V-Bomb's AWAYYYYYYY!

Today's special little boy comes from the magical land of Long Island...and he's not a guido!

As many of you know, I live in said 'special' land and am anything less than thrilled with the pickens out here hence WHY I'M ON DATING SITES. THough i can't say its really helped my plight at all (considering I either get hit on by C.H.U.D.S. or Guidos on said dating sites...and i'm still single).

The Guilty: r.j.singer

The Offense: okay, first off, can we scroll to the top of the page and just look at the picture real quick? He's not bad, right? I mean, he's not GQ but he's more or less like a younger less tattooed version of Sully from Godsmack. That's a plus in my book...not a BIG plus...but a 'plus' nonetheless.

Anyway, it was a cold winter's day whenI opened my Dating site mail crap and saw that i had 8 new messages...most from douchebags...and one from mr RJSinger.

DATE: 1/2/11
TIME: 11:57 am

I clicked on his e-mail and it simply read:
Whats up? care to chat more?

Hmmmm....well, i really didn't feel like chatting at all so i figured it woud be better just to do some research on this guy and then make a decision as to whether or not he warrants a response.

it appears RJSinger is 29 years old (which is my age) and he only completed 'some' college...but does somehting in business...im not quite sure what that means...maybe we should look for an explaination further on

"About Me:hhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!"

WTF? How do you expect a grown woman to contact you if you dont talk about yourself AT ALL. That is what most of these assholes don't understand. If you are serious about finding someone you don't write stupid shit like 'haaa' or 'i am a banana' ....oh wait... I think Darwin said something to the point of "No date=No sex=No procreation=removal of the species"

Nevermind.

I WAS going to just write it off as just another drivel e-mail from another drivel specimen...but no, I really wanted to know what this guy did. I think its time to send him an e-mail.

My Response:

DATE: 1/2/11

TIME: 12:06pm

"that depends.

maybe if you actually told a little bit about yourself and what you do rather than a drawn out 'hah' i will decide.

Regards"

ooooooohhhh, ouch. BURN!

I figured he would get that and be like 'what a stupid bitch....what nerve...telling me my profile wasn't the best literary accomplishment of the 21st century! PSHAW!'

But, as with all things involving dating, I was wrong.

SECOND RESPONSE:

DATE: 1/2/11

TIME: 12:09pm (THREE MINUTES AFTER I SENT THE LAST E-MAIL)

"touche L__. I am 29, a veteran of our country and currently studying journalism. I am well invested in beautiful tattoos. I love surfing, mother nature and animals. I tend to be very laid back. I don't smoke butts but I do burn a little green. Hey, I am who I am lol. I am an artist amongst other things. How is that for starters?"

My Response

alright guys--i would like to point out that I am a fan of our soldiers.

Really, i was going to be one myself....hell, both my parents and countless other members of my (dad's side) of the family served in the military during wars and whatnot.

FIRST OFFENSE

"...a veteran of our country..."

you couldn't just say "I just got out of and i'm going back to school?" NOOOOo you had to pull the actual 'i am a VETERAN' bullshit in an attempt to GUILT a girl into going on a date.

You guys can tell me im wrong or Im crazy all I want but i'm telling you right now: this was his goal. Its just like when i was in undergrad and I had a friend who was like '...i'm leaving for the military tomorrow...let's get together tonight and watch a movie"

Then, twenty minutes of awkward into the movie later he's got the bedroom eyes and hes trying to snuggle and flex his big manly muscles and im like dude, i never wanted to sleep with you before....you leaving ISN'T going to make me drop my pants for you now.

THAT'S WHAT THIS GUY WAS TRYING TO DO

(in case you're wondering nothing happened between us...he didn't even get a kiss. I'm a bitch like that)

Like i said, I love my solider boys (and girls) but don't start dropping the 'VET' status in an attempt to get laid or I will take you to the local Vet's hospital and let those guys tell you stories...

SECOND OFFENSE

"...(I) burn a little green..."

uuuggghhhhhh.

UNLESS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MONEY...

I despise any and all kinds of drug use in regards to my significant others. Unless you are a rock star or a broker leave the drugs at the door.

Yes, he was honest...but of the kind of stuff that makes me go 'uh uh'....hell, my profile says "MUST NOT DO DRUGS".

oh...but i know "pot isn't a DRUG...its a PLANT"

just stop...alright...it smells bad and it's illegal and those are two things that I can do without.

SECOND AND A HALF OFFENSE

its all in the way he said it....the 'burning green' nonsense. You couldn't just say "i smoke pot"...nope...you had to try to be cool and slick.

Hell, I can hear it play out in my head...

"yeah but uh...i dont smoke...CIGARETTES *wink wink*"

are we in high school? Maybe your name should be "RJSinger420"...damn that's cool.

Judging by the "I am who I am" comment I would say he is still going through his angsty years. Well, that or he thinks he's Popeye.

THIRD OFFENSE

"...Studying journalism"

"well invested...TATTOOS"

"surfing...laid back...ARTIST"

Translation:

BROKE/NO CAREER/NO PROSPECTS

He tried to hide it...but, being that im pretty much an insane sociopath(much like everyone else on these sites)...i saw right through it.

Well, now I had a decision to make...I had to either actually WRITE a response or i could ignore him. Then i heard something inthe back of my head
"....veteran"

AHHHH!!! HIS EVIL TRICKERY HAS WORKED ON MY FRAGILE MIND!!

My Response:

DATE: 1/2/11

TIME: 12:49pm (approx 40 mins after receiving last message)

"well, props on the vet status. Both my parents were in the military during Vietnam.

Mother nature and animal loving is fantastical, however, i'm not keen on the pot use though."

That was it...no greetings...no closings...and i used the word 'keen'.

I'm definitely not just a bitch...i'm a JUNE CLEAVER BITCH.

I clicked "send" and in the top left hand side of my page I saw a bright green message saying '1 NEW MESSAGE!"

I was like 'oh boy, what great catch could have contacted me THIS TIME'

I clicked on the INBOX link and i saw it was from none other than our friend...MR RJSINGER

THE OFFENDING MESSAGE:

Date: 12/2/11

TIME: 12:37pm (approx 30 minutes after his last letter....BEFORE MY RESPONSE)

SUBJECT: Hi

Body: "boy you are terrible at responding ;)"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Not only another fucking 'WINKIE FACE' but its a fucking DESPERATE WINKIE FACE!! Buddy, dont you have anything better to do than to stalk my fucking profile adn refresh your inbox page? my god, man..some of us have LIVES.

*granted, at that point in time i wasn't really doing much with my life..but WHAT IF I WAS*

AND ANOTHER THING

What makes you think i was actually going to write your stupid ass back?

Oh...that's right....you dropped the "V-bomb"...DAMMIT

THIRD RESPONSE FROM JRSINGER

"No doubt but at least I'm honest...I'm not too big of a drinker and we all need our vise that escapes us from the day from time to time. How about we talk elsewhere, this e-mail isn't a favorite. do you have AIM? tat______2

MY RESPONSE

....

i'm noticing a trend here on this online dating nonsense. THe need to point out all your flaws as 'honesty' therefore proving them to be the PERFECT BOYFRIEND.

Dude, only becaue you can admit it DOESN'T MEAN it's alright.

I mean, i like to rub mayonaise all over myself before i skin homeless men using my sharpened spoon contraption. Yeah, I know you probably don't approve...but at least i'm honest...that means i will be a PERFECT GIRLFRIEND!

And you expect me to talk 'elsewhere'. OH, this place is too loud..let's go someplace quiet where we can get to know eachother...LIKE AIM. Dude, GTFOutta here....like i want your stupid ass haunting me when i'm on other websites or away and getting shit sent to my cellphone.

NO NO NO

TRANSLATION

D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E

obsessive

probably not alright 'in the head'

ex-military hippie...THE WORST KIND OF HIPPIE.

He probably listens to Pfish and Dave Matthews Band...blech!

immature

that's what i have deemed him after our brief online encounter.

My Response:

**crickets chirping**

FOURTH LETTER FROM JRSINGER

Date: 1/2/11

TIME: 7:52 pm (approx 7 hours from his last e-mail following my lack of response)

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Hi

Body: "L___, you always have trouble responding. lol"

DUDE, LET IT GO!

i ain't writing you back.

I haven't given you anything that could even remotely be translated as 'golly gee boy, i'm interested in this one'

STOP STALKING MY PAGE AND REREADING MY (lack of ) E-MAILS!!

And, i swear to god if you've been jerking off to my pics I hope your dick falls off and that cat (located in the picture) eats it.

My Response:

**squeaking ferret toy**

FIFTH MESSAGE FROM RJSINGER

Date: 1/3/11
Time: 3:24pm

Subject: Hi

Body: "So you don't talk much huh? That's a shame"

MY (hopefully final) RESPONSE

HA HA HA HA HA HO HO HO HO

Oh no, dear Mr RJSinger.

I think you need to read between the lines, you see, I talk QUITE A BIT....but only to people I like.

I WRITE, however, quite often...and mostly about people i severely dislike.

Congrats though, you made it in one of the two categories. Now, why don't you back off and leave me alone because the next time you hear from me it WON'T be a friendly e-mail.

Though I know all you Sadists here at Morbid Memoirs are crossing your fingers for another pathetic e-mail from this creature...

Hey, its technically still the Christmas season...Baby Jesus might smile upon us yet!