I'm a nerd.
Like, seriously...I can tell you the most useless crap from many a beloved fantasy and sci-fi repitoire. I try to hide it behind the bleached out hair and my avid self-esteem but, in actually, I was collecting Magic cards and Star Wars CCG cards with the best of them.
*the key word in that statement: was
However, only because i pretend to be badass doesn't mean i'm not one to drop a nerdy reference from time to time...or come to blows over Boromir's honor...no...sometimes i just can't help it...and that's what gets me in trouble.
Like this guy...
Guilty: Myridny
Offense:
Okay, at first it was kinda funny....i opened my POF account to find that someone who looked like a chubby clark kent had written me...see exhibit A
 |
| Exhibit A: Clark Kent offers me a....fish? |
And...why is he on bended knee?
With..that thing in his hand?
And what's with that smirk?
It's almost like he's saying 'we're in the forest, i'm half dressed...and i have this fish. ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?!!!!"
and of course, the average person would be like 'oh shit...a fucking axe murderer!!!!'
But no..that's when he looks at you with his baby blues (behind the glasses of course) and he says "...LET'S WEAR RUBBER PANTS AND POLKA!!!"
yup...that's exactly how it would play out...and this man is a loon...but, regardless let's see what he wrote
FIRST MESSAGE
Date: 1/7/11
Heading: SURPRISE!!!
Body: ;) at you
My Response:
SURPRISE!!! I hate WINKY FACES >=[
Jesus...well, compared to a lot of the other messages i have gotten this one was nothing, ANd look at him..hes as harmless as the joker (in the old school batman tv show)...he gave me a box and when you open it you expect a bomb...and its just a silly sign that says 'bang'.
This guy shall get no response from me.
HIS SECOND MESSAGE
Alright, so maybe living with fishes in the forest made this guy lack social graces. Maybe he doesn't understand that if you READ my profile i actually mention that I DONT RESPOND IF I'M NOT INTERESTED. Or, maybe he was going to use a Jedi Mind trick...
Date: 1/9/2011
Subject: Re: SURPRISE!
Body: "Let's take a ride on a rocketship!"
My Response:
Well, this caught me off guard...you see, i never responded to him so there is no reason that the "RE:" should be in the title of the message...odd.
And secondly, that was a paraphrase of what Zaphod Beeblebrox asked Trillian when he met her at that fancy dress party.
Now, i didn't know if that's what he was aiming for but i figured if a guy looks like a comic book character then he HAS TO know Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. But first, let's take a look at his profile.
The Profile
Well, it turns out our friend is 35 years old...he's in to yoga....
About me: "Not your mister perfect
I like drinking ginger ale and root beer soda's.
Doing things like building something with my own hands make's me proud.
I like visiting new places, can be a new restaurant or a new town.
Sunny days are the best.
I have a nature too explore.
One of my favorite atributes is my ability to get dressed quickly.
I like to keep it simple and go with the flow.
I will try any food that comes my way. (I eat my greens and Love Pesce).
Movies I like are usually comedies, but I do like a horra with company.
I like cartoon's
The type of girl for me is independent, strong, confident & must have a wild side to her.
A Classic Beauty
my favorite color is blue
My opinoion is icecream cake is the most bestest.
disclamier/I'm not the a**hole I portait
For you to like me you must be able to deal with me ."
Alright...so you like ginger ale AND rootbeer sodas...does that mean that you like them...like..together? because...that's gross annd reminds me of 5th grade.
He 'keeps it simple'...alright, look at me...'simple' isn't even in my vocabulary...unless we are talking about work that i have to do or math problems..then i like SIMPLE.
I HATE comedies.
Cartoons? y ou actually put that in your dating profile? at 35 years old? ewwwwwwww
There are many things that I am...and what I am not is a CLASSIC BEAUTY!
He likes 'blue'..would that be Prussian? Baby? Cobalt? really...there are too many options out there for me to do a proper mental evaluation.
He likes ice cream cake...
"For you to like me you must be able to deal with me...."
WOW
Thank you for your wise words.
My god, what are you,,,,7? Hell, i'll give you 12...you attempted to use average words and you mispelled them. I'll bet you like video games too....
You totally didn't even read my profile, did you. As a matter of fact I dont even think you looked at my pictures. I think you just typed away at the keyboard like some monkey at a typewriter and magically you got my screen name...duuuuudddeeeeeeeee
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT....but he still made me laugh with his rocketship line...I suppose i owed him some sort of small response.
SOmething so irrelevant that it's obvious that i'm giving him the slip.... I GOT IT!!
MY written RESPONSE
Date: 1/9/2011
"ALRIGHT, you got me to respond. That was very Zaphod Beeblebrox of you."
THERE
i didn't give him a 'funny ha ha' line. I didn't ask how he was doing...hell, i didn't even give him my name...in online dating terms this translates to "I'm being nice...now please bugger off"
HIS THIRD MESSAGE:
Date: 1/10/2011
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Surprise!
Body: "thanks i will take that as a compliment.."
Ugh, no...take it as 'okay...okay...i see that you have contacted me. very nice. shoo shoo' I didn't tell him though, i figured with my lack of response he would figure that out on his own.
HIS FOURTH MESSAGE:
Date: 1/11/2011
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Surprise!
Body: "Hello
My name is Mario"
Ummm....not only am I a little annoyed that it's been 4 days since he FIRST contacted me..and 2 days since i wrote him that partially digested sentence and iw ant him to leave me be.
But..his name is "Mario"?
Is this guy fucking with me? There is no way his name is 'mario'. I think he was privy to my nerd games and was trying to con me into responding with "lol! is there a luigi? tell the princess I said "hi" "
WELL THE JOKE'S ON HIM
Cuz I ain't responding....besides, this time he attached a brand spankin new picture to his e-mail...[please reference exhibit b:
exhibit b: Monkey kidnaps child on sketchy crotch rocket
....This picture scares me.
I dont know what it is..maybe its the Gomer Pile look on his face...maybe its that weird flexing 'derrr derrr' thing he is doing with his arm...or that little kid that he appears to be sitting on and suffocating.
Something in this picture isn't right...
MY RESPONSE:
*distant violin*
MARIO GET'S NO RESPONSE FROM ME!!!!! If only i had that damn blue turtle shell...
HIS FIFTH MESSAGE
Date: 1/12/2011
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Surprise!
Body: "How are you today?"
Funny you should mention that, Mario, i was actually doing really well until i saw that YOU FUCKING WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!'
Jesus, you've been hounding me for almost a week now. I think it's time to give up the search and write someone else random one sentence messages.
BUT WAIT!!!
HIS SIXTH MESSAGE:
Date: 1/15/2011
Subject:Re:Re:Re;Re:Re:Re:Surprise!
Body: "I'd like to take you for a spin"
WELL ISN'T THAT NICE.
I'd like to take you for a spin too...you'd better watch for banana peels mister.
I'm on to your game.
I dont understand what this guy thinks he is trying to do. I mean, usually with persistance comes progressively ANGRY e-mail about how i'm a stupid bitch and i'm going to die alone and whatnot.
But this guy...his e-mails dont go ANYWHERE.
and this 'take you for a spin'...*looks outside* its like...10 degrees outside and it is the land of ice and snow...yeah, we'll go for a spin to our fucking graves on your POS bike.
Or maybe you meant that like a 'sexual innuendo', i really hope that's not the case...because if he follows up that e-mail with something even more blatently sexual i'm going to shove a wad of kryptonite up his pansy ass.
Actually, I think i'm going to write him to take a ride on his rocketship and go back to whatever planet he came from.
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