"Hung" is my Chinese Neighbor's Middle Name

Well, I lied...I dont really have a Chinese neighbor...and this next post has NOTHING to do with anything Chinese...except maybe the fact that i am currently craving some cheese wontons.
mmm.....cheese wontons...

Anyway, there is something about dating sites that makes a person feel like they are Rico Suave. They feel that they can be as vulgar as they want, as 'gangsta' (yes, i've gotten e-mails containing that word) as they want and ultimately..as DESPERATE as they want...but in their own weido little heads they think they are being the fucking Johnny Depp of the online dating community.

But nothing...i mean NOTHING attracts a girl more than saying flat out-that you are...hung.

Now, I do admit...I am no stranger to the rant of "GUYS SHOULD TELL GIRLS BEFOREHAND IF THEY ARE LACKING(in penis size...incase you really had no idea where iw as going with this)". But...there is something creepy when a guy you dont even know feels the need to tell you.

What? This has never happened to you? WELL...here, why dont you read my e-mail correspondance with:

GUILTY: GrizzleyBear25



see, he's kinda suave...so i thought


OFFENSE:
this is another one that i thought was kinda cute from the beginning. I am going to admit...i was the first person to write in this situation mainly because i really wanted to hear about him and what he does.
**even if you are johnny depp's twin brother..if you dont have a decent job it ain't happening**

My intro letter:
"You say you're a comic and a poet....but you dont drink...
somehow i dont believe any of that."

See, it was to the point. It wasn't creepy and it showed that i actually READ his profile as opposed to just looking at the pictures...now...to see if he responds.

HIS FIRST RESPONSE:
"spank you hehe u as well what's shakin bakin? :P"

MY RESPONSE:
...wtf? not only did he say 'spank you'...which brings back creepy ace ventura memories...but he also used the LETTER 'u' instead of typing out the whole word...and he used THE TONGUE SMILEY.
I HATE THAT SMILEY
you see :P translates to: i'm not mature enough to write an actual ADULT response...so i'm going to make this up and then do this little 'tongue' thing because its cute andyou will think of tongues which will make you think of sex and how awesome i am.

im serious...that's what it means.
on dating sites anyway.

*ahem*

Anyway, i decided that his response spoke a thousand unspoken words...that all translated to 'RUN'...so i did not write him anything in return. guess what happened next....

HIS SECOND RESPONSE (To nothing...considering i hadn't sent him another e-mail)
"and a porn star...
yeap a threesome i am.

i drink a little not much.


Oddity indeed. i love being unique,different,standing out just satnding winky ;)"

MY nonverbal RESPONSE
...after studying this reply i am going to assume that
1. he is incredibly delusional
2. 'satnding' actually translates to 'standing'...which still makes no sense
3. WHY DID HE WRITE 'WINKY' ...and what's with the winky face? was there some innuendo that I didn't catch? Am i supposed to be thinking in between the lines to create these innuendos...because...i jsut thought of one but it was LAME...
4. in only his second response he has already taken to half-assed talking about sex. this guy must not get laid...at all.

MY written RESPONSE
yes...i wrote him back on this one...with:
"I'm not even sure how to respond to that..."

voila.

HIS THIRD RESPONSE
"well that works because I'm not even sure what it meant.lmao! whoever does? hehe That's what makes it unique and everybody.I leave u wanting more and ur mouth open I love wowing people...."

MY nonverbal RESPONSE
he definitely doesn't get laid....definitely...def....definitely
"leave u wanting more and ur mouth open..."

Guy, really...just stop it. I mean, I have the mind as pure as the virginal snow and THIS makes me feel dirty.
AND USE ACTUAL WORDS!! ugh, what is this 'ur' or 'u' crap? he's 37 years old...enough already!! jesus tapdancing christ

HIS FOURTH RESPONSE (without my reply)
"U like that combination? haha u see how one thing leads into another.Perverse,"Mouth Open", and now comedic as well.SKy's the Limt hehehe ;)"

MY nonverbal BLAHBLAH
"ohhhh!!!!"
just incase i didn't get the 'wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more' of his previous message he had to help me out. Well, I was going to help him out...

MY written RESPONSE
"alright buddy, do you even have a career? or how about a job?"

HIS FIFTH RESPONSE
"Poet-comic-actor-salesperson-singer-and piano.


I like to think of myself as a porn star becuase I'm really handsome,hung,and incredible in bed.I guess I'm also a part time**** **** as well the only problem is I just don't get paid for that. lmfao!!! hahaha"


MY nonverbial nonsense:

wait wait wait...let me get this straight and translate this for the untrained eye:
-'poet'=out of work
-'comic' =thinks he's funny...but pathetic and out of work
-"actor'=insecure, broke, vain, a liar, sociopath, dillusional
-"salesperson"=I work in Hot Topic
-"singer"=I sound really good when i sing karaoke...it also helps if you're drunk
-"piano"=??

The piano one really got to me...I would have toa sk him about his sidegig as a PIANO later...but first...
"...really handsome,hung,and incredible in bed."
Dude...did you seriously just say that?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "im not arrogant...i'm just better"
teehee
and what the hell is "**** ****"....and WHY don't you get paid for it?!  ugh...time to ask my question(s) to this kind, well-spoken gentleman.

Had I have seen this picture prior to my message this post would not be happening.
**ps...that hat-HOT TOPIC! those glasses-eh...probably Canal Street

MY written RESPONSE
"...you keep yourself busy huh? and I've never met a 'piano' before...how exciting"

HA HA! you brag and brag about yourself and the only thing that sticks with me is that you called yourself a 'piano'...FAIL.

HIS RESPONSE
"yeap I'm very hung,but confident in who I am.i like taking risks..."

MY written REPONSE:
"...i asked about your side gig as a 'piano'"

HIS RESPONSE:
"so what's ur deal what's ur goal on here what are u looking for? what's ur passion and desire?


being hung and good looking are very big pluses.i wouldn't say it if i didn't mean it.No bragging just honest.Never afaraid to show a gal to prove myself either.I'm not very shy.also I make love like a porn star,but can be genlt when imperative as well..."


MY unwritten RESPONSE:
...
FIRST OF ALL: Porn stars don't "make love"...they FUCK.
SECOND: Porn stars are constantly tested for STDs and AIDs...i'm willing to bet you're NOT
THIRD: Really dude, i'm done with you...as i read your responses I can feel my IQ dropping and I'm scared I might contract the herp through the computer. Please sir...forget I exist...

HIS UNWARRANTED RESPONSES
*Presented in the order from which they were received...complete with no reply from myself**

Date: 1/2/11
Time: 12:24pm
"i love porn stars and penthouse people playboy I have nver met nicer people in my life.i hung out with Dayton Raines all night long oncePorn star she was soooo fuickin down to eart and nice it was like are u kidding me? u forget what they do as ur talking to themIt;'s amazing. Some of them are really smart to.I love the fact u do what u love that's so key.Mad respect."

Date 1/2/11
Time: 12:48pm
"I'm a free sprit as u can tell my ex was not like that she didn't share not good.I'm very open minded I love laughing with whoeversex with whoeevr, i mean I'm capable of loving of course but Ilove the porn industry so much and i love the stars of penthouse and born.Down to earth,free spirits,open minded. They have so much to offer and Love it;s crazy"


Date 1/2/11
Time: 2:14pm
"I work in the city and hang out in the city I hate gay strong isalnd as well.my nrithday is the month your welcome to come with us in the city if u wish..."

Date 1/2/11
Time: 2:25pm
"aslo what kind of art do u do?"

MY OVERALL RESPONSE:
What are do i do?
I do lots of things....but wait til you see my DISAPPEARING ACT!!'

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH---
I feel so dirty...
and i feel all the dirtier because I BROUGHT THIS UPON MYSELF!!!

Needless to say my "cocky' friend and his abnormally large 'member' have been blocked. I swear, if i heard any more about he and his stupid adult industry daydreams i was going to hunt him down and beat the shit out of him.
But...being that he is so full of shit that might take more time than I am willing to give him...