It's definitely a Monday

Good Morning my fellow train wreck gawkers!

Yes, it's the first Monday of the new year and that spells "WORK" for the lowly likes such as myself.

Not to have this small inconvience maim my day I did my usual round of online checking:

1. facebook

2. my various e-mails

3. DATING SITES

I know, you're probably saying "Oh jeez...you're such a bitch. You just made your online profiles to make fun of poor lonely people. You bitch."

and i would like to point out that, where it may seem like that at times, it is most def not true. I am merely exploiting the assholes. If a guy just wanted to send a friendly message (and there are guys like that out there) i am nice in turning them down...or talking to them further...depending on the guy.

These assholes, like this morning's catch, deserve to be nailed to Post Office walls as means of warning the general public of their existance.

The Guitly: Mikedee33

The Offense:

Maybe his name REALLY IS 'Michael D...somethingsomething' but I'm sorry, when i hear that all i can think of are my younger days of listening to the Beastie Boys and hearing a whiney Brooklyn voice spit out "...yo', I'm Mike D I got alll the fly juice....". Which I never found attractive...not even when I thought I was badass.

This guy is a real treat for you guys; I'm glad i waited to post about him. You see, this is not the first time he has contacted me...no....I think this is the FOURTH TIME.

Let's take a walk back on memory lane and see what Mr Mikedee33 has to offer us, shall we?

FIRST OFFENSE:

DATE: 12/30/10

Message: "We need to hang out!"

REACTION:

I reacted in my fashion...by ignoring the perps and hoping that he will get the message and bugger off.

SECOND OFFENSE:

DATE: 12/30/10

Message: 'C'mon---we need to hang out ;)"

REACTION:

WINKY FACE?! A MOTHER FUCKING WINKY FACE?!

no. you are not my friend...we are not play talking or trying to be cute and whatnot...YOU DO NOT SENT ME A GODDAMN WINKY FACE!

Not to mention it was the same message as before. As if I was going to look at it and be like "ohhh...well, now he's using words like "C'mon" and he did end it with a ";)"...okay, "uncle" i will hang out with you.

NO! i'm still ignoring your stupid ass...as a matter of fact...let's take a look at his profile.

He's a 37 year old male from Long Island who has children...is divorced

"About Me: Myself....I dont really talk about myself too much so this is new to me. So I will give you all the info you would like to know but still leave a little to the imagination so we have somethign to talk about when we first meet.

I'm a little sarcastic and have a corny sense of humor

I am divorced after 13 years (we fought a lot and i decided it was time to move on)

I have two kids that live with me every other week (they are 9 and 11)

I'm not a 'playa'

I own a house that I built myself

I look handsome in a suit

I have never been to prison.

My favorite color is green.

My favorite number is 33

I drive an ugly car but have hot motorcycles

I dont like bad teeth or girls who lie about their age and body types

I'm fairly sane

I grew up in a mostly italian household...but my mom is Irish-German so I eat corned beef and not just lasagne

I have a bunch of tattoos from my "badass days" (no my wife's name is not tattooed on me but my kids' names are tattooed to my chest)

I do like to dress nice and go out dancing and have a good time.

I am HONEST, sincere, passionate and emotionally needy.

I dont like to sleep alone

I give a great massage

I have nice eyes"

OH

MAH

GAWD

Stop...just stop! I don't like to talk about myself either but did i mention I'm also a Chinese fighter pilot? Really dude, what girl would look at that and go "okay...crappy car....tattoos of kids...emotionally needy, doesn't like to sleep alone..give a great massage....OMG! I'LL BET HE'S A GOOD LISTENER AND CAN BE A SHOULDER TO CRY ON AND LOVES TO CUDDLE AND IS A SUCKER FOR A TEAR JERKER! This one is mine."

Well, if that girl is out there I suggest she either seek therapy or talk to me...which sometimes warrents seeing therapy later in life. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Alright alright...back on topic. So we have this guy who is wearing a cut-off reeses peanut butter cup t-shirt in his main profile picture and he sounds pretty desperate. I should leave him alone and he will get the hint and will move on to some other lucky lady, right?

WRONG

THIRD OFFENSE:

Date: 12/31/10

So he waited until the next day (which is new year's eve) to write me again...because i clearly didn't get the message the first two times.

Message: Subject Line "We could have a lot of fun together!!!"

Body "why not meet? I definately see a potential for some good times even if we just wind up as friends. We have a bunch o stuff in common and your beautiful"

REACTION:

My first reaction is "god dammit man, leave me alone"...the next obvious reaction for me is 'MY GOD MAN....IN YOUR LIST OF GOOD THINGS YOU SAID YOU'RE REALLY SMART BUT YOU CAN'T SPELL WORTH A SHIT!' And obviously because love is one sided and he 'sees' the potential for some 'good times' then i should def give him a shot...i mean, we like the same music and like...i like stuff and he likes stuff...oh yeah...and i'm 'beautiful'

OH GOSH! a man told me I was beautiful? Let me just drop my drawers right now...boy, he sure knows how to talk to a girl.

DUDE...NO RESPONSE...FUCK OFF!

And for a few days it was actually quiet (from him). Maybe...just maybe i had managed to get through to his thick meathead skull that this chick ain't interested. especially since on my page i mentioned that i dont want kids nor guys who are older than 35...and that i'm PROBABLY NOT GOING TO RESPOND.

FOURTH AND (seemingly) FINAL OFFENSE:

Date: 1/2/11

Message: (heading) "come on...don't make me beg! LOL"

Body: "I ve send you a couple of emails with no response...I'm trying again because i know we could have so much fun together!! Just give me a a chance. Mike"

RESPONSE:

D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E

DUUUDDDEEEEEEEEE......the definition of insanity is repeating the same process in the hopes of receiving a different outcome. or something like that....

YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS! I feel bad for not only your ex but your kids, your future exes and everyone else you look at on a daily basis...oh yeah, ladies...he works on the lirr. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU GO TO THE CITY BEWAREEEEEEEEEE.

Will he write back?? Will he take the hint??? SHOULD I WRITE HIM AND JUST TELL HIM TO MOVE ON?!

I'll decide what to do as the day progresses and my patience wears down to a hair.

HAPPY MONDAY!