a Bad (phone) Romance

WHERE O WHERE DO I BEGIN WITH THIS ONE?!

The Guilty: DontWaitToSayHi

Okay, I'm going to admit. I thought he was kinda cute. He had this pompus way about him...and the way he resembled Tommy Lee was kinda adorable and he was 27 and his profile looked unsuspicious...and he messaged me first.

There was a brief passing of words back and forth which were a bit too boring to post on here...which is one of the main reasons why i was like 'oh thank god, a charismatic NORMAL person who is not DESPERATE about getting into a relationship.'

He asked for my facebook and, after a brief hesitation, i gave it to him (after all, if things go REALLY bad i can always delete him)...besides, i'm not going to lie...I kinda wanted to facebook stalk him too and see what he REALLY looked like...you know...find all those unflattering, untouched CANDID shots and be like 'AH HA!!! YOU ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE DAVID LEE ROTH!'

To my surprise, however, he had NO CANDID SHOTS...which is always a little disconcerning. Granted, he was a photographer (at least he 'claimed' to be) so it would only natural for him to have nice pictures of himself...but no pictures out of studio whatsoever? It made my spider sense tingle in a way that only that ill-fated stuntman from the Broadway Musical could have felt moments before crashing into the audience.

yup...something ain't right.

At first he didn't say anything in regards to my fb page, so the insecure little girl in me was like 'oh, shucks...i scared off another one with my funny pictures and not-so-flattering comments'.

but instead we have

THE FIRST OFFENSE:

Finally, after many nerve racking moments of silence he IMs me:

"You are very kissable"

OH COME ON! you arne't going to comment about my wit? or my sarcasm...anything...my taste in books, movies, music, my career or my 'wife'? NOOOooo...you're going to write that.

*STRIKE ONE-THE PIECE OF MEAT FEELING.

Alright, I have been known to fly off the handle over little things...this could very well be one of those little things. I should just let it slide...so i wrote back, "lol, gee thanks".

online dating101-when found in an awkward situation where you can't seem to find an easy way out of BUT YOU WANT TO CONTINUE a convo...just say 'lol' or 'hahaha'...just because.

he writes back:

"I would like to make out with you. What about me, do you want to make out with me?"

OH COME ON!!! This had to be a joke. This had to be some asshole like me sitting behind a computer going 'teeheehee...i'm going to get this person going and see what happens'

I didn't respond to that...i was hoping that he would think of something else to say...i mean, he had to think of something else, right? Not that i was really fixated THAT much on it. I mean, this whole time i was in the midst of writing what is now 'MORBID MEMOIRS' *trumpet fanfare*

He writes "I would like to talk to you"

I say "umm...we are talking"

He writes "No...i would like to TALK with you. I dont like chatting on the computer. I find it irritating and a waste of time''

Well, I now have a choice...i can either continue writing my blog and listening to the Smiths or i can STOP EVERYTHING and talk to this guy i just met on the computer.

BLOG AND SMITHS IT IS

So I tell him "Well, we can 'talk' just not now...i'm busy at the moment."

He says, "I'll wait. We can talk when you're done"

...I feel like i'm about to get raped...over the computer

I tell him "well, I'm kinda in the middle of writing this blog of all the creepers and weirdos that i have found on online dating sites. I figure people need to know what kind of shit goes on out there."

I figured he would be like 'oh, that's pretty creepy/funny, tell me more about some of the funny things that you have encountered while doing online dating?"

He says, "Oh. I see. So you would rather waste time making lists of people who are creeps than spending time productively talking to someone who would be good for you. I'm not wasting my time playing games if you are not going to take this seriously."

whoa whoa whoa....OKAY, spider sense...tingling....something...not right....

He says, "I'll talk to you when you're done"

I type, "Well, i suggest you lean how to multitask on the computer because i'm busy and i have other conversations open right now."

He backs off for a while.

I'm sitting there thinking that maybe *I* am the sociopath. Maybe *I* am holding myself back from potential happiness because of my inability to adapt to what others want?

NAH

I finished writing my blogs and i layed down in bed with my computer next to me and the ferrets were like 'SLEEPY TIME' and they crawled up on my chest and passed out. What can i say, they are both boob men;)

And, like clockwork, my friend comes back on fb and sends me a smiley face.

Did i say 'clockwork'? i forgot to slip in the "orange' after that....

He says "are you done?''

I say "well, yeah, but its like...11:30 and i'm tired and I would really much rather talk on the computer tonight. I'll TALK to you tomorrow."

He says "Do you have skype?"

I say "no...but i dont have a mic"

He says "you dont need a mic...all laptops have mics built in. Now what's your excuse?'

I would like to take this point to mention that i dont like feeling like i'm being pressured into a situation..which was how i felt last night. For some reason he wouldn't back off and he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer...time to play the family card.

"look," i said, "im in a bad mood. I got back from my dad's house a little while ago after staying goodbye to my sister who is leaving for Montana tomorrow...i would much rather lay here with my ferrets and chill. Besides, my ferrets are comfy and I dont want to disturb their slumber."

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would want to wake up happily sleepy fuzzy babies? only terrorists....

CUE THE SECOND OFFENSE:

He says, "you've got to be kidding me. I dont know how i feel about you. You are sending me mixed signals and i dont like it'

I said, "Mixed signals? I dont want to talk tonight...we'll talk later, how is that a mixed signal"

He says, " You dont want to call, you would rather make lists of losers and creeps than talk to me and you dont want to wake up your PETS to download skype and have an actual CONVERSATION'

GAME OVER

These are not just 'pets' these little furry guys are my best fuzzy friends ever...and anyone who does not respect my ferrets will get NO RESPECT FROM ME.

Now i was pissed...and i was like 'fine'

so i wrote back "we'll talk tomorrow. I dont want to read anymore of your whiney IMs"

*click*

and i logged out.

I know what you're thinking.

"D, this guy is a douchebag...just let it go and find someone else to occupy your time with."

and i would agree with you...except that early on in our conversations he was mentioning that he had 'celebrity clients' that use facebook....and he was doing all these 'high profile' things...and i had to see what he was all about. You see, i know 'celebs' too...and I can play that game like a fucking pro.

THE NEXT DAY

I'm not going to lie. I was kinda dreading the evening phonecall. I didn't want to deal with him..and above all else...HOW DO YOU END A PHONE CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE YOU DONT KNOW?! Well, i fly by the seat of my pants with everything else, why not with this.

Around 7pm he comes on fb and he finds me and asks if i was free to chat. Now, i DID say that i would talk to him...and what if he really WAS worth my time. We could have been an awesome looking couple...except i would know that he was a douchebag.

Regardless, i gave him my number and told him i was ont he phone with my father and that he should wait to call for about 15 minutes.

**hey Shannon...i was actually talking to you**

He waits until about 7:45 to call me...here is a blogged reenactment of our conversation.

*two minutes to midnite plays* (that's my ringtone)

Me: Hello, this is L___

J: Hi, yeah, this is J___

Me: OH, yeah, hey. what's going on?

J: Nothing much...are you off the phone?

Me: Yeah, i'm just chillin here in my snuggie.

J: *Silence*

Me: Yeah, i have this totally awesome and cozy leopard print snuggie...i love it.

J: Everyone I know who has snuggies loves them. Maybe i could try yours?

Me: Sure. but it IS leopard...and red.

J: Oh, who's going to see it? (seductive voice)

Me: FACEBOOK!!! MWAHAHAHAAHAHA

J: *uneasy laughter* yeah..that's a real...that's some bell, book and candle laugh right there...

Me: Oh, i'm just teasing..anyway, so what's up?

J: Nothing Much, you know....so you do theatre?

Me: Yeah, I'm the Technical Director of a Theatre here on long island **explains what a TD does**

J: Oh yeah? type in ST_________Theatre.com that's my family's theatre.

Me: **types** DAMN! Is that an old opera house or something?

J: No, just an old theatre. yeah, my family owns that. What's your theatre?

Me: S__________.com...check it out. we have a lot of big shit coming in this season is going to be crazy

J:...hey...all these guys are going to your theatre? Nice. Can you do me a favor?

Me: ...okay?

J: Can you pass on my name and my card or something. See if any of them want headshots?

Me:......headshots?

J: Yeah....you know...im a photographer....

Me: Oh, I see...so...what do you do fulltime. You know, to pay the bills?

J:....i'm a photographer. WELL, you see, I quit my job as a bartender to do what i really wanted to do in life. Take pictures. You know? and i mean, sure I can look for other jobs and whatnot but...you know...things just don't FEEL right. its like...the universe is telling me i'm not following my dreams or something, you know? I mean, I want to be a photographer. Right now, you know, i'm trying to get my name out there..you know...get some more gigs.

Me: I saw yesterday you mentioned that you have some celebrity clients...who do you work with?

J: Well, i'm actually in talks to shoot this guy from Guns N Roses...but i mean, i know i should be all excited about it but..eh...hehe

Me: Oh, is it Slash? Because he's a family friend. He and Matt Pinnfield are good friends with my cousin C_____.

J:...are you kidding? you guys know SLASH?! No man, i'm shooting . can you do me a favor? can you tell your cousin to tell Slash to contact Lonn F___... i mean...it would mean the world to him. I mean, i could do it...you know...i can make a few phone calls but i mean, i'm not like that you know, i'm not like that.

Me: ....yeah...sure...

J: Yeah, you know, I'm just...I'm trying to get some gigs...you know? I mean, i'm making money but...but you know...its not much...

Me: well, yu could always get a job and you know, do photography on the weekends or whatnot while you build up your clients...

J: NO. Alright...NO...no....you..you just dont get it. You dont get it *sneer voice* You dont get it. Its an artist thing. you...i...I'm not having this conversation with you. We are not having this conversation. You dont understand.

Me:......well...alrighty then

J: but i mean...i'm doing some stuff with Dee Snider.

Me: Oh Dee? Yeah, i did some stuff with he and his family for Growing up Twisted. He's a great guy, i still chat with them and their producers...you know, he does a lot of stuff out here on the island

J: Yeah...I uh...I haven't really talked to him yet...i mean, i could pick up the phone and make a call to his publicist and whatnot but...nah, that's not my style, you know? I'll work some stuff out with him..you know? Like, my friends out here...they did some thing for him and like..that was the last time i saw

Me: Yeah....

J: yeah....i could make a phone call to any of these people...you know? but i dont'...

Me:...but your family owns a theatre, right? Im surprised you are not a thespian..since it seems like they would want to keep that in the family, you know?

J: what?

Me: Your family...they own a theatre....

J: OH yeah, that's my cousin's theatre. You know like...i shoot there and stuff but uh...i mean...its my cousins. I am always like 'you know, if you are looking for some extra help you know, i can work" and they are all like 'nah nah nah, we're good'..heh...

Me:.....

J: **insert clicking of keys in the background**

Me: umm...so exactly how is this better than talking on the computer? I mean, this is just awkward.

J: ...*condiscending laugh* are you kidding? are you for real? I mean, when you talk on the phone you can hear a person and find out what they are like and...the senses...the more...senses...you have ...the more senses that have access to...you know. Are you for real? i mean, right now...RIGHT NOW i have three computer screens in front of me. I'm doing photoshop on one and i'm networkingon the other and i can't be bothered with keeping up with some text thing. You know? i mean, if you want to talk to me TALK TO ME, dont sit there and text me shit from a computer. No, if you have a question for me in an e-mail that's fine...but more than one question...TALK. You...you get what i'm saying? i mean...you can't have a CONVERSATION on the computer. You can't do it.

Me:....well...i prefer talking to strangers and friends on the computer. I can multitask better like that...but I mean, to each his own and that's just me.

J: ARE YOU FOR REAL? THEN YOU ARE WRONG...heh heh..I will tell you righ tnow that you're wrong. I mean, I dont know what else to say. I mean, god, how can you think like that?

Me:...uh huh...well...um...*keys clicking in the background*

J:*keys clicking*....are you still there?

Me:.....yeah...um...i have to go work on this...light plot...

J: I'm teaching myself how to use this program. I would explain it to you but its not interesting unless you're interested in making your own websites.

Me: Yeahhh...well, you have a good one.

J: Yeah, talk to you soon!

*click*

AHHHHHHHHHH

OFFENSE OVERLOAD!!

what. a. douchebag.

I can really tell how great you are with all your 'celebrity' clients. Not to mention asking me, someone you dont know, to pass out cards and info about headshots to established celebs AT MY FUCKING THEATRE?! You must be out of your mind!!
Well, yes, judging by the way the conversation went (and the fact that your own family won't give you a job at their theatre) I think I am in the right to say 'yessir, you are out of your mind."

The first thing I did as i hung up the phone was go to fb and delete him. Jesus tapdancing christ...i dont want him anywhere near my shit...i dont even want him to gaze upon the images of my ferret children. what a CREEP

Then i saved his number in my phone under the guise "Douchy J___"

There is one advantage that J____has over the other unfortunate specimens on this site: He knows this site exists.

If he was smart (or a masochist) he would have saved the address during those 24 hours that we were fb friends to see if he made my list the following our conversation. In some strange way i'm hoping for some hate mail...which, of course, i would then publish on my blog for all of us to revel in.

No...no Mr J_____ I guess I just dont get it. But congrats!! Because there is one thing you got: YOUR VERY OWN ENTRY ON MY BLOG!! there's that little bit of fame you were hoping for.

you're welcome.