I know I have been missing for a while, and i do apologize. Life has been crazy (and in the not-so-fun-to-write-about way) but now i'm back with a bunch of pent up aggression that I have to let loose. I'll get to the good old on-line dating horror stories eventually but right now we need to have a talk about a book that seems to be taking our country by storm: "50 Shades of Grey".
Now, before you get all judgy-face with me I would like to say that I have been against reading this book since day one.
Don't get me wrong, i love me some S&M erotica--I read the Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom when i was 17 (he is the grand-daddy of kink and the father of Sadism after all). I also work as a professional dominatrix and have seen things that would make you want to take a bleach soaked brillo pad to your eyeballs. Yes, dear reader, there isn't really very much that would shock me...however the idea that housewives across the country were suddenly reading about "S&M" thew me for a loop.
The breaking point for me was when i was talking to my stepmother the other day and she had mentioned that her good friend (probably in her early 60's) LOVED the book and was 'invested in the storyline'...but she needed someone to explain 'fisting' to her.
FISTING
Would you want to explain 'fisting' to grandma? No, I didn't think so...
Then there is the case of the 'story line'. My stepmother claimed that 'things happened and everyone was crying at the end'...da fuq? Well, thanks to some piratical friends and my trusty Nook i was able to acquire said Book without having to pay a dime...thank god.
Alright, enough of my boring back story.....without further adieu I give you
50 SHADES OF GREY
(A critique of the first few chapters anyway)
So...when we begin this story we meet our heroine: Anastasia Steele. She's tall, thin, young, with long dark hair and 'blue eyes too big for her face'. *YAWN* OMG, did E L James even TRY to not make it sound like characters from a Fabio encrusted novel?
Anyway, so this bitch is living with her friend who is evidently really hot and has 'strawberry blond hair and green eyes'...oh, and she has lots of money...unlike our friend Anastasia...who is broke...but we'll get to that later.
So these two smoking babes are getting ready to graduate college and on THIS VERY DAY the hot roomie is sick and Anastasia has to go interview "Mr Grey" of Grey Enterprises or some shit. After roomie waited like...6 months or something for this interview she decides that a stuffy nose is enough to keep her (the head writer of her school newspaper reporter and whatnot) from meeting the elusive Mr Grey so she sends her dumbass broke roomie instead.
So here we are--she has this BIG interview with this AMAZING guy and she sends her non-reporter introverted friend to go get a story for her to write.
So far i'm totally buying this story...*cough*
Anyway, Anastasia doesn't think she's attractive. Which is hard to believe considering how many times she oogles over herself in the mirror...or in her inner monologues (which are mind numbing). But it doesn't matter...she borrows her friend's Benz (because her old beetle wouldn't make it) and went to interview Mr Grey.
Ana (i'm going to call her that from now on) goes to this HUGE building that is evidently only run by busty hot supermodel blondes who exchange this weird master/servant relationship with each other. At least...that's what it seemed like to me...but to Ana it just seemed like another hit against her faltering ego...because...they were all so beautiful and she was so....BLECH
And now this bitch goes to meet Mr Grey....and she walks into the office and FALLS ON HER FACE! OMG, that silly goose! My God, I didn't see that coming at all...especially not after the seemingly endless paragraphs of her having low self esteem and being a clutz and all.
MR GREY: he's tall, with GREY eyes an he's handsome and rich and has curly hair...and has grey eyes...and has curly hair....get used to it...because that's all you're going to hear about Mr Grey.
blahblahblah i want to run my fingers through his unruly hair. blah blah
blah blah his grey eyes seemed to smolder...they turned a deeper grey blah blah
blah blah i'm not pretty blah blah
So just as we're getting bored reading her dull cliche descriptions Mr Grey seems to get bored with Ana's unrehearsed questions...because that's what I would do...I would go into an interview with a list of questions and not even look it over once and ask "Are you gay?" without thinking twice.
Meanwhile we get to start with Ana's repetitive inner monologue. Here, let me sum it up for you!
omg he's so hot! really, he's hot! i've never seen anyone like him...because he's hot. WHAT A CONTROL FREAK.pretty hair...CONTROL FREAK...grey eyes dancing wildly...CONTROL FREAK...is he looking at me? oh god, he's looking at me...CONTROL FREAK....i'm not pretty.
Eventually she leaves the interview and is on cloud 9 and in love with this guy she doesn't know who obviously has some sociopath tendencies that we can all see this early in the game.
For the next chapter you get to hear her talk to herself about how hot he was...and think about his 'grey eyes' and whatnot...and we find out she works IN A HARDWARE STORE!!!
A fucking hardware store...oh gee....I wonder if she is going to run into Mr Grey one day...buying supplies for his rape kit...maybe she will start getting ideas for the 'other' uses of tools and equipment...
I'll tell you, but first we have to meet her other male suitors--like Jose! A dark-skinned, buff guy who has always wanted her but she always saw as only a friend...and this other guy who's name i can't remember...but same thing, he shows up and is like 'hey, lets go out!" and she's all like "no! i'm ugly'
Meanwhile, Ana is having some torturous girl talk with her hot roomie over Mr Grey...kinda like this:
roomie: 'omg, he totally likes you'
Ana: 'omg, stop..no he doesn't'
roomie: 'omg, like, shuttup...he like...totally likes you'
Ana: 'well...he's a control freak and i'm ugly....but he's hot...what would he want with me'
This nonsense goes on for many a chapter to the point that I was caught wondering if they were going to bust out the Magic 8 ball and ask it for some advice...and Ana goes to work...
BUT, OMG, GUESS WHO IS AT THE HARDWARE SHOP???
you're never going to guess!!!
MR GREY!!!!!
yes, this guy stalked this girl to the place where she works (about 2 hours away from where he lives)...and he does what most romantic guys do...he asks her for 'cable ties, thick masking tape and 5 yards of natural fiber rope'. AND SHE SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS! Nothing screams "RAPE KIT RAPE KIT'?! Instead he's like 'here's my card' and buys his crap and heads out.
Blah blah blah...more boring girl talk...blah blah blah...Mr Grey agrees to meet them for a photoshoot and he's like "hey Ana let's get coffee!"
So they get coffee but she doesn't drink coffee...i'm sure this is important to the plot somehow...i mean, if not why would she mention it another hundred times that she likes 'Twinings English breakfast' tea and...OMG HE HOLDS HER HAND.
Did you read that?! he holds her hand!!
Is this fucking high school?! I was told this is a book about sex and shit...where the hell is the sex??? WHERE??? So far I feel like i've been teleported back to high school and i'm forced to hear all my friends' awkward dating and crush stories.
Anyway, so these two are drinking coffee (AND TEA) and he's being all stalkerish and eventually he walks her to her car when DISASTER!!! She was almost run over...by...A GUY ON A BICYCLE!
A FUCKING BICYCLE?!
'...heading the wrong way up this one-way street.
It all happens so fast-one minute i'm falling, the next i'm in his arms, and he's holding me tightly against his chest. I inhale his clean, vital scent. He smells of fresh laundered linen and some expensive body-wash. OH MY, it's intoxicating. I inhale deeply'
IT WAS A FUCKING BICYCLE, YOU STUPID BITCH!
"Are you okay?" he whispers...his thumb brushes my lower lip and i hear his breath hitch. He's staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious burning gaze for a moment or maybe it's forever...but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. OH MY."
If i had a dollar for every time this stupid bitch has said 'oh my' so far i could easily stroll down to the store and buy a fresh bottle of gin. and WHY, if this was such a traumatic ordeal, does he 'whisper' to her 'are you okay?'. If it was as life or death as it clearly was in her head he should have been like 'HOLY SHIT! THE FUCK, GUY?!' and then beat said directional-impaired bike guy into submission.
WHERE'S THE SEX?!
Nope...no sex yet...no kiss...nothing...just a series of "OH MY"s and her constant irritating consultations with her "inner goddess".
Her inner goddess:
...does cartwheels
...frowns at me
...sits upon her lotus flower
...scolds me
...claps her hands
...reminds her that she just got FUCKED and not 'made love' to...we'll get to that later...
So...evidently the inner goddess is a boozehound...because she clearly told our friend Ana to get wasted at some random club...then told Ana it would be a good idea to drunk-dial Mr Grey.
Normally, when i get a drunk phone call at 3am I hang up on said person after hearing a few words of drunken garble...what does Mr Grey do?? HE USES HIS CELL PHONE TRACKER DEVICE TO STALK ANA AT THIS CLUB!! That's right...she steps outside and is like
omg, i'm so drunk...i need some fresh air so i can think about grey eyes and curly hair and describe these things in repeat and oh shit...it's my friend Jose...looks like he is trying to make drunk advances at me again. No way, Jose, I dont want your cliche taco flavored kisses!! NO QUIERO JOSE!
DUN DUN DUN!!! ENTERS MR GREY
"I think the lady said no"--mr grey
Thank you Mr Safe Word ...nothing like a guy who just appears out of the mist like fucking Brigadoon and is all up in your drunk grill. Ana, being quite the one with words, does the smartest thing she's done so far: she pukes all over the place and Mr Grey is her hair-holder...mmm....margarita vomit!!
What happens next???? Will there be an all our war between
You'll just have to wait...
