Ever wonder what John Locke from "Lost" would look like on a dating site? Well, wonder no more my Morbid followers--because his creepy and socially bizarro brother R____ contacted me this past summer.
Yes, i said 'summer'
I figured on this cold and snowy january day i would go back into my inbox and find a letter or two from last year. You see, these creeps are nothing 'new' to me...I just found a new way of sharing my horrors with the world. You're welcome.
Today's eligable bachelor comes to us courtesy of OkCupid! which is another popular (free) online dating site. Let's take a look and think warm thoughts as we travel back in time to
THE BOYS OF SUMMER!!!!
The Guilty: raymose
The Offense:
I was minding my own business this past summer...well...for the most part. I was hanging out with Gambit, the ferret of DOOM when a little digital birdie delivered the following e-mail to my me.
Subject: "R__ 5**424***3 WADING RIVER NOW SMTH POINT NUDE SUND"
Body: "r__ wading river my home liv free meet now zsunday smth point west beach i also hardbody i workout plant fitness riverhead tuesday nite rocky point tuesday nite hulse landing rd beach cool hang out r moses also tuesday very popular i single hetro 6ft wite skinhead 45 call i pic up 1 hour do call lov hello again"
My Response:
ermmmm.....i'm not even sure what he is trying to say there. He 'lives for free? He has a hard body? He's a 6ft tall member of the arian nation who wants to pick me up and has a tendency to repeat 'hello'?
And where does the "nude" come in?
and if you're so very popular then WHY DO YOU NEED A DATING SITE?!
...well...then again...i'm 'popular' and i can't find a date to save my life. I guess its just that whole 'standards' thing...tehee
Oh, ANDD you gave me your phone number in the SUBJECT LINE?! OMG, dude...stop already. this shit can't be real.
Like, for real, just reading that you have to wonder if i was just...spammed on a dating site? Only one way to know for sure...LET'S LOOK AT HIS PROFILE PAGE!
His Profile:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
OMFGWTFSTFU!!!!
I wish i could show yout he EYES!!! my god...they are like..lazer beam tripped out windows into the soul of Mr Spock and John Wayne Gacy's illegitimate child.
And look at the right hand corner of the picture....is that... A HAND?! or is it a cameo from Gullum?
but really...the eyes...oh god....THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!! and that smile? wtf were you thinking?? oh, well, the only thing you could be thinking: how illogical it would be to LET ME LIVE!
*shudder*
The written part:
"i r__ a physical guru ocean tested and shielded lifegaurd shied old workout 5 days a week great attitude bycycle fish play bass a little and sing
i be strong good looking and friendly conversation i keep also positive trending those who dwell in the demeanor of others characters later i liv too help i libral medical study small cert "
Translation:
Ummm....i dont know..actually. It appears that he went to a site like freetranslations.com or something and typed in some random letter in his own language and then copy and pasted the 'translated' version onto the site. Or maybe he just REALLY sucks at this whole computer thing...but...he was smart enough to get ON a dating site...i would hope he'd be smart enough to sell himself on a dating site.
Alright, let's try to decipher some of this here...ummm. It appears he is a nice guy who wants to help everyone while riding his bike, playing the bass and singing...If he writes like he talks i would LOVE to hear him serenade me at some point....
But that 'medical' part at the very end bothers me. What exactly does that mean? He already has the makings of a serial killer...the medical part just raises him up to a 'jack the ripper status'.
Well, needless to say I was scared at the pictures, bad grammar and lack of info on his profile. Not to mention the fact that he is almost 20 years older than me and poses with john merrick's hand.
THE RESPONSE:
Honey, I ignored that shit.
i mean, really...even if it was a real creepy guy and not some weirdo dating-site spammer he's STILL A CREEP and i dont want anything to do with that nonsense. Besides, not answering gets the point across right?
Well, as we know from my past dating experiences that is NOT always the case...
SECOND OFFENSE
Subject: "r__ "5********3 wading river now smth pnt nude tues"
Body: "yes beach today smith point nude i r__ 6ft 200lb good looking hardbody skinhead biker 45 plnt fitnss wed nite 9pm r moses thrs - sat 2-7 lov too meet tonite 1030 my home beach there hulse landing rd beach call r__ lov"
My Response:
I seriously dont know what this guy's deal is. Is it a real guy? Is it a spammer? what's the purpose of spamming DATING SITES?!
I almost want to go to 'plant fitness' and sit in the corner with sunglasses on and watch to see if anyone fitting his description comes in...then i can have a nice exchange with him...
Me: You R__? Me L___....YOU CREEP
Him: ...i r__ 6ft 200lb......
Maybe he's just a robot. and I dont trust robots.
Anyway, what's a girl to do when she's getting hit on by robotic men with gimp hands and lazer beam eyes who can't type nor form complete logical sentences???
She blocks them.
**CLLIIICCCKKKKK**
needless to say that was the last I heard of Mr raymose thanks to this wonderful 'blocking' feature. However, i'm not going to lie...the sleuth and masochist in me kinda wants to take him off the 'blocked' list to see if i continue to get e-mails about nudes...beaches...and skinheads in the middle of winter.
Come to think of it......>=]
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