"Bee" mine

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!!

It's everywhere...its in the drug stores, in your dirty laundry, hell....it's even here IN THIS BLOG!

THE GUILTY: BeeFan005

THE OFFENSE: A seemingly innocent e-mail preceeded by a seeminly OFFENSEIVE picture.

The Subject: Hi

The Body: You look stunning.

Who is this guy?! I'm pretty sure this is the SAME guy who's picture was sent to me a few weeks ago...except that time he was wearing a g-string and was on a bet surrounded by guns.

Either way...I would like to take your attention away from his Cro Magnon sloping brow and look at his topiary chest/stomach hair. That's right ladies...that would be a set of hearts....and with that dear 'come hither' stare HOW COULD I SAY NO?!

Well, i couldn't say no...which is why i took a look at his profile...this guy might be the future love of my life....

Let's see...it says he's from "New Hyde Park"
he prefers not to say what his body type is
He's 27...damn, he didn't age well....
Occupation: GRAVE ROBBER/BEE KEEPER

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!

If this isn't love, dear reader, than i dont know what is!

about me: I'm big in to digging holes in the middle of the woods. I like going to the beach and rolling around in the sand right after I have gone swimming. I'm not big on brushing my teeth, I think it's been at least 5 weeks since i've done that. I love puppet shows. My friends call me meat tooth for short, or the dood. My favorite animal is a polar bear. I go for long drives at a last minutes notice all the time. I have an acute memory from names and addresses.

First Date: I would probably pick you up and we could split a birthday cake from a nearby supermarket.

Alright alright...so I had been had by Mr Beefan005...that's cool...but the guy who made this site must be lurking online somewhere, right?

VICTORY!

**posted at the bottom of the page**
Well I hope this made you laugh, this is my kinda sense of humor look me up if you want, this is the real me "agnaralation"

OOOOOOOOO

A hunt!! how exciting...time to go snooping for this 'agnaralation'

First of all I would like to say that plentyoffish.com doesn't have the best search engine known to man. Well, at least my dumb ass found it a little hard to navigate...
OH! i have to hit the 'search USERNAME" button...silly me...okay...where is this guy....

My knight in shining armor is....A GINGER?!

...

I dont know how i feel about this...i m ean, i am not going to lie. I do enjoy the 'devil-may-care' grin but...the red hair...I dont know if i can deal with some fire crotch action...Let's see what he's about.

Hes in Glen Head...I have no idea where the hell that is...

he does tech work in a hospital...alright alright...this could be promising...

About Me: Hey there, if you don't like loud music, skating, and getting gnar with things then just stop here. I'm originally from NY and moved to Mass for a few years, more like 7. I work at some area hospitals on Long Island and i'm still continuing my education. I'm a big outdoors kinda dude. I like fishing, hiking and of course skating, it's a huge part of my life. I travel a lot, especially in the warmer weather. I've never been to europe or cali, but that's def in the works. I like pizza with a passion as well as sushi. I have a ton of tattoos and def working on more. I'm a gentelman I suppose, open your car door kinda guy, but I def have a sailor mouth haha.

....
Well, what do you mean by "if you dont like loud music"? does that mean that you are going to be playing your crappy music at top volume all the time? I mean, because i like music of all kinds...but i LOVE silence.

Skating?

Like...in-line skating?
No kid, i grew out of that phase years ago. I know you are only 27 but...even when i was 27 I was totally over that shit.
Translation: You're an asshole and you dont quite understand taht doing stupid things will mean that you will have stupid injuries...which will end with your stupid ass in a sling and no money coming in. ANd then what?? You're going to be like 'oh, well, if you could have seen it, man...i got som AIR!!'
That's the kinda shit i used to do in highschool....and i realized that getting hurt...HURTS...and the other you get the slower you are to bounce back. Ugh, I am NOT going to date an overgrown teenager.

GETTING GNAR

WTF IS 'GETTING GNAR'
Is that like...GWAR?!  because, that's pretty awesome...sadly i dont think that is the case. Methinks it's time to resort the the ONLY source of online lingo: URBAN DICTIONARY!!!

GNAR:

A shortened version of the word gnarly, meaning high on the scale of dangerousness and coolness. Often used among the skateboard crowd

 

We got us a real mature one here!!!

 

maybe his actual 'working' in hospitals is in reference to how often he is seen being rolled into said hospitals. Ugh, AND he has tattoos (sorry, i know its a total pot calling the kettle black but) i don't like guys with tattoos. That's right. I said it.

 

Let's see....what could this kid's first date ideas be...

 

First Date: Go somewhere where we could talk, maybe get some coffee or pizza!!!

 

MY RESPONSE:

oH WOWWWWWW!!!! That sounds reallllyyyy chill, man. Maybe like...when your mom drops you off at the mall we can go into Hot Topic or Pac Sun and get some totally stellar hoodies and stickers for our boards. THEN we can eat pizza and french fries and like...see who else we know in the food court and talk about our latest GNAR adventures.

 

LOSER!!!

 

Ugh, grow up kid....(did *I* really just say that?!)

 

I'm not going to lie but...if i had to choose a Valentine I think i would go with contestant A--the Bee keeper/grave robber....at least then i could have all the honey and corpses a girl could ever wish for.

 

mmm.....necrophelia...beuse dead boys (and girls) don't say no ;)

Manson Boy in 3D!!

Just  when you thought it couldn't get any more humiliating...he writes back

(re)RETURN OF THE MANSON BOY!!!

How could this be?? Had just sent me a message about how he wants to give me another 'chance'...and then went on some strange psychokiller rant before posting a youtube video of himself which WAS GROUNDS FOR DEATH in many walks of life...

I didn't respond..as a matter of fact i did what i always do: I posted it to this website and then showed all my friends said video, surely he saw the hits and realized that i was making fun of him, right?

right?

RETURNING OFFENDER: icefreak3

OFFENSE:
Aside from existing in the same planet as i currently reside? He sent me ANOTHER E-MAIL!!

Subject: What the new pics? :O

Body: well, I just got my heart STOMPED tonight by another gold digger. Its so pathetic, what about you? do you "LOVE" a guy for WHO he is? Or just whats in his wallet? and here's a video of me if I didnt send it to you the last time.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sAOo_tbL0w
 
MY RESPONSE:
YOU LIVE IN YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE, DRESS LIKE A HIGH SCHOOLER, SLEEP IN A BUNKBED, DONT HAVE A JOB, DONT HAVE A CAR AND MAKE STUPID VIDEOS LIKE THE ONE YOU SENT HERE THAT YOU ALREADY SENT TO ME LAST TIME.
 
ARGHHHH!!! of COURSE i care about what is in your fucking wallet! do yout hink i want to take care of your whiney psychopathic mortal kombat wearing christmas light wielding self? NO! And "LOVE" there is no 'LOVE' here...if there was remotely a chance i would have at least given you the time of day...you're writing to my fucking inbox...as if i'm going to write back and be like 'Gee, that's terrible....I love a guy for who he is...i like my guy to be real...and honest....and to be 30 and sleeping in a bunkbed laden with pictures of Marilyn Manson in his mother's house. I always hoped that my man would be an independant filmmaker too..and star in his own films...of him...wearing stilly Hot Topic/Party City/Comicon outfits and trying to be cool...while filming himself with his crew of 1...Mr Tripod.
 
To be honest I just got my soul STOMPED on when i read this. SOMEONE ACTUALLY WENT ON A DATE WITH THIS ASSHOLE?!?! I want to find this person and see what she looked like...then i'll be like 'really, what was it that turned you on? was it the (lack of) hair? or maybe the poorly executed eyeliner....OHHH MYYYY GGOOODDDDDDDDDDD...
 
And the fact that he is like 'roar roar roar my date tonight sucked roar roar...watch my video' leads me to believe that he has no friends. Why bitch to me? i wrote you a cold letter saying you are not what i'm looking for and signing it with 'regards' and you STILL think that i'm going to give you the time of day? go tell your mommy!! or maybe you're a Norman Bates type fellow and mommy just doesn't respond too often.
 
Final thought: if you haven't seen the youtube video i suggest you watch it....copy and paste that link and check that shit out. OR ELSE YOU WILL MISS THIS:
 

"I do not fuck up"

Sub Zero taking a tumble

fighting a snow stubby penis with a light sabre

his ship came in...aground

see Spot in rehab

...and much MUCH MORE!!!!

mirror mirror on the wall...

I know I know...

It's been about a week since i last wrote in my blog...sadly i have this horrible thing called "work" that eats away at my soul and absorbs my every waking moment.

But, thankfully the creepers on the internet don't have frivilous things such as 'jobs' to keep them at occupied...

The Guilty: Allnighter013

(above caption courtesy of him)
If pictures could talk: "don't mind me, i'm just chillin in my wife beater and overly straight yet crooked hat. And that arm...its not just flexed baby that's the way it is GANGSTA"

The Offense:
alright, first let's take a look at his name "allnighter013" for some reason my brain goes to two places. First: I'm reminded of that night in undergrad where i realized there was a paper due on "The Communist Manifesto" at 8am the following morning and i didn't even read the book.
That was an all nighter.
And i would assume the number '13' would go with it very well because goddamn that paper sucked...and that book sucked too. Who would have thought for a little pamphlet that was like...40 pages it would take damn near all night and two packs of cigarettes to get through it (granted..i didn't know a damn thing i was reading but hey...'understanding' it was optional)

THE SECOND translation would be that he can partake in sexual intercourse for the duration of the night.

wow....i hope that's not true...and it's followed by the number '13'...so maybe that would mean that all night long we are trying to 'get it up' and it just ain't workin. Why the hell would i want that shit?

oh well, let's see what he wrote:

Subject: hi

Body:  Hey how are you doing? btw I'm J___
P.S.

your a cutie
 
MY RESPONSE:
P.P.S. can't you form a complete thought? btw i dont like you.
and you used the wrong 'your'...jackass
and i dont like being called stupid ass names like 'cutie'.
 
UGHHHH...is it soooo hard to write a goddamn sentence? obviously for him it was pretty difficult to think of anything more complex than 'the cat in the hat'.
 
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HIS PROFILE
...shall we?
 
 

Nope...nope don't 'luv' it....and your shirt it stuck in your belt...oh, and you collar is kinda doing its own thing...and, in the immortal words of Chris Rock "TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT"  
let's see...it says he lives in Brooklyn, Hamptons, and NYC...impressive...he's omnipresent
he's 27 years old and a Catholic...and he's 'ACTIVELY SEEKING" a relationship. I guess writing women lame ass messages is pretty 'active'...i'll let him have that.
 
About me: I'm P.R. and have some Ital in me as well, damn proud of it too. I live & have a house out in the Hamptons but I'm a Queens Boy at heart, being that I was raised there and all. I also have a APT in Brooklyn near Williamsburg where I stay at from time to time. I'm more or less a down to Earth type of person. I guess you can call me a "Hopeless Romantic" just out to Enjoy Life and have Fun. Oh remember that Im Latin and Italian so I can get pretty Wild when the time is right ; ) You can almost always find me salsa dancing NAKED!! . . after a shower.. checking out da goods in my mirror.. Hey thats how I do..lol.. My friends tell me I'm funny as Hell at times but I don't see it, I'm just me. On my free time I like to chill with good friends, go to the movies, Eat tons of Ice Cream lol.,. its ok tho I do workout at least 3 times a week, eat pretty healthy and I even started drinking Protein shakes with 0grams of Fat and 50grams of protein "Thats right ****es".lol.. When the weather is nice you can find me Riding my baby A.K.A. motorcycle, kawasaki 1100. Love to going to the beach, playing sports like: baseball, handball and whatever...... If I have the time I do like to hit up a Lounge or club, once in a blue either in the Hamptons &/or NYC. I dislike when people are starting to tell me something and they say never mind, dont worry, or its not important.. Damn I hate that lol.,.
One more thing, for all you Wonderful Sweet ladies who say there are no good men left or out there... Please Listen to this: "GOOD Men are like apples on trees" The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most women don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren..t as good, but easy...... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they..re amazing. They just have to wait for the right woman to come along - the one who..s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.....

In my case, I'm type of man who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on me, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat or will stay awake just to watch you sleep, looking all cute. Waits for kisses but is happy enough just to be able to kiss you on your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you, thats just simply me. In the end Im just hope someone see me for me on the inside instend of the out. Xox ;)
 
MY RESPONSE:
..o! WHERE DO I BEGIN?!
Let's see...he  keeps talking about this "hamptons' house...clearly he has money...that in itself is a HUGE turnon to golddiggers like me and most other women...but then...we see the tradeoff...
 
He a house in the hamptons and an apt in williamsburg and he tells me that he is a 'down to earth' person. I'll bet he has a Deadhead sticker on his Cadallac as well...  He's a 'hopeless romantic' and in the same paragraph he writes that you can " almost always find me salsa dancing NAKED!! . . after a shower.. checking out da goods in my mirror..."
I think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit with that image.
Clearly he is a hopeless romantic when it comes to looking at floppy dicks (at least his own floppy dick) dance around in front of him. In which case I dont think i have the correct 'plumbing' suitable to ignite his true passion.
 
He rides a crotchrocket...blech...'moving roadkill'-that's what i call those assholes.
 
And WTF is up with this 'i'm latin' crap. Yeah, okay, first people get allll upset because people use 'stereotypes' to describe different ethnicities...and then we have jackasses like this douche going 'well, i'm latin so OBVIOUSLY that means ...but...what about the stabbing and gangs and like...Thunderdome and all other things that 'you people' do? 
 
WOOWWWW he drinks protein shakes-and LOOK! HE'S EVEN READING ME THE NUTRITION FACTS OFF THE LABEL! Golly! i can't wait to go on a date with him!
 
Then he puts shit that he got in some e-mail chain letter in the middle of his profile. SO the piece of shit spam that was sent to your inbox 8 years ago that you didn't want to read then has become the piece of shit spam on a dating site that you don't want to read now.  
'
Then we have his closing paragraph '...blah blah blah call you beautiful instead of hot'.
No you didn't asshole, you called  me 'cutie'...and there are many words i would use to describe me but none of them are in the 'cute' family. 
type of guy who 'calls you back when you hang up on me'. FUCKER! I HUNG UP ON YOU FOR A REASON!! I dont want your stupid ass calling and calling back and leaving messages like '...but i want to talk to you...but...i love you...and i understand and i want to TALK TO YOU'
I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU...CREEP!!!
 
I once had a creepy sociopath that i was seeing do that to me. If he wanted to talk to me and i hung up on him he would call...and call...and call...and his voicemails would get progressively meaner..and meaner...and the next thing you know i was scared to leave the house without full armor. *shudder* thanks for the warning wackadoodle...
 
"waits for kisses....kiss you on the forehead"
"show you off to the world...you are in sweats"
"holds your hand in front of his friends"
blah blah blah blah BLAHBLHABLHJDFJKLHNDSAFOIHSFD
 
YUK!!! this whole page offends me!!
I read this guy to be some douchebag who is like 'i'm awesome and i'm great and you belong to me...and i'm needy and clingy and needy and please like me...please...i'm lonely...and...i wish i had a friend...but i'm awesome...and i'm fat free...Patrick Bateman is my homeboy...wait here while i get my rain poncho..."
 
His Idea of a FIRST DATE:
Whatever we would like to do thats fun,... maybe have dinner afterwards go for a nice walk and talk. Get to know each other better and give me a chance to tell you silly jokes =)
 
OOHOOOHOOOHHHH
I have a silly joke for you: I think you're attractive and the 'one' for me!! <3 <3
NOOOTTTTTTTT
 
 
 
 
 
Now take your hair gel and your static cling and please...forget i existed

Return of the Manson (complete with video *he* sent)

Hey everybody! On this Martin Luther King day i would like to ask the qustion that i'm sure has been on everyone's mind since i last posted about him: 'What ever happened to Mansonboy?".

You remember him, right? he lived with his mother and slept in a bunkbed and didn't have a job and dressed like marilyn manson at the ripe old age OF 30!! If you dont have any idea who i'm talking about please click here!!

Well, i figured by telling him politely NO that he would go back and creep on some other girl dressed in black...either that or go tell his mommy that 'no one understands him' and spend his weekly allowance on new clothes from hot topic.

BUT I WAS WRONG!!!

I did my morning ritual of checking facebook, cnn and then my dating sites and i saw a new message from:

GUILTY: Icefreak3

OFFENSE:
hee'ssssss baaaaaaaccckkkkkkk...
and this time he has a NEW PROFILE PICTURE...I almost didn't recognize him--except for the obvious 'creep' aura eminating from him.



whooooooooaaaaa

wait...how does someone go from Manson wannabe to....plaid?

So wait, so the first couple times he messaged me he tried to look all whiney emo/badass/poser and now he's just...playing Dungeons and Dragons with a buzzcut? Ugh, my "Attack of 7" trumps his "suave of (-)infinity"

Oh, that reminds me...do you want to see what he wrote me this time? Check this out:

Header: "Round 2 3 or 400"

Body: "I'll ALWAYS give you another try [hold his head OH WHY cant woman just say YES! it'll make there lives SSOO much easier!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sAOo_tbL0w"
 
YOU MUST WATCH THE VIDEO!! DO IT NOW!!
just copy and paste the youtube link into your searchbar and watch it...because...it's a video of him...doing...things that he does instead of finding a job. (hint: Mortal Kombat, bowling, faux leather and christmas lights...can't beat this shit)
 
MY RESPONSE:
PAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Like, alright, i understand that this crap is funny...and he made it to BE funny...but WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING IN THOSE SITUATIONS ANYWAY?! you're not 15....you're a grown man...recording YOURSELF doing stuff worthy of Napoleon Dynamite...and then SENDING IT TO A GIRL YOU LIKE! Jesus Christ!! haha, there is no way this guy is real...or maybe...its the surrealness of it that makes him real...
 
nah.
 
and what is this "i'll ALWAYS give you another try" nonsense. I'm offended..and this whole 'why can't women just say yes" silliness? For some reason when i read that i had an image of him...covered in blood and a slaughtered body on the ground screaming 'WHYYYYYYY CAN'T WOMEN JUST SAY YES?!?!"
 
AND THAT SCARES ME.
 
Granted, our boy S____does have a point there. If i did say "yes" to every CHUD and whackadoodle that asked me out I would totaly not be on the market right now. Of course, i'd be either dead, in a cage, in a brothel, a zombie...who knows where i could be now if i didn't have this thing called STANDARDS.
Granted those of you who know my dating record know that my standards aren't very high...but hey, they are still standards.
 
...oh and incase you were wondering...NO...I am not responding to this jackassery. BUT YOU MUST WATCH THAT VIDEO!!! DO ITTT!!! and remember ladies (and perhaps gentlemen)...he's single ;)
 
 

awestruck

There are some things in life that you just can't make up...those things usually happen to me.

Like this guy...

THE GUILTY: Sexulchoclate

THE OFFENSE:

Before i post the e-mail that was sent to me by Mr Sexulchoclate i would like to just say something real quick. Take a look at his screen name....you would THINK that this person would be black and referring to himself as some lameo pickup line...well, a line with BAD GRAMMAR.
but...here's the message I got:

"You do porn?? Thats amazing WHITE POWER!"

MY RESPONSE:......
ummmmmm...let me look at this douchebag's picture...OH MY GOD!!!

There is no way in hell that this guy is for real.  That is probably the scariest thing i have seen since I accidently walked in on my parents having sex.

I must look at his page...

Well, he's from Jersey. That explains everythig right there.

OH, and he's a "Goatherder"...well, Jersey is known for their influx of goats...

About Me:

 "My Ex went out for, " Girls Night", so I did the same with the Fellas..My crew and I went to a club in the heart of an Urban area..I will never forget, the song or what I saw next..The song, Hansons MMm Bop, the sight, my Ex sandwiched between 2 black men with erections on the dance floor...Needless to say this was the end and here I am. Bout me , Joy was brought to this world August 24th, 1978 @ 6:15 am in Queens NY, .. I Moved to Jersey in 2nd grade been here since. I am a hard working man , who lives and breathes Classic cars..I love what I do, and feel blessed to be able to do it..When Im not working which is not too often, I enjoy riding the Harley, and going on any kind of road trip in a classic ride..I enjoy going to scenic places, antique shops, and like to dress in Thermal underwear and walk around Wallmart..The thermals must be skin tight! Go big or go home..I like the Zoo, I like big fluffy animals, and I still cant figure out why the hell Giraffes were put on this earth, and why we need them? I feel watching sports is a waste of time..On a Sunday instead of getting drunk and yelling at the TV in a bar, at a bunch of overpaid atheletes who cant even hear me, Id rather hop on the hog, and drive through the mountains..The thing that bugs me about sports is People dont like the away teams, just cause theyre not from where you grew up? So lame, ugh! Dont get me wrong Ive sat through it, and would do it for the rite person but not my thing..I like to play sports not watch them, except Boxing, and UFc, thats entertainment. Im pretty much will do anything on a dare, and am always looking to have fun, and goof around..I dont care what people think, and am very comfortable with myself and everything I do..I will sing Kareoke sober, I will do anything fun sober, People think Im drunk when Im sober..I dont need drugs or alcohloe to be fun..Its a gift my Father passed down to me, its in my Italian blood ..I would kinda like a partner in crime that I could get into trouble with..A person that we could conctantly try to out do eachother in the stupidity department..I am always the entertainer, for once I would like to be entertained too :)... Its simple if you dont care what people think, have nuts of steel, great sense of humor, you may fit the bill..If you love the 1950;s, 1980's Elvis Rock, Tattoos, Cars, motorcycles, The beach, Car shows, you will be even higher in the rankings. My Music tastes not big on Hip Hop..Beastie Boys Run DMC, pretty much closest thing to rap il go. Oldies, Metal, Doo Wop , and Rock, is where its at..Favorite bands..Motley Crue, Elvis, Billy Idol, Godsmack, Social Distotion, Van Halen, etc I know Im missing tons..Favorite Movies, The Wanderes, Better off dead, Dirty dancing, Grease, all 6 Rocky films, Rambo, anything Stallone! Eddie and the cruisers, Ghost I cry at the end :( Boondock saints..Karate kid, The Goonies, and Gigi. Well guess you get the drift, Im looking for different than the norm becasue thats what I am..Fun, Fun is the key! life is too short..Im in no rush, just looking for a good click, then see where and what kind of trouble we could raise...."

My idea of a first date:  "My first date..I would take my date to The National Wholesale Liquidators..We we then purchse matching fuzzy Velor $10.99 jogging suits, my treat..We would get into our skin tight fresh gear, (which would be so tight it would leave nothing to the imagination) And head over to the most packed shopping mall, and power walk through the crowd while holding hands!..Matching Ambervision glasses, and gold chains optional.."

MY RESPONSE:
Well, at first I thought it was a guy after my own heart.

I thought that it was some guy who really didn't give a shit and was on the site just for the fun of it...and then he actually started talking about himself...and then I saw his real picture:

THIS MAN SCARES ME.

Really, I would almost prefer the guy in the g-string with the guns and the...man-fur...this guy looks like a wife beater. 

I'm also a little disturbed that he mentiones "sober" three times in one train of thought...and he mentions 'i dont need drugs or alcohol to have a good time'...I may be watching too many crime shows on tv but this sounds to me like a classic recovering 12-stepper. Not that there is anything wrong with a recovering addict...but in the past it does not seems to work out well...AT ALL.

Also, what is with his obsession with 'tight' clothing that leaves 'nothing to the imagination'. I can't tell if he's joking or if he's telling the truth. I"m willing to bet this guy is COO-COO and put in some humor to make light of the fact that he is...probably a robot.

Well, and Italian robot...who likes cars...but (according to his stats) doesn't own one.

Sorry, but that's kinda lame. I mean if you are going to rattle on about how much you love something...but you dont even OWN a POS to get you from point A to B...and then you post pictures like this:

I'm going to go ahead and say that you are ALREADY MISLEADING ANY POTENTIAL FEMALES.  I mean, i thought that this was a guy who collected classic cars...not some douche who goes from car yard to card yard and poses with OPP (other people's property...for those of you who were not rocking out in the 90s).

MY written RESPONSE:

... I actually didn't write anything. However, there is a part of me that REALLY REALLLLLY wants to write him just to say what he will write back....or if he will write back..

Something tells me I'm going to be doing something I will regret...very shortly...

 

For Nerd Eyes Only

I don't like to let slip this little secret of mine but:

 I'm a nerd.

Like, seriously...I can tell you the most useless crap from many a beloved fantasy and sci-fi repitoire. I try to hide it behind the bleached out hair and my avid self-esteem but, in actually, I was collecting Magic cards and Star Wars CCG cards with the best of them.
*the key word in that statement: was 

However, only because i pretend to be badass doesn't mean i'm not one to drop a nerdy reference from time to time...or come to blows over Boromir's honor...no...sometimes i just can't help it...and that's what gets me in trouble.

Like this guy...

Guilty: Myridny

Offense:

Okay, at first it was kinda funny....i opened my POF account to find that someone who looked like a chubby clark kent had written me...see exhibit A


Exhibit A: Clark Kent offers me a....fish?

 See, i even drew little glasses on him so you could see the striking resembelence to Superman!! And...look at that little curl on his forhead....but....what is that in his hand?
And...why is he on bended knee?
With..that thing in his hand?
And what's with that smirk?
It's almost like he's saying 'we're in the forest, i'm half dressed...and i have this fish. ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?!!!!"
and of course, the average person would be like 'oh shit...a fucking axe murderer!!!!'
But no..that's when he looks at you with his baby blues (behind the glasses of course) and he says "...LET'S WEAR RUBBER PANTS AND POLKA!!!"

yup...that's exactly how it would play out...and this man is a loon...but, regardless let's see what he wrote

FIRST MESSAGE
Date: 1/7/11

Heading: SURPRISE!!!

Body: ;) at you

My Response:
SURPRISE!!! I hate WINKY FACES >=[
Jesus...well, compared to a lot of the other messages i have gotten this one was nothing, ANd look at him..hes as harmless as the joker (in the old school batman tv show)...he gave me a box and when you open it you expect a bomb...and its just a silly sign that says 'bang'.

This guy shall get no response from me.

HIS SECOND MESSAGE
Alright, so maybe living with fishes in the forest made this guy lack social graces. Maybe he doesn't understand that if you READ my profile i actually mention that I DONT RESPOND IF I'M NOT INTERESTED. Or, maybe he was going to use a Jedi Mind trick...

Date: 1/9/2011

Subject: Re: SURPRISE!

Body: "Let's take a ride on a rocketship!"

My Response:
Well, this caught me off guard...you see, i never responded to him so there is no reason that the "RE:" should be in the title of the message...odd.

And secondly, that was a paraphrase of what Zaphod Beeblebrox asked Trillian when he met her at that fancy dress party.

Now, i didn't know if that's what he was aiming for but i figured if a guy looks like a comic book character then he HAS TO know Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. But first, let's take a look at his profile.

The Profile

Well, it turns out our friend is 35 years old...he's in to yoga....

About me: "Not your mister perfect
I like drinking ginger ale and root beer soda's.
Doing things like building something with my own hands make's me proud.
I like visiting new places, can be a new restaurant or a new town.
Sunny days are the best.
I have a nature too explore.
One of my favorite atributes is my ability to get dressed quickly.
I like to keep it simple and go with the flow.
I will try any food that comes my way. (I eat my greens and Love Pesce).
Movies I like are usually comedies, but I do like a horra with company.
I like cartoon's
The type of girl for me is independent, strong, confident & must have a wild side to her.
A Classic Beauty
my favorite color is blue
My opinoion is icecream cake is the most bestest.
disclamier/I'm not the a**hole I portait
For you to like me you must be able to deal with me ."

Alright...so you like ginger ale AND rootbeer sodas...does that mean that you like them...like..together? because...that's gross annd reminds me of 5th grade.
He 'keeps it simple'...alright, look at me...'simple' isn't even in my vocabulary...unless we are talking about work that i have to do or math problems..then i like SIMPLE.
I HATE comedies.
Cartoons? y ou actually put that in your dating profile? at 35 years old? ewwwwwwww
There are many things that I am...and what I am not is a CLASSIC BEAUTY!
He likes 'blue'..would that be Prussian? Baby? Cobalt? really...there are too many options out there for me to do a proper mental evaluation.
He likes ice cream cake...
"For you to like me you must be able to deal with me...."
WOW

Thank you for your wise words.
My god, what are you,,,,7? Hell, i'll give you 12...you attempted to use average words and you mispelled them. I'll bet you like video games too....

You totally didn't even read my profile, did you. As a matter of fact I dont even think you looked at my pictures. I think you just typed away at the keyboard like some monkey at a typewriter and magically you got my screen name...duuuuudddeeeeeeeee

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT....but he still made me laugh with his rocketship line...I suppose i owed him some sort of small response.

SOmething so irrelevant that it's obvious that i'm giving him the slip.... I GOT IT!!

MY written RESPONSE

Date: 1/9/2011
"ALRIGHT, you got me to respond. That was very Zaphod Beeblebrox of you."

THERE

i didn't give him a 'funny ha ha' line. I didn't ask how he was doing...hell, i didn't even give him my name...in online dating terms this translates to "I'm being nice...now please bugger off"

HIS THIRD MESSAGE:

Date: 1/10/2011
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Surprise!
Body: "thanks i will take that as a compliment.."

Ugh, no...take it as 'okay...okay...i see that you have contacted me. very nice. shoo shoo' I didn't tell him though, i figured with my lack of response he would figure that out on his own.

HIS FOURTH MESSAGE:

Date: 1/11/2011
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Surprise!
Body: "Hello
 My name is Mario"

Ummm....not only am I a little annoyed that it's been 4 days since he FIRST contacted me..and 2 days since i wrote him that partially digested sentence and iw ant him to leave me be.
But..his name is "Mario"?

Is this guy fucking with me? There is no way his name is 'mario'. I think he was privy to my nerd games and was trying to con me into responding with "lol! is there a luigi? tell the princess I said "hi" "
WELL THE JOKE'S ON HIM
Cuz I ain't responding....besides, this time he attached a brand spankin new picture to his e-mail...[please reference exhibit b:

exhibit b: Monkey kidnaps child on sketchy crotch rocket



....This picture scares me.

I dont know what it is..maybe its the Gomer Pile look on his face...maybe its that weird flexing 'derrr derrr' thing he is doing with his arm...or that little kid that he appears to be sitting on and suffocating.

Something in this picture isn't right...

MY RESPONSE:

*distant violin*

MARIO GET'S NO RESPONSE FROM ME!!!!! If only i had that damn blue turtle shell...

HIS FIFTH MESSAGE

Date: 1/12/2011

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Surprise!

Body: "How are you today?"

Funny you should mention that, Mario, i was actually doing really well until i saw that YOU FUCKING WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!'

Jesus, you've been hounding me for almost a week now. I think it's time to give up the search and write someone else random one sentence messages.

BUT WAIT!!!

HIS SIXTH MESSAGE:

Date: 1/15/2011

Subject:Re:Re:Re;Re:Re:Re:Surprise!

Body: "I'd like to take you for a spin"

WELL ISN'T THAT NICE.

I'd like to take you for a spin too...you'd better watch for banana peels mister.

I'm on to your game.

I dont understand what this guy thinks he is trying to do. I mean, usually with persistance comes progressively ANGRY e-mail about how i'm a stupid bitch and i'm going to die alone and whatnot.

But this guy...his e-mails dont go ANYWHERE.

and this 'take you for a spin'...*looks outside* its like...10 degrees outside and it is the land of ice and snow...yeah, we'll go for a spin to our fucking graves on your POS bike.

Or maybe you meant that like a 'sexual innuendo', i really hope that's not the case...because if he follows up that e-mail with something even more blatently sexual i'm going to shove a wad of kryptonite up his pansy ass.

Actually, I think i'm going to write him to take a ride on his rocketship and go back to whatever planet he came from.

message from an overdone Turk(ey)

I love snowdays.

Where else can you find a day where its perfectly acceptable to be a complete hermit?

No need for my cutting tongue of doom today! I'm not going to deal with people and, in return, nobody is going to bother me...how nice....i can finally put away my axe and focus only on my ferrets, on cleaning and catching up on much needed sleep...

Oh, i suppose i should check my online dating accounts, huh?

dun....Dun....DUNNNNNNNNN.....!!

What a shocker...

The Guilty: KARMANY

The Offense:

Look, I had never met nor seen this guy before in my life.
He should be thanking whatever god(s) he believes in because i would probably push him into a wood chipper and feed his hairy pureed remains to hungry piggies...

THE MESSAGE:
Subject: ...

Body: "i'm just wondering how come u are a single...oh yeah u said dont text me i text first thats why u are a little bit egoist good luck ..."

Dude, who the fuck are you?

Oh, that's right...here we have a classic case of 'this girl/guy is out of my league....i'm going to now insult them because they don't lower their standards. i may be an ugly loser who can't speak english well but its HER LOSS'
**on okcupid they post how well you speak whatever languages...you...speak---so he wrote that he speaks English "poorly". Hence, it's not my assumption.

But this case is a little different. You see, the guilty party is from Turkey...so it could be a cultural thing...which makes me even MORE pissed off.

I.
HATE.
MALE CHAUVINISM.

I dont care if its your 'culture' or your 'religion' or just the way you think...if you think that i have less rights or freedoms because i have a vagina then you deserve to be castrated.
End of story.

MY RESPONSE
I know what you're thinking: "Well, Dauphine...what did you write on your page to make this guy write you this letter?"

Well, i'm glad you asked...let's take a look at my page and see what could have pushed this poor fellow over the boundaries of 'if you've got nothing nice to say DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL'. I guess they dont have Bambi in turkey...

My Profile:

about me: " I work in the theatre...that gives me the green light to be a complete eccentric...which I am.
I walk to the beat of my own drum regardless of what people say...and yes, i love it"


I'm really good at: being myself

Favorite books, music..etc:  "blah blah blah 80's 80's metal...i hate rap...and if one more person tells me 'you look like Lady Gaga' i am going to punch you in the face"

You should message me if: "you don't expect a response. 

no, seriously, don't message me unless I message you first. You can try but don't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah, Im picky...and that tends to make me a 'bitch'. If you do decide to write me and i don't write back its nothing PERSONAL...im just not wasting either of our precious time. I'm a free spirit and I'm enjoying life...I am in NO rush (nor am i even feeling the desire) to be in any type of relationship.

oh yeah, and sending me hate mail does nothing for your cause...it just makes you look desperate and it makes me laugh. "

Alright Alright...
so maybe i threatened bodily harm with the lady gaga thing...but that was only because people were like 'hey, did anyone ever tell you you look lik elady gaga?" as if that would get my attention and thus get them in my pants.
Well, i fooled them...Lady GaGa doesn't even WEAR pants! HA!

Seriously though,
my profile was honest and to the point. I didn't write anything about my love of life and how i want babies and how i love my family and the yankees and how i love to drink and how i want true love...blah blah blah...
I'm a bitch. Cold and simple...now bugger off and leave me be.

HIS PROFILE
Well, maybe there was something in my profile that offended him so...besides my warning about not getting a response...hmm...let's take a peek.

My Self Summary: "I enjoy meeting new people and can tell that I am not a difficult person.. I'd like to spend time with my friends and have so much fun with them; that's my favorite. I am looking forward to meeting new people maybe someone special who knows?"

Translation: well, based on his introductory e-mail that was sent to me I am going to say that he is a liar and a wife beater.

I'm Really Good At: "cooking..."

Translation: he can't afford to go out.  Let me guess...he makes a 'mean' casserole and his ramen is 'out of this world'.

Six things i could never do without:
"oxygen

underwear
sleep
boot in this weather
sun
phone "

Translation: hmmm.....all this mentioning of superfluous shit can mean only one thing: a wannabe serial killer with OCD

You Should Message Me if: "u want to..."

NOT WITH THAT LOUSY ATTITUDE, MISTER.

Wow...a city full of creeps and i get the one with no personality at all.

AND, HE WEARS A DOUCHEY HAT AND POSES IN THE MIDDLE OF A NYC STREET!
Exhibit A:

He's even STANDING LIKE A DOUCHEBAG!
I mean, Look at him...he's like 'Damn, i'm badass in my hipster canal street fedora that is too small for my head...just look at me. I'm standing in the street. Yeah, I'm a smoooooth operator'.

My (written) RESPONSE:
Yes indeed...this fellow deserved a response...after all he did manage to keep my vagina squeaky clean with his stale, douchy existance.

I wrote:
"you know that part about 'dont text me'? that was meant for assholes like you with nothing good to say. Maybe if you understood English you would have gotten that, now fuck off.


Good luck, douche."
 
*send*

*BLOCK*
 
HA HA!!!! I love getting the last word in. Even if that means being immature and blocking the immature bastard who started this stupidity.
 
But hey...just remember this the next time you are in Istanbul (not Constantinople)

"Hung" is my Chinese Neighbor's Middle Name

Well, I lied...I dont really have a Chinese neighbor...and this next post has NOTHING to do with anything Chinese...except maybe the fact that i am currently craving some cheese wontons.
mmm.....cheese wontons...

Anyway, there is something about dating sites that makes a person feel like they are Rico Suave. They feel that they can be as vulgar as they want, as 'gangsta' (yes, i've gotten e-mails containing that word) as they want and ultimately..as DESPERATE as they want...but in their own weido little heads they think they are being the fucking Johnny Depp of the online dating community.

But nothing...i mean NOTHING attracts a girl more than saying flat out-that you are...hung.

Now, I do admit...I am no stranger to the rant of "GUYS SHOULD TELL GIRLS BEFOREHAND IF THEY ARE LACKING(in penis size...incase you really had no idea where iw as going with this)". But...there is something creepy when a guy you dont even know feels the need to tell you.

What? This has never happened to you? WELL...here, why dont you read my e-mail correspondance with:

GUILTY: GrizzleyBear25



see, he's kinda suave...so i thought


OFFENSE:
this is another one that i thought was kinda cute from the beginning. I am going to admit...i was the first person to write in this situation mainly because i really wanted to hear about him and what he does.
**even if you are johnny depp's twin brother..if you dont have a decent job it ain't happening**

My intro letter:
"You say you're a comic and a poet....but you dont drink...
somehow i dont believe any of that."

See, it was to the point. It wasn't creepy and it showed that i actually READ his profile as opposed to just looking at the pictures...now...to see if he responds.

HIS FIRST RESPONSE:
"spank you hehe u as well what's shakin bakin? :P"

MY RESPONSE:
...wtf? not only did he say 'spank you'...which brings back creepy ace ventura memories...but he also used the LETTER 'u' instead of typing out the whole word...and he used THE TONGUE SMILEY.
I HATE THAT SMILEY
you see :P translates to: i'm not mature enough to write an actual ADULT response...so i'm going to make this up and then do this little 'tongue' thing because its cute andyou will think of tongues which will make you think of sex and how awesome i am.

im serious...that's what it means.
on dating sites anyway.

*ahem*

Anyway, i decided that his response spoke a thousand unspoken words...that all translated to 'RUN'...so i did not write him anything in return. guess what happened next....

HIS SECOND RESPONSE (To nothing...considering i hadn't sent him another e-mail)
"and a porn star...
yeap a threesome i am.

i drink a little not much.


Oddity indeed. i love being unique,different,standing out just satnding winky ;)"

MY nonverbal RESPONSE
...after studying this reply i am going to assume that
1. he is incredibly delusional
2. 'satnding' actually translates to 'standing'...which still makes no sense
3. WHY DID HE WRITE 'WINKY' ...and what's with the winky face? was there some innuendo that I didn't catch? Am i supposed to be thinking in between the lines to create these innuendos...because...i jsut thought of one but it was LAME...
4. in only his second response he has already taken to half-assed talking about sex. this guy must not get laid...at all.

MY written RESPONSE
yes...i wrote him back on this one...with:
"I'm not even sure how to respond to that..."

voila.

HIS THIRD RESPONSE
"well that works because I'm not even sure what it meant.lmao! whoever does? hehe That's what makes it unique and everybody.I leave u wanting more and ur mouth open I love wowing people...."

MY nonverbal RESPONSE
he definitely doesn't get laid....definitely...def....definitely
"leave u wanting more and ur mouth open..."

Guy, really...just stop it. I mean, I have the mind as pure as the virginal snow and THIS makes me feel dirty.
AND USE ACTUAL WORDS!! ugh, what is this 'ur' or 'u' crap? he's 37 years old...enough already!! jesus tapdancing christ

HIS FOURTH RESPONSE (without my reply)
"U like that combination? haha u see how one thing leads into another.Perverse,"Mouth Open", and now comedic as well.SKy's the Limt hehehe ;)"

MY nonverbal BLAHBLAH
"ohhhh!!!!"
just incase i didn't get the 'wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more' of his previous message he had to help me out. Well, I was going to help him out...

MY written RESPONSE
"alright buddy, do you even have a career? or how about a job?"

HIS FIFTH RESPONSE
"Poet-comic-actor-salesperson-singer-and piano.


I like to think of myself as a porn star becuase I'm really handsome,hung,and incredible in bed.I guess I'm also a part time**** **** as well the only problem is I just don't get paid for that. lmfao!!! hahaha"


MY nonverbial nonsense:

wait wait wait...let me get this straight and translate this for the untrained eye:
-'poet'=out of work
-'comic' =thinks he's funny...but pathetic and out of work
-"actor'=insecure, broke, vain, a liar, sociopath, dillusional
-"salesperson"=I work in Hot Topic
-"singer"=I sound really good when i sing karaoke...it also helps if you're drunk
-"piano"=??

The piano one really got to me...I would have toa sk him about his sidegig as a PIANO later...but first...
"...really handsome,hung,and incredible in bed."
Dude...did you seriously just say that?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "im not arrogant...i'm just better"
teehee
and what the hell is "**** ****"....and WHY don't you get paid for it?!  ugh...time to ask my question(s) to this kind, well-spoken gentleman.

Had I have seen this picture prior to my message this post would not be happening.
**ps...that hat-HOT TOPIC! those glasses-eh...probably Canal Street

MY written RESPONSE
"...you keep yourself busy huh? and I've never met a 'piano' before...how exciting"

HA HA! you brag and brag about yourself and the only thing that sticks with me is that you called yourself a 'piano'...FAIL.

HIS RESPONSE
"yeap I'm very hung,but confident in who I am.i like taking risks..."

MY written REPONSE:
"...i asked about your side gig as a 'piano'"

HIS RESPONSE:
"so what's ur deal what's ur goal on here what are u looking for? what's ur passion and desire?


being hung and good looking are very big pluses.i wouldn't say it if i didn't mean it.No bragging just honest.Never afaraid to show a gal to prove myself either.I'm not very shy.also I make love like a porn star,but can be genlt when imperative as well..."


MY unwritten RESPONSE:
...
FIRST OF ALL: Porn stars don't "make love"...they FUCK.
SECOND: Porn stars are constantly tested for STDs and AIDs...i'm willing to bet you're NOT
THIRD: Really dude, i'm done with you...as i read your responses I can feel my IQ dropping and I'm scared I might contract the herp through the computer. Please sir...forget I exist...

HIS UNWARRANTED RESPONSES
*Presented in the order from which they were received...complete with no reply from myself**

Date: 1/2/11
Time: 12:24pm
"i love porn stars and penthouse people playboy I have nver met nicer people in my life.i hung out with Dayton Raines all night long oncePorn star she was soooo fuickin down to eart and nice it was like are u kidding me? u forget what they do as ur talking to themIt;'s amazing. Some of them are really smart to.I love the fact u do what u love that's so key.Mad respect."

Date 1/2/11
Time: 12:48pm
"I'm a free sprit as u can tell my ex was not like that she didn't share not good.I'm very open minded I love laughing with whoeversex with whoeevr, i mean I'm capable of loving of course but Ilove the porn industry so much and i love the stars of penthouse and born.Down to earth,free spirits,open minded. They have so much to offer and Love it;s crazy"


Date 1/2/11
Time: 2:14pm
"I work in the city and hang out in the city I hate gay strong isalnd as well.my nrithday is the month your welcome to come with us in the city if u wish..."

Date 1/2/11
Time: 2:25pm
"aslo what kind of art do u do?"

MY OVERALL RESPONSE:
What are do i do?
I do lots of things....but wait til you see my DISAPPEARING ACT!!'

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH---
I feel so dirty...
and i feel all the dirtier because I BROUGHT THIS UPON MYSELF!!!

Needless to say my "cocky' friend and his abnormally large 'member' have been blocked. I swear, if i heard any more about he and his stupid adult industry daydreams i was going to hunt him down and beat the shit out of him.
But...being that he is so full of shit that might take more time than I am willing to give him...

By popular demand...

And now, a word from our sponsor:

My Response:

**No actual leopards, children, nor WASPs, were harmed during the making of this post

I've gotta get off this Island

Ever wonder what John Locke from "Lost" would look like on a dating site? Well, wonder no more my Morbid followers--because his creepy and socially bizarro brother R____ contacted me this past summer.

Yes, i said 'summer'

I figured on this cold and snowy january day i would go back into my inbox and find a letter or two from last year. You see, these creeps are nothing 'new' to me...I just found a new way of sharing my horrors with the world. You're welcome.

Today's eligable bachelor comes to us courtesy of OkCupid! which is another popular (free) online dating site. Let's take a look and think warm thoughts as we travel back in time to
THE BOYS OF SUMMER!!!!

The Guilty: raymose

The Offense:
I was minding my own business this past summer...well...for the most part. I was hanging out with Gambit, the ferret of DOOM when a little digital birdie delivered the following e-mail to my me.

Subject: "R__ 5**424***3 WADING RIVER NOW SMTH POINT NUDE SUND"

Body: "r__ wading river my home liv free meet now zsunday smth point west beach i also hardbody i workout plant fitness riverhead tuesday nite rocky point tuesday nite hulse landing rd beach cool hang out r moses also tuesday very popular i single hetro 6ft wite skinhead 45 call i pic up 1 hour do call lov hello again"

My Response:
ermmmm.....i'm not even sure what he is trying to say there. He 'lives for free? He has a hard body? He's a 6ft tall member of the arian nation who wants to pick me up and has a tendency to repeat 'hello'?
And where does the "nude" come in?
and if you're so very popular then WHY DO YOU NEED A DATING SITE?!
...well...then again...i'm 'popular' and i can't find a date to save my life. I guess its just that whole 'standards' thing...tehee
Oh, ANDD you gave me your phone number in the SUBJECT LINE?! OMG, dude...stop already. this shit can't be real.

Like, for real, just reading that you have to wonder if i was just...spammed on a dating site? Only one way to know for sure...LET'S LOOK AT HIS PROFILE PAGE!

His Profile:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OMFGWTFSTFU!!!!

I wish i could show yout he EYES!!! my god...they are like..lazer beam tripped out windows into the soul of Mr Spock and John Wayne Gacy's illegitimate child.

And look at the right hand corner of the picture....is that... A HAND?! or is it a cameo from Gullum?

but really...the eyes...oh god....THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!! and that smile? wtf were you thinking?? oh, well, the only thing you could be thinking: how illogical it would be to LET ME LIVE!

*shudder*

The written part:

"i r__ a physical guru ocean tested and shielded lifegaurd shied old workout 5 days a week great attitude bycycle fish play bass a little and sing

i be strong good looking and friendly conversation i keep also positive trending those who dwell in the demeanor of others characters later i liv too help i libral medical study small cert "

Translation:

Ummm....i dont know..actually. It appears that he went to a site like freetranslations.com or something and typed in some random letter in his own language and then copy and pasted the 'translated' version onto the site. Or maybe he just REALLY sucks at this whole computer thing...but...he was smart enough to get ON a dating site...i would hope he'd be smart enough to sell himself on a dating site.

Alright, let's try to decipher some of this here...ummm. It appears he is a nice guy who wants to help everyone while riding his bike, playing the bass and singing...If he writes like he talks i would LOVE to hear him serenade me at some point....

But that 'medical' part at the very end bothers me. What exactly does that mean? He already has the makings of a serial killer...the medical part just raises him up to a 'jack the ripper status'.

Well, needless to say I was scared at the pictures, bad grammar and lack of info on his profile. Not to mention the fact that he is almost 20 years older than me and poses with john merrick's hand.

THE RESPONSE:

Honey, I ignored that shit.

i mean, really...even if it was a real creepy guy and not some weirdo dating-site spammer he's STILL A CREEP and i dont want anything to do with that nonsense. Besides, not answering gets the point across right?

Well, as we know from my past dating experiences that is NOT always the case...

SECOND OFFENSE

Subject: "r__ "5********3 wading river now smth pnt nude tues"

Body: "yes beach today smith point nude i r__ 6ft 200lb good looking hardbody skinhead biker 45 plnt fitnss wed nite 9pm r moses thrs - sat 2-7 lov too meet tonite 1030 my home beach there hulse landing rd beach call r__ lov"

My Response:

I seriously dont know what this guy's deal is. Is it a real guy? Is it a spammer? what's the purpose of spamming DATING SITES?!

I almost want to go to 'plant fitness' and sit in the corner with sunglasses on and watch to see if anyone fitting his description comes in...then i can have a nice exchange with him...

Me: You R__? Me L___....YOU CREEP

Him: ...i r__ 6ft 200lb......

Maybe he's just a robot. and I dont trust robots.

Anyway, what's a girl to do when she's getting hit on by robotic men with gimp hands and lazer beam eyes who can't type nor form complete logical sentences???

She blocks them.

**CLLIIICCCKKKKK**

needless to say that was the last I heard of Mr raymose thanks to this wonderful 'blocking' feature. However, i'm not going to lie...the sleuth and masochist in me kinda wants to take him off the 'blocked' list to see if i continue to get e-mails about nudes...beaches...and skinheads in the middle of winter.

Come to think of it......>=]

agony of DA FEET!

Hello my dear readers!

Its Thursday, the weekend is quickly approaching and with it the socially awkward will be pulling out all the stops to prove to the world once and for all that 'YES, WE CAN GET LAID'.
Like zombies to a brain-the lifeless of the online dating world get quite restless and are drawn to those that appear to be 'easy'...or hell...to those who HAVE A PULSE.

Today's e-mail is a well-written message from a young attractive suitor from Long Island. I dont know if i would call him a 'guido' perse...but...I have some other names that I would like to use...

THE GUILTY: jfd2010

THE OFFENSE:
Writing and actually sending a complete stranger this email:

Subject: Hi doll

Body "u look so hott with fishnets.. got anymore foot pics?? j__ btw"

My Response:
OH sure!! J__ is it? yeah, j__, i'm just going to go into my file here labeled 'foot fetish for joe' and send you some 'more' pictures of my feet...in fishnets and heels...

**CREEPER ALERT!!**

Jesus tapdancing Christ....I had to actually go to my profile page to see what the hell kinda pictures i had on there...lo and behold...there WERE NO FOOT PICTURES!

 While i was at it (looking at profiles I mean) i took a quick gander at his...and this is what i found:
"About Me:
 luvv life, enjoy manhattan, being athletic, being healthy, enjoy reading, n sexy women......ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppplllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

 What...the fuck...is that...
I looked around his page some more and i noticed that he is also part of that ongoing trend of posting "Athletic" body type when they are actually OVERWEIGHT. You're 250lbs...thats not muscle and you're not big boned...i'm willing to bet it had something to do with those nachos belle grande you had last night at midnite...and the Big Gulp of coke you had with that...oh, and those taquitos...but you'll have your super protein shake smoothie thing for breakfast...that is what healthy badass BUFF guys do.

And you're training for the WWE

oh, and he wrote that he likes "women in bikinis and skirts"

FUnny, he didn't mention anything about FEET!

WTF...did he like..blow up my picture on photoshop and jerk off to my feet?
Maybe that's why his letter was so short...i guess its hard to type with a sticky keyboard and a shoe on your head...
But seriously guy, at least let me *think* that you are somewhat normal on your first contact. Don't just be some douche who is like 'i have a foot fetish...give me feet pictures so i can...admire them'.

OOHHHH NOOOO HONEY

Let me tell you something.
I have nothing against you jerking off to random (not my) body parts...I have nothing against a harmless fetish.

I am against YOU getting your kinky jollies from me FOR FREE.
not to mention then HAVING THE AUDACITY TO ASK FOR MORE. 

MY RESPONSE TO HIS DOUCHEBAGGERY:

That, sir, offends me...if you want porn and...feet...for free i suggest this fantastic site: Google. You can type in WHATEVER YOU WANT and something will show up...

see, I typed in "foot disease human" and I picked out this for you:

                                     (and yes, i mailed that to him as a response to his request)
Regards.