The (not-so) Beautiful People

Ladies and Gentlemen...members of the jury...I will admit to being a goth girl for most of my young adult/adult life. I have always felt that goth girls are hot...goth BOYS on the other hand...well...they can go either way.

Granted, i no longer have jet black/blue/multi-colored hair but my love of the dead is still there...and evidently so is my ability to call forth those who have no life.

THE GUILTY: IceFreak3

The Offense: here is another case of 'maybe if i keep writing she will come'...but the Dungeons and Dragons version.

I'm not going to lie...at first glance i thought it was some sort of joke after all...NO ONE would actually post this shit...right? Let's take a look into the life of...the IceFreak3...and let's try our best to not totally poke our eyes out thanks to this fantastic example of grammar and punctuation gone wrong.

First Message: "Should I ask? or just guess? I like your music and yes, NO RAP to me either, well you looks are more than good , your style is sexaay, and for once i would like to NOT see this on a girls profile but "Must not be looking for an intimate encounter" so back to the adult industry now that part confuses me? Well I'm not Jabba the HUT PHAHAHAHhahaha as you can see, I'm Shawn by the way, I'd kiss your hand but I'm not sure if you would smack me or not yet, but if you want to S&M, hang me by the ceiling by my feet and tickly me with a feather or whatever then go for it because I love to see even BAD girls smile ;) Hope to hear from ya babe:). 3"

My Response:

This letter offends me.

First of all, there are lots of things that i would like to do to him...most of them, however, have to deal with the removal of genitalia to ensure lack of procreation. "hang me by the ceiling by my feet and tickly me with a feather"? WTF? Even after my loose mental translation i have to say: If THAT'S your idea of S&M then you need to go back to the world of Danger Mouse where stuff like that was considered torture.

I still dont know what his 'intimate encounter' statement means...and i will never know...because i didn't respond.

I mean, you're a sad little goth boy right? Now you can go sit in the dark and cut yourself and cry because, yet again, your Diana has shunned you...or not.

Maybe this woman is playing hard to get...maybe i should tell her all the attractive qualities I embrace...

Second Message:

(headline) "More info for ya babe"

**sidenote**yes, because what i was waiting for was MORE INFO into your pathetic life, but please, contine

(Body) "[smiles] Hi, I'm Shawn, I have my own car, no job, 30 years old, I sleep in a bunkbed, and i live with my mother. How about you? Do you want to go and get coffee some time?

...and yes, i'm the most honest guy you'll EVER meet, and possibly the weirdest :P"

My Response:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*cough* HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHHAHAHHA HAAAAHAAAAA

excuse me...yes...that was honest...very honest...and my god, thanks for the good laugh. I can't decide what is more pathetic..the fact that he mentioned that he 'has his own car' or that he 'sleeps in a bunk bed' at 30. I understand living with your parents...the job market is rough...but this douchebag, i'm sorry...he makes me want to give him a brillow scrubdown and then rinse him off in rubbing alchohol.

*sigh* I suppose we should take a look at his page, huh? Let's see what details i could have missed regarding my 30 yr old suitor.

"About Me: My name is Shawn. I can be VERY artistic and creative. I am nice, but dont have too many chances to ever prove it. I'm HUGE on photography, I like to do it as a hobby, I draw as well, but I always focus on the 1 hobby until my work is perfected. The reason why my appearance was chosen, I simply wanted to take the path of life that most wouldnt dare to ever take, I always felt the more I go all the way the more i can say "I existed" or at least "I tried" to make a difference int he world. If I ever believe I do or not, doesnt mean i need to do it alone forever?"

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEEEAAANNNNN???

Well, it would appear that he is very proud of the fact that his name is "shawn''...alright...as for the rest of his drivel...WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MEAN? he's 'HUGE' on photography but does it as a hobby. Does anyone else see something bizarro about this? "the reason why my appearance was chosen...make a difference in the world".

Wait, what?
So you chose to look like a freak to make the world a better place? Errrmmmmm....I guess you're right...You aren't getting laid and your spawn isn't being produced.

Now, I'm not going to lie...i kinda felt bad for the guy. He poured his pathetic little black heart out to me so i felt that i needed to at least tell him SOMETHING...this was my response.

MY FIRST WRITTEN RESPONSE ON POF.COM

"Hi Shawn,

I appreciate your honesty but I dont think you are what i'm looking for at the moment. Good luck in your search.

Regards"

I thought that would shut him up. it was cold...to the point...and there should be NO MORE COMMUNICATION between us...unless he wanted to write me a poem using only 12-sided di and blood.

time to whip out that blood...

THIRD MESSAGE

"[kisses your hand] How can you be so sure? We didn't even talk yet? Should i TRY to be a liar? a cheater? a player? Well, the next guy you date, If he ends up lieing to you and you dump coffee on his head, PLEASE reconsider giving me a chance, a beautiful woman like you to step out of my life is MORE than depressing :("

My Response

[saws off hand]

UNCLEAAANNN!!! argh!!! How can someone i dont even KNOW make me feel so TAINTED?!?! Yech....what part of 'you're a creepy Hot Topic wearing loser who is no where close to my league' DONT YOU UNDERSTAND? And i will pay anyone any amout of money to find this guy and remove the 'comma' key from his computer. He needs to learn when to use that and when to start a new sentence.

This desperate plea to 'keep me in his life' didn't deserve an actual written response. The fact that he said 'woman like you to step out of my life...' bothered me...considering i never even stepped IN.

There wasn't even any 'stepping' involved...only a swift 'WOOSH' as i ran away from whatever nutty nonsense he had to offer.