IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

BABY JESUS HAS SMILED HIS TOOTHLESS GRIN UPON US!

Ladies and Gentlemen...On behalf of all of us here at Morbid Memoirs I would like to thank you for praying to the sadistic god of your choice because our boy from the previous thread, Mr Ex-Military stalkerboy, is back.

THIS TIME with a shorter, more pathetic e-mail AND a *NEW AND IMPROVED* profile!  Let's take a look.

THE GUILTY: RJSinger....again

THE OFFENSE:
FOUR BACK-TO-BACK E-MAILS WITHOUT ANY RESPONSE FROM ME

Date: 11/5/11
Time: 2:31am (approx 2 days and 11 hours from the last e-mail he wrote that i didn't respond to)

Subject: Hi
Body: "So I take it you lost interest?"

MY RESPONSE:
YES!
I wonder what part made him think that i was no longer 'interested'. Was it my lack of communication? Or maybe the absense of any and all efforts on my behalf to engage in a conversation on the slightest magnitude...
Basically the only 'interest' that was shown to him was before i got to know anything about him. So...I guess...
Yes, Mr Man...I was slightly 'interested'...and then you told me about yourself.

TRANSLATION:
FIND ANOTHER GIRL TO SEND STALKER E-MAILS TO.

however, my spider sense is telling me that this won't be the last we hear of Singer...no...something tells me there has tobe AT LEAST one more message from him in the post.

But, while we're still on this subject...I would like to point out that our boy took a step in the BIG BOY direction...he UPDATED HIS PROFILE!

As you may recall his last "about me" section was nothing more than a drawn out "hah"...because Ladies Love that shit...so mature and informative.

THE NEW AND IMPROVED PROFILE
"About Me: I guess I should share some info. I am a veteran. I love my country and served for my freedom. I am very laid back. Life is too short to not be. Some things I do... I write, I read,  I surf, I enjoy being outside with Mother Nature. I take care of my body. I am an artist and a music lover; they both influence my life. Some things I don't do... I don't find the need to be in a bar every night, or that much in general. Don't get me wrong I enjoy a good live band and a glass of fine whiskey from time to time, but I desire more out of life than being "THAT GUY". I don't do clubs, just not my thing. If you are my girl and I want to make you happy, then exceptions can always be made. I don't wear trendy clothing. I enjoy t-shirts and jeans unless I need to clean up for the night. I don't fake bake. I don't wax any part of my body. Don't get me wrong, I manscape... but I AM A MAN. I don't litter, nor do I tolerate it. This world was here before us and is far more powerful... respect it. I am not here to get laid or hook up or whatever the rest of these idiot Long Island Guidos are doing... I AM NOT THE NORM. I am attractive and cultured enough to get laid without needing a website. I am looking for someone I can make some good memories with. Someone that I can write for days about. I don't need other's drama in my life, so please leave it where it belongs... IN YOUR PAST. OHHH and one more thing... I am more than 30% covered in beautiful ink... leg sleeved from hip to toes, arm sleeved from shoulder to wrist, ribs done (well, still working on it), other shoulder done....and a few more. IF YOU DONT LIKE TATTOOS, MOVE ON... it isn't going to work"

 

My Response:
This is what i'm talking about....if i would have read this when he FIRST contacted me it would have gone a little something like this:

FIRST OFFENSE:
Too Preachy...this whole 'i love my country" and 'i love the earth' 'i am a man' wah wah wah...i feel like i'm being scolded for something I didn't do. I mean, i'm not going to lie...i feel like he's about to shove my nose in a big pile of dog doo....

SECOND OFFENSE:
"...manscape..."
Did he SERIOUSLY just use that in his profile...?
[looks again]
yes...yes he did. Okay, I like my men shaved.
 I dont like big hairy Wookies of men and their funny looking dicks that appear to 'sprout' forth from the groin. *shudder*
 Hey you 'MAN' DO YOU LIKE PULLING HAIR OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? NO! Well, I dont either. There is nothing sexy about trying to get that annoyhing hair out of your mouth mid-action....or the feeling that youjust can't get the fucker because its tickling your throat and you're trying to pretend like you are totally into nothing but the sex but YOU'RE FIXATED ON THIS GROSS PUBE STUCK IN YOUR MOUTH...GAGGING...REFLEX...TAKES...HOLD...
In short: fuck you and that tank you rode in on and have a little consideration for your partner--SHAVE THAT SHIT.
**this has been a message from your local chapter of the hairless beaver and balls organization.

THIRD OFFENSE:
Yes, i have tattoos and piercings but here comes the BIG CATCH: I dont like guys with multiple tattoos. Every once in a while I will come across a guy that, for one reason or another, i find attractive regardless of his amounts of modification. The fact that this guy is very 'roar roar roar TATTOOS' leads me to believe that he is one of those annoying guys who are like 'oh hey...do I OFFEND YOU? I mean...I have...TATTOOS?! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!! ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME!!!'
Come on, you know you can totally see that crazy angsty side coming out...(see previous post for more examples of this guy's angst).

THE ULTIMATE FAIL

OBSESSION

I had to add a new category for this douche. I mean, MAYYYBBBBEEEE I could see giving him a shot if he was at least sweet and relaxed. BUT NO! he fucking lived on that inbox and was refreshing it like a fiend. DUDE, ENOUGH ALREADY!

Let this be a lesson to you Mr Singer: If the lady you are chasing appears to 'fall off the face of the earth'...you've been e-dumped.

It's cruel and yes, it can hurt...but you can pick of the pieces and try not to think of what went wrong and what 'could have been'. Just think about you...and how you need to lessen your axe-murderlike qualities.

Baby Jesus is going back to sleep now.

V-Bomb's AWAYYYYYYY!

Today's special little boy comes from the magical land of Long Island...and he's not a guido!

As many of you know, I live in said 'special' land and am anything less than thrilled with the pickens out here hence WHY I'M ON DATING SITES. THough i can't say its really helped my plight at all (considering I either get hit on by C.H.U.D.S. or Guidos on said dating sites...and i'm still single).

The Guilty: r.j.singer

The Offense: okay, first off, can we scroll to the top of the page and just look at the picture real quick? He's not bad, right? I mean, he's not GQ but he's more or less like a younger less tattooed version of Sully from Godsmack. That's a plus in my book...not a BIG plus...but a 'plus' nonetheless.

Anyway, it was a cold winter's day whenI opened my Dating site mail crap and saw that i had 8 new messages...most from douchebags...and one from mr RJSinger.

DATE: 1/2/11
TIME: 11:57 am

I clicked on his e-mail and it simply read:
Whats up? care to chat more?

Hmmmm....well, i really didn't feel like chatting at all so i figured it woud be better just to do some research on this guy and then make a decision as to whether or not he warrants a response.

it appears RJSinger is 29 years old (which is my age) and he only completed 'some' college...but does somehting in business...im not quite sure what that means...maybe we should look for an explaination further on

"About Me:hhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!"

WTF? How do you expect a grown woman to contact you if you dont talk about yourself AT ALL. That is what most of these assholes don't understand. If you are serious about finding someone you don't write stupid shit like 'haaa' or 'i am a banana' ....oh wait... I think Darwin said something to the point of "No date=No sex=No procreation=removal of the species"

Nevermind.

I WAS going to just write it off as just another drivel e-mail from another drivel specimen...but no, I really wanted to know what this guy did. I think its time to send him an e-mail.

My Response:

DATE: 1/2/11

TIME: 12:06pm

"that depends.

maybe if you actually told a little bit about yourself and what you do rather than a drawn out 'hah' i will decide.

Regards"

ooooooohhhh, ouch. BURN!

I figured he would get that and be like 'what a stupid bitch....what nerve...telling me my profile wasn't the best literary accomplishment of the 21st century! PSHAW!'

But, as with all things involving dating, I was wrong.

SECOND RESPONSE:

DATE: 1/2/11

TIME: 12:09pm (THREE MINUTES AFTER I SENT THE LAST E-MAIL)

"touche L__. I am 29, a veteran of our country and currently studying journalism. I am well invested in beautiful tattoos. I love surfing, mother nature and animals. I tend to be very laid back. I don't smoke butts but I do burn a little green. Hey, I am who I am lol. I am an artist amongst other things. How is that for starters?"

My Response

alright guys--i would like to point out that I am a fan of our soldiers.

Really, i was going to be one myself....hell, both my parents and countless other members of my (dad's side) of the family served in the military during wars and whatnot.

FIRST OFFENSE

"...a veteran of our country..."

you couldn't just say "I just got out of and i'm going back to school?" NOOOOo you had to pull the actual 'i am a VETERAN' bullshit in an attempt to GUILT a girl into going on a date.

You guys can tell me im wrong or Im crazy all I want but i'm telling you right now: this was his goal. Its just like when i was in undergrad and I had a friend who was like '...i'm leaving for the military tomorrow...let's get together tonight and watch a movie"

Then, twenty minutes of awkward into the movie later he's got the bedroom eyes and hes trying to snuggle and flex his big manly muscles and im like dude, i never wanted to sleep with you before....you leaving ISN'T going to make me drop my pants for you now.

THAT'S WHAT THIS GUY WAS TRYING TO DO

(in case you're wondering nothing happened between us...he didn't even get a kiss. I'm a bitch like that)

Like i said, I love my solider boys (and girls) but don't start dropping the 'VET' status in an attempt to get laid or I will take you to the local Vet's hospital and let those guys tell you stories...

SECOND OFFENSE

"...(I) burn a little green..."

uuuggghhhhhh.

UNLESS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MONEY...

I despise any and all kinds of drug use in regards to my significant others. Unless you are a rock star or a broker leave the drugs at the door.

Yes, he was honest...but of the kind of stuff that makes me go 'uh uh'....hell, my profile says "MUST NOT DO DRUGS".

oh...but i know "pot isn't a DRUG...its a PLANT"

just stop...alright...it smells bad and it's illegal and those are two things that I can do without.

SECOND AND A HALF OFFENSE

its all in the way he said it....the 'burning green' nonsense. You couldn't just say "i smoke pot"...nope...you had to try to be cool and slick.

Hell, I can hear it play out in my head...

"yeah but uh...i dont smoke...CIGARETTES *wink wink*"

are we in high school? Maybe your name should be "RJSinger420"...damn that's cool.

Judging by the "I am who I am" comment I would say he is still going through his angsty years. Well, that or he thinks he's Popeye.

THIRD OFFENSE

"...Studying journalism"

"well invested...TATTOOS"

"surfing...laid back...ARTIST"

Translation:

BROKE/NO CAREER/NO PROSPECTS

He tried to hide it...but, being that im pretty much an insane sociopath(much like everyone else on these sites)...i saw right through it.

Well, now I had a decision to make...I had to either actually WRITE a response or i could ignore him. Then i heard something inthe back of my head
"....veteran"

AHHHH!!! HIS EVIL TRICKERY HAS WORKED ON MY FRAGILE MIND!!

My Response:

DATE: 1/2/11

TIME: 12:49pm (approx 40 mins after receiving last message)

"well, props on the vet status. Both my parents were in the military during Vietnam.

Mother nature and animal loving is fantastical, however, i'm not keen on the pot use though."

That was it...no greetings...no closings...and i used the word 'keen'.

I'm definitely not just a bitch...i'm a JUNE CLEAVER BITCH.

I clicked "send" and in the top left hand side of my page I saw a bright green message saying '1 NEW MESSAGE!"

I was like 'oh boy, what great catch could have contacted me THIS TIME'

I clicked on the INBOX link and i saw it was from none other than our friend...MR RJSINGER

THE OFFENDING MESSAGE:

Date: 12/2/11

TIME: 12:37pm (approx 30 minutes after his last letter....BEFORE MY RESPONSE)

SUBJECT: Hi

Body: "boy you are terrible at responding ;)"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Not only another fucking 'WINKIE FACE' but its a fucking DESPERATE WINKIE FACE!! Buddy, dont you have anything better to do than to stalk my fucking profile adn refresh your inbox page? my god, man..some of us have LIVES.

*granted, at that point in time i wasn't really doing much with my life..but WHAT IF I WAS*

AND ANOTHER THING

What makes you think i was actually going to write your stupid ass back?

Oh...that's right....you dropped the "V-bomb"...DAMMIT

THIRD RESPONSE FROM JRSINGER

"No doubt but at least I'm honest...I'm not too big of a drinker and we all need our vise that escapes us from the day from time to time. How about we talk elsewhere, this e-mail isn't a favorite. do you have AIM? tat______2

MY RESPONSE

....

i'm noticing a trend here on this online dating nonsense. THe need to point out all your flaws as 'honesty' therefore proving them to be the PERFECT BOYFRIEND.

Dude, only becaue you can admit it DOESN'T MEAN it's alright.

I mean, i like to rub mayonaise all over myself before i skin homeless men using my sharpened spoon contraption. Yeah, I know you probably don't approve...but at least i'm honest...that means i will be a PERFECT GIRLFRIEND!

And you expect me to talk 'elsewhere'. OH, this place is too loud..let's go someplace quiet where we can get to know eachother...LIKE AIM. Dude, GTFOutta here....like i want your stupid ass haunting me when i'm on other websites or away and getting shit sent to my cellphone.

NO NO NO

TRANSLATION

D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E

obsessive

probably not alright 'in the head'

ex-military hippie...THE WORST KIND OF HIPPIE.

He probably listens to Pfish and Dave Matthews Band...blech!

immature

that's what i have deemed him after our brief online encounter.

My Response:

**crickets chirping**

FOURTH LETTER FROM JRSINGER

Date: 1/2/11

TIME: 7:52 pm (approx 7 hours from his last e-mail following my lack of response)

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Hi

Body: "L___, you always have trouble responding. lol"

DUDE, LET IT GO!

i ain't writing you back.

I haven't given you anything that could even remotely be translated as 'golly gee boy, i'm interested in this one'

STOP STALKING MY PAGE AND REREADING MY (lack of ) E-MAILS!!

And, i swear to god if you've been jerking off to my pics I hope your dick falls off and that cat (located in the picture) eats it.

My Response:

**squeaking ferret toy**

FIFTH MESSAGE FROM RJSINGER

Date: 1/3/11
Time: 3:24pm

Subject: Hi

Body: "So you don't talk much huh? That's a shame"

MY (hopefully final) RESPONSE

HA HA HA HA HA HO HO HO HO

Oh no, dear Mr RJSinger.

I think you need to read between the lines, you see, I talk QUITE A BIT....but only to people I like.

I WRITE, however, quite often...and mostly about people i severely dislike.

Congrats though, you made it in one of the two categories. Now, why don't you back off and leave me alone because the next time you hear from me it WON'T be a friendly e-mail.

Though I know all you Sadists here at Morbid Memoirs are crossing your fingers for another pathetic e-mail from this creature...

Hey, its technically still the Christmas season...Baby Jesus might smile upon us yet!

a Bad (phone) Romance

WHERE O WHERE DO I BEGIN WITH THIS ONE?!

The Guilty: DontWaitToSayHi

Okay, I'm going to admit. I thought he was kinda cute. He had this pompus way about him...and the way he resembled Tommy Lee was kinda adorable and he was 27 and his profile looked unsuspicious...and he messaged me first.

There was a brief passing of words back and forth which were a bit too boring to post on here...which is one of the main reasons why i was like 'oh thank god, a charismatic NORMAL person who is not DESPERATE about getting into a relationship.'

He asked for my facebook and, after a brief hesitation, i gave it to him (after all, if things go REALLY bad i can always delete him)...besides, i'm not going to lie...I kinda wanted to facebook stalk him too and see what he REALLY looked like...you know...find all those unflattering, untouched CANDID shots and be like 'AH HA!!! YOU ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE DAVID LEE ROTH!'

To my surprise, however, he had NO CANDID SHOTS...which is always a little disconcerning. Granted, he was a photographer (at least he 'claimed' to be) so it would only natural for him to have nice pictures of himself...but no pictures out of studio whatsoever? It made my spider sense tingle in a way that only that ill-fated stuntman from the Broadway Musical could have felt moments before crashing into the audience.

yup...something ain't right.

At first he didn't say anything in regards to my fb page, so the insecure little girl in me was like 'oh, shucks...i scared off another one with my funny pictures and not-so-flattering comments'.

but instead we have

THE FIRST OFFENSE:

Finally, after many nerve racking moments of silence he IMs me:

"You are very kissable"

OH COME ON! you arne't going to comment about my wit? or my sarcasm...anything...my taste in books, movies, music, my career or my 'wife'? NOOOooo...you're going to write that.

*STRIKE ONE-THE PIECE OF MEAT FEELING.

Alright, I have been known to fly off the handle over little things...this could very well be one of those little things. I should just let it slide...so i wrote back, "lol, gee thanks".

online dating101-when found in an awkward situation where you can't seem to find an easy way out of BUT YOU WANT TO CONTINUE a convo...just say 'lol' or 'hahaha'...just because.

he writes back:

"I would like to make out with you. What about me, do you want to make out with me?"

OH COME ON!!! This had to be a joke. This had to be some asshole like me sitting behind a computer going 'teeheehee...i'm going to get this person going and see what happens'

I didn't respond to that...i was hoping that he would think of something else to say...i mean, he had to think of something else, right? Not that i was really fixated THAT much on it. I mean, this whole time i was in the midst of writing what is now 'MORBID MEMOIRS' *trumpet fanfare*

He writes "I would like to talk to you"

I say "umm...we are talking"

He writes "No...i would like to TALK with you. I dont like chatting on the computer. I find it irritating and a waste of time''

Well, I now have a choice...i can either continue writing my blog and listening to the Smiths or i can STOP EVERYTHING and talk to this guy i just met on the computer.

BLOG AND SMITHS IT IS

So I tell him "Well, we can 'talk' just not now...i'm busy at the moment."

He says, "I'll wait. We can talk when you're done"

...I feel like i'm about to get raped...over the computer

I tell him "well, I'm kinda in the middle of writing this blog of all the creepers and weirdos that i have found on online dating sites. I figure people need to know what kind of shit goes on out there."

I figured he would be like 'oh, that's pretty creepy/funny, tell me more about some of the funny things that you have encountered while doing online dating?"

He says, "Oh. I see. So you would rather waste time making lists of people who are creeps than spending time productively talking to someone who would be good for you. I'm not wasting my time playing games if you are not going to take this seriously."

whoa whoa whoa....OKAY, spider sense...tingling....something...not right....

He says, "I'll talk to you when you're done"

I type, "Well, i suggest you lean how to multitask on the computer because i'm busy and i have other conversations open right now."

He backs off for a while.

I'm sitting there thinking that maybe *I* am the sociopath. Maybe *I* am holding myself back from potential happiness because of my inability to adapt to what others want?

NAH

I finished writing my blogs and i layed down in bed with my computer next to me and the ferrets were like 'SLEEPY TIME' and they crawled up on my chest and passed out. What can i say, they are both boob men;)

And, like clockwork, my friend comes back on fb and sends me a smiley face.

Did i say 'clockwork'? i forgot to slip in the "orange' after that....

He says "are you done?''

I say "well, yeah, but its like...11:30 and i'm tired and I would really much rather talk on the computer tonight. I'll TALK to you tomorrow."

He says "Do you have skype?"

I say "no...but i dont have a mic"

He says "you dont need a mic...all laptops have mics built in. Now what's your excuse?'

I would like to take this point to mention that i dont like feeling like i'm being pressured into a situation..which was how i felt last night. For some reason he wouldn't back off and he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer...time to play the family card.

"look," i said, "im in a bad mood. I got back from my dad's house a little while ago after staying goodbye to my sister who is leaving for Montana tomorrow...i would much rather lay here with my ferrets and chill. Besides, my ferrets are comfy and I dont want to disturb their slumber."

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would want to wake up happily sleepy fuzzy babies? only terrorists....

CUE THE SECOND OFFENSE:

He says, "you've got to be kidding me. I dont know how i feel about you. You are sending me mixed signals and i dont like it'

I said, "Mixed signals? I dont want to talk tonight...we'll talk later, how is that a mixed signal"

He says, " You dont want to call, you would rather make lists of losers and creeps than talk to me and you dont want to wake up your PETS to download skype and have an actual CONVERSATION'

GAME OVER

These are not just 'pets' these little furry guys are my best fuzzy friends ever...and anyone who does not respect my ferrets will get NO RESPECT FROM ME.

Now i was pissed...and i was like 'fine'

so i wrote back "we'll talk tomorrow. I dont want to read anymore of your whiney IMs"

*click*

and i logged out.

I know what you're thinking.

"D, this guy is a douchebag...just let it go and find someone else to occupy your time with."

and i would agree with you...except that early on in our conversations he was mentioning that he had 'celebrity clients' that use facebook....and he was doing all these 'high profile' things...and i had to see what he was all about. You see, i know 'celebs' too...and I can play that game like a fucking pro.

THE NEXT DAY

I'm not going to lie. I was kinda dreading the evening phonecall. I didn't want to deal with him..and above all else...HOW DO YOU END A PHONE CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE YOU DONT KNOW?! Well, i fly by the seat of my pants with everything else, why not with this.

Around 7pm he comes on fb and he finds me and asks if i was free to chat. Now, i DID say that i would talk to him...and what if he really WAS worth my time. We could have been an awesome looking couple...except i would know that he was a douchebag.

Regardless, i gave him my number and told him i was ont he phone with my father and that he should wait to call for about 15 minutes.

**hey Shannon...i was actually talking to you**

He waits until about 7:45 to call me...here is a blogged reenactment of our conversation.

*two minutes to midnite plays* (that's my ringtone)

Me: Hello, this is L___

J: Hi, yeah, this is J___

Me: OH, yeah, hey. what's going on?

J: Nothing much...are you off the phone?

Me: Yeah, i'm just chillin here in my snuggie.

J: *Silence*

Me: Yeah, i have this totally awesome and cozy leopard print snuggie...i love it.

J: Everyone I know who has snuggies loves them. Maybe i could try yours?

Me: Sure. but it IS leopard...and red.

J: Oh, who's going to see it? (seductive voice)

Me: FACEBOOK!!! MWAHAHAHAAHAHA

J: *uneasy laughter* yeah..that's a real...that's some bell, book and candle laugh right there...

Me: Oh, i'm just teasing..anyway, so what's up?

J: Nothing Much, you know....so you do theatre?

Me: Yeah, I'm the Technical Director of a Theatre here on long island **explains what a TD does**

J: Oh yeah? type in ST_________Theatre.com that's my family's theatre.

Me: **types** DAMN! Is that an old opera house or something?

J: No, just an old theatre. yeah, my family owns that. What's your theatre?

Me: S__________.com...check it out. we have a lot of big shit coming in this season is going to be crazy

J:...hey...all these guys are going to your theatre? Nice. Can you do me a favor?

Me: ...okay?

J: Can you pass on my name and my card or something. See if any of them want headshots?

Me:......headshots?

J: Yeah....you know...im a photographer....

Me: Oh, I see...so...what do you do fulltime. You know, to pay the bills?

J:....i'm a photographer. WELL, you see, I quit my job as a bartender to do what i really wanted to do in life. Take pictures. You know? and i mean, sure I can look for other jobs and whatnot but...you know...things just don't FEEL right. its like...the universe is telling me i'm not following my dreams or something, you know? I mean, I want to be a photographer. Right now, you know, i'm trying to get my name out there..you know...get some more gigs.

Me: I saw yesterday you mentioned that you have some celebrity clients...who do you work with?

J: Well, i'm actually in talks to shoot this guy from Guns N Roses...but i mean, i know i should be all excited about it but..eh...hehe

Me: Oh, is it Slash? Because he's a family friend. He and Matt Pinnfield are good friends with my cousin C_____.

J:...are you kidding? you guys know SLASH?! No man, i'm shooting . can you do me a favor? can you tell your cousin to tell Slash to contact Lonn F___... i mean...it would mean the world to him. I mean, i could do it...you know...i can make a few phone calls but i mean, i'm not like that you know, i'm not like that.

Me: ....yeah...sure...

J: Yeah, you know, I'm just...I'm trying to get some gigs...you know? I mean, i'm making money but...but you know...its not much...

Me: well, yu could always get a job and you know, do photography on the weekends or whatnot while you build up your clients...

J: NO. Alright...NO...no....you..you just dont get it. You dont get it *sneer voice* You dont get it. Its an artist thing. you...i...I'm not having this conversation with you. We are not having this conversation. You dont understand.

Me:......well...alrighty then

J: but i mean...i'm doing some stuff with Dee Snider.

Me: Oh Dee? Yeah, i did some stuff with he and his family for Growing up Twisted. He's a great guy, i still chat with them and their producers...you know, he does a lot of stuff out here on the island

J: Yeah...I uh...I haven't really talked to him yet...i mean, i could pick up the phone and make a call to his publicist and whatnot but...nah, that's not my style, you know? I'll work some stuff out with him..you know? Like, my friends out here...they did some thing for him and like..that was the last time i saw

Me: Yeah....

J: yeah....i could make a phone call to any of these people...you know? but i dont'...

Me:...but your family owns a theatre, right? Im surprised you are not a thespian..since it seems like they would want to keep that in the family, you know?

J: what?

Me: Your family...they own a theatre....

J: OH yeah, that's my cousin's theatre. You know like...i shoot there and stuff but uh...i mean...its my cousins. I am always like 'you know, if you are looking for some extra help you know, i can work" and they are all like 'nah nah nah, we're good'..heh...

Me:.....

J: **insert clicking of keys in the background**

Me: umm...so exactly how is this better than talking on the computer? I mean, this is just awkward.

J: ...*condiscending laugh* are you kidding? are you for real? I mean, when you talk on the phone you can hear a person and find out what they are like and...the senses...the more...senses...you have ...the more senses that have access to...you know. Are you for real? i mean, right now...RIGHT NOW i have three computer screens in front of me. I'm doing photoshop on one and i'm networkingon the other and i can't be bothered with keeping up with some text thing. You know? i mean, if you want to talk to me TALK TO ME, dont sit there and text me shit from a computer. No, if you have a question for me in an e-mail that's fine...but more than one question...TALK. You...you get what i'm saying? i mean...you can't have a CONVERSATION on the computer. You can't do it.

Me:....well...i prefer talking to strangers and friends on the computer. I can multitask better like that...but I mean, to each his own and that's just me.

J: ARE YOU FOR REAL? THEN YOU ARE WRONG...heh heh..I will tell you righ tnow that you're wrong. I mean, I dont know what else to say. I mean, god, how can you think like that?

Me:...uh huh...well...um...*keys clicking in the background*

J:*keys clicking*....are you still there?

Me:.....yeah...um...i have to go work on this...light plot...

J: I'm teaching myself how to use this program. I would explain it to you but its not interesting unless you're interested in making your own websites.

Me: Yeahhh...well, you have a good one.

J: Yeah, talk to you soon!

*click*

AHHHHHHHHHH

OFFENSE OVERLOAD!!

what. a. douchebag.

I can really tell how great you are with all your 'celebrity' clients. Not to mention asking me, someone you dont know, to pass out cards and info about headshots to established celebs AT MY FUCKING THEATRE?! You must be out of your mind!!
Well, yes, judging by the way the conversation went (and the fact that your own family won't give you a job at their theatre) I think I am in the right to say 'yessir, you are out of your mind."

The first thing I did as i hung up the phone was go to fb and delete him. Jesus tapdancing christ...i dont want him anywhere near my shit...i dont even want him to gaze upon the images of my ferret children. what a CREEP

Then i saved his number in my phone under the guise "Douchy J___"

There is one advantage that J____has over the other unfortunate specimens on this site: He knows this site exists.

If he was smart (or a masochist) he would have saved the address during those 24 hours that we were fb friends to see if he made my list the following our conversation. In some strange way i'm hoping for some hate mail...which, of course, i would then publish on my blog for all of us to revel in.

No...no Mr J_____ I guess I just dont get it. But congrats!! Because there is one thing you got: YOUR VERY OWN ENTRY ON MY BLOG!! there's that little bit of fame you were hoping for.

you're welcome.

The (not-so) Beautiful People

Ladies and Gentlemen...members of the jury...I will admit to being a goth girl for most of my young adult/adult life. I have always felt that goth girls are hot...goth BOYS on the other hand...well...they can go either way.

Granted, i no longer have jet black/blue/multi-colored hair but my love of the dead is still there...and evidently so is my ability to call forth those who have no life.

THE GUILTY: IceFreak3

The Offense: here is another case of 'maybe if i keep writing she will come'...but the Dungeons and Dragons version.

I'm not going to lie...at first glance i thought it was some sort of joke after all...NO ONE would actually post this shit...right? Let's take a look into the life of...the IceFreak3...and let's try our best to not totally poke our eyes out thanks to this fantastic example of grammar and punctuation gone wrong.

First Message: "Should I ask? or just guess? I like your music and yes, NO RAP to me either, well you looks are more than good , your style is sexaay, and for once i would like to NOT see this on a girls profile but "Must not be looking for an intimate encounter" so back to the adult industry now that part confuses me? Well I'm not Jabba the HUT PHAHAHAHhahaha as you can see, I'm Shawn by the way, I'd kiss your hand but I'm not sure if you would smack me or not yet, but if you want to S&M, hang me by the ceiling by my feet and tickly me with a feather or whatever then go for it because I love to see even BAD girls smile ;) Hope to hear from ya babe:). 3"

My Response:

This letter offends me.

First of all, there are lots of things that i would like to do to him...most of them, however, have to deal with the removal of genitalia to ensure lack of procreation. "hang me by the ceiling by my feet and tickly me with a feather"? WTF? Even after my loose mental translation i have to say: If THAT'S your idea of S&M then you need to go back to the world of Danger Mouse where stuff like that was considered torture.

I still dont know what his 'intimate encounter' statement means...and i will never know...because i didn't respond.

I mean, you're a sad little goth boy right? Now you can go sit in the dark and cut yourself and cry because, yet again, your Diana has shunned you...or not.

Maybe this woman is playing hard to get...maybe i should tell her all the attractive qualities I embrace...

Second Message:

(headline) "More info for ya babe"

**sidenote**yes, because what i was waiting for was MORE INFO into your pathetic life, but please, contine

(Body) "[smiles] Hi, I'm Shawn, I have my own car, no job, 30 years old, I sleep in a bunkbed, and i live with my mother. How about you? Do you want to go and get coffee some time?

...and yes, i'm the most honest guy you'll EVER meet, and possibly the weirdest :P"

My Response:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*cough* HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHHAHAHHA HAAAAHAAAAA

excuse me...yes...that was honest...very honest...and my god, thanks for the good laugh. I can't decide what is more pathetic..the fact that he mentioned that he 'has his own car' or that he 'sleeps in a bunk bed' at 30. I understand living with your parents...the job market is rough...but this douchebag, i'm sorry...he makes me want to give him a brillow scrubdown and then rinse him off in rubbing alchohol.

*sigh* I suppose we should take a look at his page, huh? Let's see what details i could have missed regarding my 30 yr old suitor.

"About Me: My name is Shawn. I can be VERY artistic and creative. I am nice, but dont have too many chances to ever prove it. I'm HUGE on photography, I like to do it as a hobby, I draw as well, but I always focus on the 1 hobby until my work is perfected. The reason why my appearance was chosen, I simply wanted to take the path of life that most wouldnt dare to ever take, I always felt the more I go all the way the more i can say "I existed" or at least "I tried" to make a difference int he world. If I ever believe I do or not, doesnt mean i need to do it alone forever?"

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEEEAAANNNNN???

Well, it would appear that he is very proud of the fact that his name is "shawn''...alright...as for the rest of his drivel...WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MEAN? he's 'HUGE' on photography but does it as a hobby. Does anyone else see something bizarro about this? "the reason why my appearance was chosen...make a difference in the world".

Wait, what?
So you chose to look like a freak to make the world a better place? Errrmmmmm....I guess you're right...You aren't getting laid and your spawn isn't being produced.

Now, I'm not going to lie...i kinda felt bad for the guy. He poured his pathetic little black heart out to me so i felt that i needed to at least tell him SOMETHING...this was my response.

MY FIRST WRITTEN RESPONSE ON POF.COM

"Hi Shawn,

I appreciate your honesty but I dont think you are what i'm looking for at the moment. Good luck in your search.

Regards"

I thought that would shut him up. it was cold...to the point...and there should be NO MORE COMMUNICATION between us...unless he wanted to write me a poem using only 12-sided di and blood.

time to whip out that blood...

THIRD MESSAGE

"[kisses your hand] How can you be so sure? We didn't even talk yet? Should i TRY to be a liar? a cheater? a player? Well, the next guy you date, If he ends up lieing to you and you dump coffee on his head, PLEASE reconsider giving me a chance, a beautiful woman like you to step out of my life is MORE than depressing :("

My Response

[saws off hand]

UNCLEAAANNN!!! argh!!! How can someone i dont even KNOW make me feel so TAINTED?!?! Yech....what part of 'you're a creepy Hot Topic wearing loser who is no where close to my league' DONT YOU UNDERSTAND? And i will pay anyone any amout of money to find this guy and remove the 'comma' key from his computer. He needs to learn when to use that and when to start a new sentence.

This desperate plea to 'keep me in his life' didn't deserve an actual written response. The fact that he said 'woman like you to step out of my life...' bothered me...considering i never even stepped IN.

There wasn't even any 'stepping' involved...only a swift 'WOOSH' as i ran away from whatever nutty nonsense he had to offer.

It's definitely a Monday

Good Morning my fellow train wreck gawkers!

Yes, it's the first Monday of the new year and that spells "WORK" for the lowly likes such as myself.

Not to have this small inconvience maim my day I did my usual round of online checking:

1. facebook

2. my various e-mails

3. DATING SITES

I know, you're probably saying "Oh jeez...you're such a bitch. You just made your online profiles to make fun of poor lonely people. You bitch."

and i would like to point out that, where it may seem like that at times, it is most def not true. I am merely exploiting the assholes. If a guy just wanted to send a friendly message (and there are guys like that out there) i am nice in turning them down...or talking to them further...depending on the guy.

These assholes, like this morning's catch, deserve to be nailed to Post Office walls as means of warning the general public of their existance.

The Guitly: Mikedee33

The Offense:

Maybe his name REALLY IS 'Michael D...somethingsomething' but I'm sorry, when i hear that all i can think of are my younger days of listening to the Beastie Boys and hearing a whiney Brooklyn voice spit out "...yo', I'm Mike D I got alll the fly juice....". Which I never found attractive...not even when I thought I was badass.

This guy is a real treat for you guys; I'm glad i waited to post about him. You see, this is not the first time he has contacted me...no....I think this is the FOURTH TIME.

Let's take a walk back on memory lane and see what Mr Mikedee33 has to offer us, shall we?

FIRST OFFENSE:

DATE: 12/30/10

Message: "We need to hang out!"

REACTION:

I reacted in my fashion...by ignoring the perps and hoping that he will get the message and bugger off.

SECOND OFFENSE:

DATE: 12/30/10

Message: 'C'mon---we need to hang out ;)"

REACTION:

WINKY FACE?! A MOTHER FUCKING WINKY FACE?!

no. you are not my friend...we are not play talking or trying to be cute and whatnot...YOU DO NOT SENT ME A GODDAMN WINKY FACE!

Not to mention it was the same message as before. As if I was going to look at it and be like "ohhh...well, now he's using words like "C'mon" and he did end it with a ";)"...okay, "uncle" i will hang out with you.

NO! i'm still ignoring your stupid ass...as a matter of fact...let's take a look at his profile.

He's a 37 year old male from Long Island who has children...is divorced

"About Me: Myself....I dont really talk about myself too much so this is new to me. So I will give you all the info you would like to know but still leave a little to the imagination so we have somethign to talk about when we first meet.

I'm a little sarcastic and have a corny sense of humor

I am divorced after 13 years (we fought a lot and i decided it was time to move on)

I have two kids that live with me every other week (they are 9 and 11)

I'm not a 'playa'

I own a house that I built myself

I look handsome in a suit

I have never been to prison.

My favorite color is green.

My favorite number is 33

I drive an ugly car but have hot motorcycles

I dont like bad teeth or girls who lie about their age and body types

I'm fairly sane

I grew up in a mostly italian household...but my mom is Irish-German so I eat corned beef and not just lasagne

I have a bunch of tattoos from my "badass days" (no my wife's name is not tattooed on me but my kids' names are tattooed to my chest)

I do like to dress nice and go out dancing and have a good time.

I am HONEST, sincere, passionate and emotionally needy.

I dont like to sleep alone

I give a great massage

I have nice eyes"

OH

MAH

GAWD

Stop...just stop! I don't like to talk about myself either but did i mention I'm also a Chinese fighter pilot? Really dude, what girl would look at that and go "okay...crappy car....tattoos of kids...emotionally needy, doesn't like to sleep alone..give a great massage....OMG! I'LL BET HE'S A GOOD LISTENER AND CAN BE A SHOULDER TO CRY ON AND LOVES TO CUDDLE AND IS A SUCKER FOR A TEAR JERKER! This one is mine."

Well, if that girl is out there I suggest she either seek therapy or talk to me...which sometimes warrents seeing therapy later in life. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Alright alright...back on topic. So we have this guy who is wearing a cut-off reeses peanut butter cup t-shirt in his main profile picture and he sounds pretty desperate. I should leave him alone and he will get the hint and will move on to some other lucky lady, right?

WRONG

THIRD OFFENSE:

Date: 12/31/10

So he waited until the next day (which is new year's eve) to write me again...because i clearly didn't get the message the first two times.

Message: Subject Line "We could have a lot of fun together!!!"

Body "why not meet? I definately see a potential for some good times even if we just wind up as friends. We have a bunch o stuff in common and your beautiful"

REACTION:

My first reaction is "god dammit man, leave me alone"...the next obvious reaction for me is 'MY GOD MAN....IN YOUR LIST OF GOOD THINGS YOU SAID YOU'RE REALLY SMART BUT YOU CAN'T SPELL WORTH A SHIT!' And obviously because love is one sided and he 'sees' the potential for some 'good times' then i should def give him a shot...i mean, we like the same music and like...i like stuff and he likes stuff...oh yeah...and i'm 'beautiful'

OH GOSH! a man told me I was beautiful? Let me just drop my drawers right now...boy, he sure knows how to talk to a girl.

DUDE...NO RESPONSE...FUCK OFF!

And for a few days it was actually quiet (from him). Maybe...just maybe i had managed to get through to his thick meathead skull that this chick ain't interested. especially since on my page i mentioned that i dont want kids nor guys who are older than 35...and that i'm PROBABLY NOT GOING TO RESPOND.

FOURTH AND (seemingly) FINAL OFFENSE:

Date: 1/2/11

Message: (heading) "come on...don't make me beg! LOL"

Body: "I ve send you a couple of emails with no response...I'm trying again because i know we could have so much fun together!! Just give me a a chance. Mike"

RESPONSE:

D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E

DUUUDDDEEEEEEEEE......the definition of insanity is repeating the same process in the hopes of receiving a different outcome. or something like that....

YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS! I feel bad for not only your ex but your kids, your future exes and everyone else you look at on a daily basis...oh yeah, ladies...he works on the lirr. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU GO TO THE CITY BEWAREEEEEEEEEE.

Will he write back?? Will he take the hint??? SHOULD I WRITE HIM AND JUST TELL HIM TO MOVE ON?!

I'll decide what to do as the day progresses and my patience wears down to a hair.

HAPPY MONDAY!

i used to look young too...i once had brown hair

Guilty: Excitableboy99

Offense: Well, this is a very interesting case. It would appear that this guy not only read my profile but also took notes AND compared those notes to himself...15 years prior. I'm sure there are a lot of guys out there that i would have dated when they were in their 20's and 30's. However, there are a lot of key words in that statement...and they all have to do with what was and what will never be.

"Your profile is brutally honest and raw. My photo sucks. I did have hair down to my waist. I have tat's, took my piercings out. Music is my religion. I love NIN, Soundgarden, Depeche, Alice, Janes, Sarah, Tori and old Metallica and the list goes on. I manage a band now. I am a wild child yet I'm responsable. I will one day finish the 2 screenplays I started. One is about tattoos. I travel between LA and NYC a lot and will never grow old at least at heart. You seem like an interesting woman that is intelligent and creative. I would like to speak with you."

okay, this 'wild child' is 46 years old and his whole 'about me' section has to deal with how much he loves music and he has tattoos'. I'm not even going to get into what his picture looked like...but im sure if i said "child molester Mr Potatohead" you would get the point.

I may not be an old maid but i know enough that a love of music and a love of tattoos will not pay the bills...nor does it promise a fantastic future. Hell, I dont even like guys with tattoos. **all of those afore mentioned statements are voided in regards to Rock and Roll stars.

OH! well, this is fun...

"About Me: ...I am emotionally mature and confidant and very passionate...I am a little kid trapped in a man's body and want to play as much as possible."

Whoa...Whoa....did i just read that...and all in the same paragraph?
I did.

And this 'man' is honestly trying to sell himself using the edge of 'im a little kid trapped in a man's body...'? What woman wants this? Chances are a woman of his age already has kids and doesn't want to adopt one more...and then there are chicks like me who dont want kids and would rather gargle broken glass than have a manchild for a boyfriend let alone husband. Ugh, lord knows i've seen enough of that baby crap at the Dungeon.

There was one good thing i saw though.

At the very bottom of his profile he wrote:
"I want to make more time to help abused animals and children"

alright, that may have been a mere afterthought in a vain attempt to pull on the heartstrings of ladies like me. Did it work? Did it make me feel bad enough to actually write him a reply turning down his proposal of Oedipus bliss.

nope.

though i do have to give props to those people who want to help abused animals...yeah, and i guess children too.

some creeps are older than others

Guilty: Wildtaurus67

Offense: Well, normally I tend to leave the older folk on these dating sites alone. I feel a little bad for them....until they start looking at people like me and being creeptastic. Mr Wildtaurus67 wrote me a very eloquent message...it goes a little something like this:

"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

First of all let me just tell you that I HATE messages like this. Actually I hate any and all messages unless i write the first one...but i hate ones like these the most WHY? because it makes me feel like I am nothing more than a piece of Fucking meat.

I clicked on his picture...which was a shot of a balding man...in a pair of jeans with his shirt tucked into them...and a belt...and cowboy boots. HOwever, before you start going 'oh, gee...you should be used to that look...you used to live in montana after all'...YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE...he had a grey sports jacket on. He was in the only place that a man dressed as such could be at: he was standing on the beach with the wind blowing through his shortened, thinning hair, with the waves crashing behind him.

His other picture, up close, was a headshot of a man with mirrored shades on and a hedgehog hairdo. His age: 43.

Now, I have no problem with 43 year olds...until you start looking at me like a piece of meat...and when you use smilies. His page was full of smilies and smilies with wings and whatnot; nd his 'about me' section?

About Me: I am an adventurist who never gets bored of life, a great listener and best friend you can rely on once you get to know me. I love laughing and seeing the positive side of everything...

OH STOP! Really...I'll bet you like puppies and you smile at babies and you enjoy long walks on the beach BUT ONLY if you can wear your boots and entire 'yacht cowboy' getup.

His idea for a good first date is "a silent place where we could talk"....because that wouldn't be awkward...*shudder*

My Advice: MOVE ON CREEPO! Unless you are Hugh Hefner or a rock star find a girl you couldn't have fathered during your wild years.