Friday, October 18, 2013

TAKEN BY THE T-REX--or "how i lost my dinosaur porn virginity"

 I'll bet  you're all just itching to know what the Hell IS Dinosaur erotica--well, wait no longer for I am here to pull the scales of prehistoric vanilla from your eyes!! 



First of all, let me be the first to admit that it pained me to pay $2.99 of american money to download this drivel.  I was hoping that it would keep me entertained for at least a few hours...maybe the weekend...BUT NO! It's essentially some crappy-ass story that didn't make it into dino-hustler...the whole thing took me less than an hour to read and in this short time i was met with a tale of terror, woe, vengeance and, let's not forget, SEXINESS!! Because, I don't know about you, but nothing says sexy like my own mental party of "Quest for Fire" starring a chick in a loincloth and the prehistoric equivalent of Hodor.

Shall we begin?

This is the story of Drin...she is pretty much the only hottie left in town after this T-Rex comes through and chews everyone up and spits them out.  You see, Drin was hanging out with the guys (seeings as how she is the only female huntress...and pretty much the best one there is) Not only can she speak fluent English (unlike her hunter counterparts) but she's the only one who can take down these various 'small lizards' and deer that the villagers require for food and provisions. On this fateful day the hunting party arrives home to find body parts of their loved ones strewn everywhere and their thatched roof houses destroyed. Clearly it was the 'BIG LIZARD' who did this!!!  What are a bunch of nomadic neanderthals who love getting it on to do? well, they take a vote of course!! Drin gives this State of the Union address about how they needed to hunt down the 'BIG LIZARD' because he's going to come back and eat them...but this other bitch in the tribe (some random 30 year old 'elder') says "BIG LIZARD BIG! WE SMALL!" and the non-dead members are all like 'yeah, fuck this shit, we're running away'.

Poor Drin, all she wants is to avenge the death of her mother...whom the T-Rex ate (to be fair he only snacked on her legs and a hand) but it looks like she has to go rebuild her hut somewhere else instead.

But wait!!! This is erotica, right?? Shouldn't we be getting to some ridiculous sex right about now? I mean, i've already read about 1/3 of this shitty ebook...

Nope, instead we are told about how they all got drunk on some shitty plant and passed out and had bad dreams. Not even bad SEXY dreams...just the usual dream that a dinosaur is going to eat you.
Like "OMG IT'S THE BIG LIZARD!! HE'S GOING TO EAT ME!! I'M SO SCARED!"
Bitch please. It's a fucking dinosaur...if you were really THAT SCARED of being eaten alive maybe you shouldn't be in the middle of an open field by a fire with all but a fucking neon light above your head blinking "EAT AT JOE'S" .
And what the Hell else are they going to have nightmares about? Not paying their taxes? Fucking dino dreams are probably all these people had to look forward to.

Well, she wakes up and she's sad so, naturally, the first thing she thinks about is how the sun hits her breasts...and how this guy totally wants to bang her but she doesn't let him because she had sex once with some other random guy (I assume he's also T-Rex poop by now) and she didn't like it so she was like 'fuck this shit' and decided ain't no penises going near that vajayjay again. DONEZO. *deep breath*

But does he take her by force?!

nope..he's just like 'whatever' (which was more like 'ug ug Drin...stick') and he walks away.  WHAT THE HELL KIND OF EROTICA IS THIS?!

Blah blah blah...the group moves on...blah blah blah...they find a nice place to make new thatched roof cottages for the BIG LIZARD to destroy and it starts to rain. Everyone is like 'oh shit, rain!' ('ug ug sexytime') and they run inside to have sex...
Well, the one guy is having sex with the 'elder' woman...everyone else is probably just jerking their own jurassic wanky.

**And i just want to point out that the author actually writes "and they had sex"...there is no descriptions or ridiculous overuse of smutty terms....no, she literally just writes "and they had sex". Please continue**

Anyway, Drin sees the outline of the BIG LIZARD in the distance (because no one else could hear a fucking 2 ton reptile stomping his way towards you). She runs inside the hut where Old guy was fucking Old girl and is like 'OMG, THE BIG LIZARD IS COMING YOU GUYS, WE GOTTA GO!" and, in response, the guy stands up and 'points his erection' at her, which is caveman for 'point me in the direction where you last saw the BIG LIZARD'...i guess...

They run outside and wake up the tribe...and the BIG LIZARD comes barging through the trees and is like 'BITCH, I'M HUUUNGRY'!!!

Though the tribe is primarily made up of THE HUNTERS it appears the only thing they could think of doing was standing there and screaming like little bitches. Except Drin--she's the Bitch in Charge and is like 'HEY BIG LIZARD! FOLLOW ME!!' and she runs off into the woods where this T-rex was like 'yeah, you know what...fuck these 20 or so people i got over here...i want that one skinny bitch...I like FAST FOOD!' (get it?) and Mr T-Rex runs after here through the trees and whatever the hell else is out there.

BUT WHOA! Joke's on the Big Lizard...because somehow (previously unmentioned in this tale) she had gone out to the woods to make booby traps--not to capture or kill the beast...but merely set to piss it off! She was so proud of herself! The first of her ingenious tricks was to hit him in the nose with sharp sticks;
Then (there was her pride and joy) this little hole she dug (somehow) that was big enough to make a Big Lizard TRIP.

In her stupid inner monologue she even says to herself "not to kill him...but to just aggravate him". HOW IS THAT HELPING ANYONE'S SITUATION.

At this point i'm 3/4 of the way through the book and there has been no sign of an delicious porn...until....

"... the big lizard used his two-fingered forearms to push itself up and out of the pit. Drin turned and ran for her next trap. Springing along the trail, suddenly as horny as hell, Drin had to fight the urge to touch herself between the legs as she ran and the big lizard gave chase."

Yes, because whenever I'm in a life or death situation all I can think of is getting off...that must be the part of psychology I slept through when we were discussed Fight or Flight or Fuck...

Anyway, this bitch never makes it to her next 'trap' because she is soooo turned on that she can't think straight and she gets herself cornered.

GASP!

The big lizard is coming..and he's pissed and bleeding and probably hungry as hell so...so he picks up this dirty, sweaty, stinky human and....sniffs her "sending an exquisite thrill throughout her body".  Then proceeds to tear her loincloth off where we are  met by a description of her 'dark curly pubic hair'...which is unfortunate...hairy bush is SO 1980's.

"Below her feet was an object which she was unable to identify, two feet in length at least, it was as thick as her arm at the elbow, except for the end which tapered down to a blunt point, dark red and solid....she began to struggle and writhe; there was no way that this creature would be able to shove that massive member inside her!" 

Now, maybe I'm just...worldly in my viewings of pornography and the mating habits of guys with rather grotesquely large 'members' but I know i have seen bigger shit than that shoved up some random chick's twat.  I get that this bitch had only been with Johnny Caveman and he sucked at life but, come on...Great American Dildo Challenge anybody? Clearly t-rex's are not 'hung' (at least not this one)...so now this bitch is all like "Oh my god, it's going to tear me apart!!' so she does the most natural thing ever: she spreads her legs as wide as they can go.

BITCH! don't even act like you didn't want that cock! If you DIDN'T you wouldn't be all like 'oh come up here in my hairy caveman vagina!' you'd be like 'these legs are locked and ain't no way big Jurassic ding dong is going in there'.

SO..here we are......now we get to see HOW A DINOSAUR HAS SEX WITH A HUMAN!! I mean, I had money that she wasn't going to be walking or sitting comfortably for a while but it was a risk that we all have to take in such a situation....

"The creature drove upwards, smashing the tip of its tapered cock into her sensitive pussy. It was way too big to actually fit and so the length of it slid along her dampness, spreading her pussy lips wide and stroking across the super sensitive tissues there..."

So clearly this T-Rex was about as interested in this bitch's vagina as I was in this book (hint, not at all) because he wasn't even TRYING to fit it in...instead this bitch is all like 'oh! let me hug your peepee!" So she wraps herself around his dick and he basically uses her as the world's first Fleshlight.  

She's busy rubbing herself up again gooey lizard dick and the t-rex is like 'i don't want to be the only dinosaur in the locker room who is still a virgin' so he continues to bang her in some strange tittiefucking dino way... Meanwhile Drin is like "oh, i'm not even going to pretend like i'm interested in this---this dinosaur gets no blow job loving from me' and instead peers down onto his prehistoric member to discover DINOSAURS HAVE PEE-HOLES TOO!!

"she stared at the tip, mesmerized, there was a hole in it from which a clear liquid was oozing, coating her torso and thighs with an odd smelling lubricant. Drin understood that this would be the hole from which the creature would come and looked away, suddenly worried that it would spray in fluid into her eyes."

WORST. MONEYSHOT. EVER.
I mean, I get it..whenever I"m caught in the clutches of a dino dong and I know that he could chew me to bits with his ferocious teeth the ONE THING that I'm scared of most of all...would be cockroaches...but after that would definitely be "gosh, i hope he doesn't get splooze in my eyes! That's the WORST that could happen..."

"As she came, she clutched tightly onto the big lizard's dick, her arms and legs tightening on the throbbing, red-hot member. The Tyrannosaurus Rex yelled loudly as pints of white fluid shot from the tip of its fat cock to splash onto the rocks below them....the big lizard rammed its shaft against her naked body, each time more of its semen ejaculated across the canyon, wetting the rocks below....
    Apparently finished, the T-Rex simply let Drin fall to the ground, her used and soaking body hitting the dirt..."

OH SHIT! Drin, you thought YOU were using the big lizard for your dirty inter-species love affair...well, he showed YOU who's boss! I guess you should just lay there in post-coital tears and roll around in the body-condom of splooge you were just blessed with BUT NO!! It's that damn old guy who talks like Hodor!! He was watching your kinky dino-action and now he's pissed--HE'S GOING TO KILL YOUR DINOLOVER!!'

Turns out Drin is a bit of a cunt and just lays down in her sploogy bed and watches as the T-rex proceeds to chomp this old guy as a post sex snack and stomps away.
And that's it. That's the story...Dinosaur eats village then makes the huntress into a cum coozie...

Said CumCoozie eventually walks back to the town (and i'm going to go ahead and assume she smelt worse than a week old gookie cookie) and tells everyone how the old guy died a valiant death and how she most definitely DID NOT have sex with the local wildlife....as a matter of fact....

"Drin had washed herself down and rejoined the small community around another large fire, scanning the young men for a suitable looking man to service her."

THE END. 

I don't want to be the one to have to tell her...but i'm going to go ahead and say that I sincerely doubt that any of those 'suitable looking' men are going to be half as hung as Mr Dinosaur...


No comments:

Post a Comment