50 Shades of Lame

Hello trusty readers!!!

I know I have been missing for a while, and i do apologize. Life has been crazy (and in the not-so-fun-to-write-about way) but now i'm back with a bunch of pent up aggression that I have to let loose. I'll get to the good old on-line dating horror stories eventually but right now we need to have a talk about a book that seems to be taking our country by storm: "50 Shades of Grey".

Now, before you get all judgy-face with me I would like to say that I have been against reading this book since day one.

Don't get me wrong, i love me some S&M erotica--I read the Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom when i was 17 (he is the grand-daddy of kink and the father of Sadism after all). I also work as a professional dominatrix and have seen things that would make you want to take a bleach soaked brillo pad to your eyeballs. Yes, dear reader, there isn't really very much that would shock me...however the idea that housewives across the country were suddenly reading about "S&M" thew me for a loop.

The breaking point for me was when i was talking to my stepmother the other day and she had mentioned that her good friend (probably in her early 60's) LOVED the book and was 'invested in the storyline'...but she needed someone to explain 'fisting' to her.

FISTING

Would you want to explain 'fisting' to grandma? No, I didn't think so...

Then there is the case of the 'story line'. My stepmother claimed that 'things happened and everyone was crying at the end'...da fuq?  Well, thanks to some piratical friends and my trusty Nook i was able to acquire said Book without having to pay a dime...thank god.


Alright, enough of my boring back story.....without further adieu I give you

50 SHADES OF GREY
(A critique of the first few chapters anyway)

So...when we begin this story we meet our heroine: Anastasia Steele. She's tall, thin, young, with long dark hair and 'blue eyes too big for her face'. *YAWN* OMG, did E L James even TRY to not make it sound like characters from a Fabio encrusted novel?
Anyway, so this bitch is living with her friend who is evidently really hot and has 'strawberry blond hair and green eyes'...oh, and she has lots of money...unlike our friend Anastasia...who is broke...but we'll get to that later.
So these two smoking babes are getting ready to graduate college and on THIS VERY DAY the hot roomie is sick and Anastasia has to go interview "Mr Grey" of Grey Enterprises or some shit.  After roomie waited like...6 months or something for this interview she decides that a stuffy nose is enough to keep her (the head writer of her school newspaper reporter and whatnot) from meeting the elusive Mr Grey so she sends her dumbass broke roomie instead.
So here we are--she has this BIG interview with this AMAZING guy and she sends her non-reporter introverted friend to go get a story for her to write.

So far i'm totally buying this story...*cough*

Anyway, Anastasia doesn't think she's attractive. Which is hard to believe considering how many times she oogles over herself in the mirror...or in her inner monologues (which are mind numbing). But it doesn't matter...she borrows her friend's Benz (because her old beetle wouldn't make it) and went to interview Mr Grey.

Ana (i'm going to call her that from now on) goes to this HUGE building that is evidently only run by busty hot supermodel blondes who exchange this weird master/servant relationship with each other. At least...that's what it seemed like to me...but to Ana it just seemed like another hit against her faltering ego...because...they were all so beautiful and she was so....BLECH

And now this bitch goes to meet Mr Grey....and she walks into the office and FALLS ON HER FACE! OMG, that silly goose! My God, I didn't see that coming at all...especially not after the seemingly endless paragraphs of her having low self esteem and being a clutz and all.

MR GREY: he's tall, with GREY eyes an he's handsome and rich and has curly hair...and has grey eyes...and has curly hair....get used to it...because that's all you're going to hear about Mr Grey.


blahblahblah i want to run my fingers through his unruly hair. blah blah
blah blah his grey eyes seemed to smolder...they turned a deeper grey blah blah
blah blah i'm not pretty blah blah

So just as we're getting bored reading her dull cliche descriptions Mr Grey seems to get bored with Ana's unrehearsed questions...because that's what I would do...I would go into an interview with a list of questions and not even look it over once and ask "Are you gay?" without thinking twice.

Meanwhile we get to start with Ana's repetitive inner monologue. Here, let me sum it up for you!


omg he's so hot! really, he's hot! i've never seen anyone like him...because he's hot. WHAT A CONTROL FREAK.pretty hair...CONTROL FREAK...grey eyes dancing wildly...CONTROL FREAK...is he looking at me? oh god, he's looking at me...CONTROL FREAK....i'm not pretty.


Eventually she leaves the interview and is on cloud 9 and in love with this guy she doesn't know who obviously has some sociopath tendencies that we can all see this early in the game.

For the next chapter you get to hear her talk to herself about how hot he was...and think about his 'grey eyes' and whatnot...and we find out she works IN A HARDWARE STORE!!!

A fucking hardware store...oh gee....I wonder if she is going to run into Mr Grey one day...buying supplies for his rape kit...maybe she will start getting ideas for the 'other' uses of tools and equipment...

I'll tell you, but first we have to meet her other male suitors--like Jose! A dark-skinned, buff guy who has always wanted her but she always saw as only a friend...and this other guy who's name i can't remember...but same thing, he shows up and is like 'hey, lets go out!" and she's all like "no! i'm ugly'

Meanwhile, Ana is having some torturous girl talk with her hot roomie over Mr Grey...kinda like this:
roomie: 'omg, he totally likes you'
Ana: 'omg, stop..no he doesn't'
roomie: 'omg, like, shuttup...he like...totally likes you'
Ana: 'well...he's a control freak and i'm ugly....but he's hot...what would he want with me' 


This nonsense goes on for many a chapter to the point that I was caught wondering if they were going to bust out the Magic 8 ball and ask it for some advice...and Ana goes to work...

BUT, OMG, GUESS WHO IS AT THE HARDWARE SHOP???
you're never going to guess!!!

MR GREY!!!!!

yes, this guy stalked this girl to the place where she works (about 2 hours away from where he lives)...and he does what most romantic guys do...he asks her for 'cable ties, thick masking tape and 5 yards of natural fiber rope'. AND SHE SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS! Nothing screams "RAPE KIT RAPE KIT'?! Instead he's like 'here's my card' and buys his crap and heads out.

Blah blah blah...more boring girl talk...blah blah blah...Mr Grey agrees to meet them for a photoshoot and he's like "hey Ana let's get coffee!"
So they get coffee but she doesn't drink coffee...i'm sure this is important to the plot somehow...i mean, if not why would she mention it another hundred times that she likes 'Twinings English breakfast' tea and...OMG HE HOLDS HER HAND.
Did you read that?! he holds her hand!!

Is this fucking high school?! I was told this is a book about sex and shit...where the hell is the sex??? WHERE??? So far I feel like i've been teleported back to high school and i'm forced to hear all my friends' awkward dating and crush stories.

Anyway, so these two are drinking coffee (AND TEA) and he's being all stalkerish and eventually he walks her to her car when DISASTER!!!  She was almost run over...by...A GUY ON A BICYCLE!

A FUCKING BICYCLE?!
'...heading the wrong way up this one-way street.


It all happens so fast-one minute i'm falling, the next i'm in his arms, and he's holding me tightly against his chest. I inhale his clean, vital scent. He smells of fresh laundered linen and some expensive body-wash. OH MY, it's intoxicating. I inhale deeply'


IT WAS A FUCKING BICYCLE, YOU STUPID BITCH!

"Are you okay?" he whispers...his thumb brushes my lower lip and i hear his breath hitch. He's staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious burning gaze for a moment or maybe it's forever...but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. OH MY."


If i had a dollar for every time this stupid bitch has said 'oh my' so far i could easily stroll down to the store and buy a fresh bottle of gin. and WHY, if this was such a traumatic ordeal, does he 'whisper' to her 'are you okay?'. If it was as life or death as it clearly was in her head he should have been like 'HOLY SHIT! THE FUCK, GUY?!' and then beat said directional-impaired bike guy into submission. 

WHERE'S THE SEX?!


Nope...no sex yet...no kiss...nothing...just a series of "OH MY"s  and her constant irritating consultations with her "inner goddess".

Her inner goddess: 
...does cartwheels
...frowns at me
...sits upon her lotus flower
...scolds me
...claps her hands
...reminds her that she just got FUCKED and not 'made love' to...we'll get to that later...

So...evidently the inner goddess is a boozehound...because she clearly told our friend Ana to get wasted at some random club...then told Ana it would be a good idea to drunk-dial Mr Grey.

Normally, when i get a drunk phone call at 3am I hang up on said person after hearing a few words of drunken garble...what does Mr Grey do?? HE USES HIS CELL PHONE TRACKER DEVICE TO STALK ANA AT THIS CLUB!! That's right...she steps outside and is like

omg, i'm so drunk...i need some fresh air so i can think about grey eyes and curly hair and describe these things in repeat and oh shit...it's my friend Jose...looks like he is trying to make drunk advances at me again. No way, Jose, I dont want your cliche taco flavored kisses!! NO QUIERO JOSE!


DUN DUN DUN!!! ENTERS MR GREY

"I think the lady said no"--mr grey


Thank you Mr Safe Word ...nothing like a guy who just appears out of the mist like fucking Brigadoon and is all up in your drunk grill. Ana, being quite the one with words, does the smartest thing she's done so far: she pukes all over the place and Mr Grey is her hair-holder...mmm....margarita vomit!!

What happens next???? Will there be an all our war between Edward and Jacob  Mr Grey and Jose?!  And what about the hot roomie?? will SHE get laid? Will Ana have more insecurity issues now that she puked in the strategically placed flower bed? Is Mr Grey Batman??

You'll just have to wait...

"Bee" mine

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!!

It's everywhere...its in the drug stores, in your dirty laundry, hell....it's even here IN THIS BLOG!

THE GUILTY: BeeFan005

THE OFFENSE: A seemingly innocent e-mail preceeded by a seeminly OFFENSEIVE picture.

The Subject: Hi

The Body: You look stunning.

Who is this guy?! I'm pretty sure this is the SAME guy who's picture was sent to me a few weeks ago...except that time he was wearing a g-string and was on a bet surrounded by guns.

Either way...I would like to take your attention away from his Cro Magnon sloping brow and look at his topiary chest/stomach hair. That's right ladies...that would be a set of hearts....and with that dear 'come hither' stare HOW COULD I SAY NO?!

Well, i couldn't say no...which is why i took a look at his profile...this guy might be the future love of my life....

Let's see...it says he's from "New Hyde Park"
he prefers not to say what his body type is
He's 27...damn, he didn't age well....
Occupation: GRAVE ROBBER/BEE KEEPER

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!

If this isn't love, dear reader, than i dont know what is!

about me: I'm big in to digging holes in the middle of the woods. I like going to the beach and rolling around in the sand right after I have gone swimming. I'm not big on brushing my teeth, I think it's been at least 5 weeks since i've done that. I love puppet shows. My friends call me meat tooth for short, or the dood. My favorite animal is a polar bear. I go for long drives at a last minutes notice all the time. I have an acute memory from names and addresses.

First Date: I would probably pick you up and we could split a birthday cake from a nearby supermarket.

Alright alright...so I had been had by Mr Beefan005...that's cool...but the guy who made this site must be lurking online somewhere, right?

VICTORY!

**posted at the bottom of the page**
Well I hope this made you laugh, this is my kinda sense of humor look me up if you want, this is the real me "agnaralation"

OOOOOOOOO

A hunt!! how exciting...time to go snooping for this 'agnaralation'

First of all I would like to say that plentyoffish.com doesn't have the best search engine known to man. Well, at least my dumb ass found it a little hard to navigate...
OH! i have to hit the 'search USERNAME" button...silly me...okay...where is this guy....

My knight in shining armor is....A GINGER?!

...

I dont know how i feel about this...i m ean, i am not going to lie. I do enjoy the 'devil-may-care' grin but...the red hair...I dont know if i can deal with some fire crotch action...Let's see what he's about.

Hes in Glen Head...I have no idea where the hell that is...

he does tech work in a hospital...alright alright...this could be promising...

About Me: Hey there, if you don't like loud music, skating, and getting gnar with things then just stop here. I'm originally from NY and moved to Mass for a few years, more like 7. I work at some area hospitals on Long Island and i'm still continuing my education. I'm a big outdoors kinda dude. I like fishing, hiking and of course skating, it's a huge part of my life. I travel a lot, especially in the warmer weather. I've never been to europe or cali, but that's def in the works. I like pizza with a passion as well as sushi. I have a ton of tattoos and def working on more. I'm a gentelman I suppose, open your car door kinda guy, but I def have a sailor mouth haha.

....
Well, what do you mean by "if you dont like loud music"? does that mean that you are going to be playing your crappy music at top volume all the time? I mean, because i like music of all kinds...but i LOVE silence.

Skating?

Like...in-line skating?
No kid, i grew out of that phase years ago. I know you are only 27 but...even when i was 27 I was totally over that shit.
Translation: You're an asshole and you dont quite understand taht doing stupid things will mean that you will have stupid injuries...which will end with your stupid ass in a sling and no money coming in. ANd then what?? You're going to be like 'oh, well, if you could have seen it, man...i got som AIR!!'
That's the kinda shit i used to do in highschool....and i realized that getting hurt...HURTS...and the other you get the slower you are to bounce back. Ugh, I am NOT going to date an overgrown teenager.

GETTING GNAR

WTF IS 'GETTING GNAR'
Is that like...GWAR?!  because, that's pretty awesome...sadly i dont think that is the case. Methinks it's time to resort the the ONLY source of online lingo: URBAN DICTIONARY!!!

GNAR:

A shortened version of the word gnarly, meaning high on the scale of dangerousness and coolness. Often used among the skateboard crowd

 

We got us a real mature one here!!!

 

maybe his actual 'working' in hospitals is in reference to how often he is seen being rolled into said hospitals. Ugh, AND he has tattoos (sorry, i know its a total pot calling the kettle black but) i don't like guys with tattoos. That's right. I said it.

 

Let's see....what could this kid's first date ideas be...

 

First Date: Go somewhere where we could talk, maybe get some coffee or pizza!!!

 

MY RESPONSE:

oH WOWWWWWW!!!! That sounds reallllyyyy chill, man. Maybe like...when your mom drops you off at the mall we can go into Hot Topic or Pac Sun and get some totally stellar hoodies and stickers for our boards. THEN we can eat pizza and french fries and like...see who else we know in the food court and talk about our latest GNAR adventures.

 

LOSER!!!

 

Ugh, grow up kid....(did *I* really just say that?!)

 

I'm not going to lie but...if i had to choose a Valentine I think i would go with contestant A--the Bee keeper/grave robber....at least then i could have all the honey and corpses a girl could ever wish for.

 

mmm.....necrophelia...beuse dead boys (and girls) don't say no ;)

Manson Boy in 3D!!

Just  when you thought it couldn't get any more humiliating...he writes back

(re)RETURN OF THE MANSON BOY!!!

How could this be?? Had just sent me a message about how he wants to give me another 'chance'...and then went on some strange psychokiller rant before posting a youtube video of himself which WAS GROUNDS FOR DEATH in many walks of life...

I didn't respond..as a matter of fact i did what i always do: I posted it to this website and then showed all my friends said video, surely he saw the hits and realized that i was making fun of him, right?

right?

RETURNING OFFENDER: icefreak3

OFFENSE:
Aside from existing in the same planet as i currently reside? He sent me ANOTHER E-MAIL!!

Subject: What the new pics? :O

Body: well, I just got my heart STOMPED tonight by another gold digger. Its so pathetic, what about you? do you "LOVE" a guy for WHO he is? Or just whats in his wallet? and here's a video of me if I didnt send it to you the last time.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sAOo_tbL0w
 
MY RESPONSE:
YOU LIVE IN YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE, DRESS LIKE A HIGH SCHOOLER, SLEEP IN A BUNKBED, DONT HAVE A JOB, DONT HAVE A CAR AND MAKE STUPID VIDEOS LIKE THE ONE YOU SENT HERE THAT YOU ALREADY SENT TO ME LAST TIME.
 
ARGHHHH!!! of COURSE i care about what is in your fucking wallet! do yout hink i want to take care of your whiney psychopathic mortal kombat wearing christmas light wielding self? NO! And "LOVE" there is no 'LOVE' here...if there was remotely a chance i would have at least given you the time of day...you're writing to my fucking inbox...as if i'm going to write back and be like 'Gee, that's terrible....I love a guy for who he is...i like my guy to be real...and honest....and to be 30 and sleeping in a bunkbed laden with pictures of Marilyn Manson in his mother's house. I always hoped that my man would be an independant filmmaker too..and star in his own films...of him...wearing stilly Hot Topic/Party City/Comicon outfits and trying to be cool...while filming himself with his crew of 1...Mr Tripod.
 
To be honest I just got my soul STOMPED on when i read this. SOMEONE ACTUALLY WENT ON A DATE WITH THIS ASSHOLE?!?! I want to find this person and see what she looked like...then i'll be like 'really, what was it that turned you on? was it the (lack of) hair? or maybe the poorly executed eyeliner....OHHH MYYYY GGOOODDDDDDDDDDD...
 
And the fact that he is like 'roar roar roar my date tonight sucked roar roar...watch my video' leads me to believe that he has no friends. Why bitch to me? i wrote you a cold letter saying you are not what i'm looking for and signing it with 'regards' and you STILL think that i'm going to give you the time of day? go tell your mommy!! or maybe you're a Norman Bates type fellow and mommy just doesn't respond too often.
 
Final thought: if you haven't seen the youtube video i suggest you watch it....copy and paste that link and check that shit out. OR ELSE YOU WILL MISS THIS:
 

"I do not fuck up"

Sub Zero taking a tumble

fighting a snow stubby penis with a light sabre

his ship came in...aground

see Spot in rehab

...and much MUCH MORE!!!!

mirror mirror on the wall...

I know I know...

It's been about a week since i last wrote in my blog...sadly i have this horrible thing called "work" that eats away at my soul and absorbs my every waking moment.

But, thankfully the creepers on the internet don't have frivilous things such as 'jobs' to keep them at occupied...

The Guilty: Allnighter013

(above caption courtesy of him)
If pictures could talk: "don't mind me, i'm just chillin in my wife beater and overly straight yet crooked hat. And that arm...its not just flexed baby that's the way it is GANGSTA"

The Offense:
alright, first let's take a look at his name "allnighter013" for some reason my brain goes to two places. First: I'm reminded of that night in undergrad where i realized there was a paper due on "The Communist Manifesto" at 8am the following morning and i didn't even read the book.
That was an all nighter.
And i would assume the number '13' would go with it very well because goddamn that paper sucked...and that book sucked too. Who would have thought for a little pamphlet that was like...40 pages it would take damn near all night and two packs of cigarettes to get through it (granted..i didn't know a damn thing i was reading but hey...'understanding' it was optional)

THE SECOND translation would be that he can partake in sexual intercourse for the duration of the night.

wow....i hope that's not true...and it's followed by the number '13'...so maybe that would mean that all night long we are trying to 'get it up' and it just ain't workin. Why the hell would i want that shit?

oh well, let's see what he wrote:

Subject: hi

Body:  Hey how are you doing? btw I'm J___
P.S.

your a cutie
 
MY RESPONSE:
P.P.S. can't you form a complete thought? btw i dont like you.
and you used the wrong 'your'...jackass
and i dont like being called stupid ass names like 'cutie'.
 
UGHHHH...is it soooo hard to write a goddamn sentence? obviously for him it was pretty difficult to think of anything more complex than 'the cat in the hat'.
 
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HIS PROFILE
...shall we?
 
 

Nope...nope don't 'luv' it....and your shirt it stuck in your belt...oh, and you collar is kinda doing its own thing...and, in the immortal words of Chris Rock "TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT"  
let's see...it says he lives in Brooklyn, Hamptons, and NYC...impressive...he's omnipresent
he's 27 years old and a Catholic...and he's 'ACTIVELY SEEKING" a relationship. I guess writing women lame ass messages is pretty 'active'...i'll let him have that.
 
About me: I'm P.R. and have some Ital in me as well, damn proud of it too. I live & have a house out in the Hamptons but I'm a Queens Boy at heart, being that I was raised there and all. I also have a APT in Brooklyn near Williamsburg where I stay at from time to time. I'm more or less a down to Earth type of person. I guess you can call me a "Hopeless Romantic" just out to Enjoy Life and have Fun. Oh remember that Im Latin and Italian so I can get pretty Wild when the time is right ; ) You can almost always find me salsa dancing NAKED!! . . after a shower.. checking out da goods in my mirror.. Hey thats how I do..lol.. My friends tell me I'm funny as Hell at times but I don't see it, I'm just me. On my free time I like to chill with good friends, go to the movies, Eat tons of Ice Cream lol.,. its ok tho I do workout at least 3 times a week, eat pretty healthy and I even started drinking Protein shakes with 0grams of Fat and 50grams of protein "Thats right ****es".lol.. When the weather is nice you can find me Riding my baby A.K.A. motorcycle, kawasaki 1100. Love to going to the beach, playing sports like: baseball, handball and whatever...... If I have the time I do like to hit up a Lounge or club, once in a blue either in the Hamptons &/or NYC. I dislike when people are starting to tell me something and they say never mind, dont worry, or its not important.. Damn I hate that lol.,.
One more thing, for all you Wonderful Sweet ladies who say there are no good men left or out there... Please Listen to this: "GOOD Men are like apples on trees" The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most women don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren..t as good, but easy...... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they..re amazing. They just have to wait for the right woman to come along - the one who..s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.....

In my case, I'm type of man who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on me, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat or will stay awake just to watch you sleep, looking all cute. Waits for kisses but is happy enough just to be able to kiss you on your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you, thats just simply me. In the end Im just hope someone see me for me on the inside instend of the out. Xox ;)
 
MY RESPONSE:
..o! WHERE DO I BEGIN?!
Let's see...he  keeps talking about this "hamptons' house...clearly he has money...that in itself is a HUGE turnon to golddiggers like me and most other women...but then...we see the tradeoff...
 
He a house in the hamptons and an apt in williamsburg and he tells me that he is a 'down to earth' person. I'll bet he has a Deadhead sticker on his Cadallac as well...  He's a 'hopeless romantic' and in the same paragraph he writes that you can " almost always find me salsa dancing NAKED!! . . after a shower.. checking out da goods in my mirror..."
I think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit with that image.
Clearly he is a hopeless romantic when it comes to looking at floppy dicks (at least his own floppy dick) dance around in front of him. In which case I dont think i have the correct 'plumbing' suitable to ignite his true passion.
 
He rides a crotchrocket...blech...'moving roadkill'-that's what i call those assholes.
 
And WTF is up with this 'i'm latin' crap. Yeah, okay, first people get allll upset because people use 'stereotypes' to describe different ethnicities...and then we have jackasses like this douche going 'well, i'm latin so OBVIOUSLY that means ...but...what about the stabbing and gangs and like...Thunderdome and all other things that 'you people' do? 
 
WOOWWWW he drinks protein shakes-and LOOK! HE'S EVEN READING ME THE NUTRITION FACTS OFF THE LABEL! Golly! i can't wait to go on a date with him!
 
Then he puts shit that he got in some e-mail chain letter in the middle of his profile. SO the piece of shit spam that was sent to your inbox 8 years ago that you didn't want to read then has become the piece of shit spam on a dating site that you don't want to read now.  
'
Then we have his closing paragraph '...blah blah blah call you beautiful instead of hot'.
No you didn't asshole, you called  me 'cutie'...and there are many words i would use to describe me but none of them are in the 'cute' family. 
type of guy who 'calls you back when you hang up on me'. FUCKER! I HUNG UP ON YOU FOR A REASON!! I dont want your stupid ass calling and calling back and leaving messages like '...but i want to talk to you...but...i love you...and i understand and i want to TALK TO YOU'
I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU...CREEP!!!
 
I once had a creepy sociopath that i was seeing do that to me. If he wanted to talk to me and i hung up on him he would call...and call...and call...and his voicemails would get progressively meaner..and meaner...and the next thing you know i was scared to leave the house without full armor. *shudder* thanks for the warning wackadoodle...
 
"waits for kisses....kiss you on the forehead"
"show you off to the world...you are in sweats"
"holds your hand in front of his friends"
blah blah blah blah BLAHBLHABLHJDFJKLHNDSAFOIHSFD
 
YUK!!! this whole page offends me!!
I read this guy to be some douchebag who is like 'i'm awesome and i'm great and you belong to me...and i'm needy and clingy and needy and please like me...please...i'm lonely...and...i wish i had a friend...but i'm awesome...and i'm fat free...Patrick Bateman is my homeboy...wait here while i get my rain poncho..."
 
His Idea of a FIRST DATE:
Whatever we would like to do thats fun,... maybe have dinner afterwards go for a nice walk and talk. Get to know each other better and give me a chance to tell you silly jokes =)
 
OOHOOOHOOOHHHH
I have a silly joke for you: I think you're attractive and the 'one' for me!! <3 <3
NOOOTTTTTTTT
 
 
 
 
 
Now take your hair gel and your static cling and please...forget i existed

Return of the Manson (complete with video *he* sent)

Hey everybody! On this Martin Luther King day i would like to ask the qustion that i'm sure has been on everyone's mind since i last posted about him: 'What ever happened to Mansonboy?".

You remember him, right? he lived with his mother and slept in a bunkbed and didn't have a job and dressed like marilyn manson at the ripe old age OF 30!! If you dont have any idea who i'm talking about please click here!!

Well, i figured by telling him politely NO that he would go back and creep on some other girl dressed in black...either that or go tell his mommy that 'no one understands him' and spend his weekly allowance on new clothes from hot topic.

BUT I WAS WRONG!!!

I did my morning ritual of checking facebook, cnn and then my dating sites and i saw a new message from:

GUILTY: Icefreak3

OFFENSE:
hee'ssssss baaaaaaaccckkkkkkk...
and this time he has a NEW PROFILE PICTURE...I almost didn't recognize him--except for the obvious 'creep' aura eminating from him.



whooooooooaaaaa

wait...how does someone go from Manson wannabe to....plaid?

So wait, so the first couple times he messaged me he tried to look all whiney emo/badass/poser and now he's just...playing Dungeons and Dragons with a buzzcut? Ugh, my "Attack of 7" trumps his "suave of (-)infinity"

Oh, that reminds me...do you want to see what he wrote me this time? Check this out:

Header: "Round 2 3 or 400"

Body: "I'll ALWAYS give you another try [hold his head OH WHY cant woman just say YES! it'll make there lives SSOO much easier!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sAOo_tbL0w"
 
YOU MUST WATCH THE VIDEO!! DO IT NOW!!
just copy and paste the youtube link into your searchbar and watch it...because...it's a video of him...doing...things that he does instead of finding a job. (hint: Mortal Kombat, bowling, faux leather and christmas lights...can't beat this shit)
 
MY RESPONSE:
PAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Like, alright, i understand that this crap is funny...and he made it to BE funny...but WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING IN THOSE SITUATIONS ANYWAY?! you're not 15....you're a grown man...recording YOURSELF doing stuff worthy of Napoleon Dynamite...and then SENDING IT TO A GIRL YOU LIKE! Jesus Christ!! haha, there is no way this guy is real...or maybe...its the surrealness of it that makes him real...
 
nah.
 
and what is this "i'll ALWAYS give you another try" nonsense. I'm offended..and this whole 'why can't women just say yes" silliness? For some reason when i read that i had an image of him...covered in blood and a slaughtered body on the ground screaming 'WHYYYYYYY CAN'T WOMEN JUST SAY YES?!?!"
 
AND THAT SCARES ME.
 
Granted, our boy S____does have a point there. If i did say "yes" to every CHUD and whackadoodle that asked me out I would totaly not be on the market right now. Of course, i'd be either dead, in a cage, in a brothel, a zombie...who knows where i could be now if i didn't have this thing called STANDARDS.
Granted those of you who know my dating record know that my standards aren't very high...but hey, they are still standards.
 
...oh and incase you were wondering...NO...I am not responding to this jackassery. BUT YOU MUST WATCH THAT VIDEO!!! DO ITTT!!! and remember ladies (and perhaps gentlemen)...he's single ;)
 
 

awestruck

There are some things in life that you just can't make up...those things usually happen to me.

Like this guy...

THE GUILTY: Sexulchoclate

THE OFFENSE:

Before i post the e-mail that was sent to me by Mr Sexulchoclate i would like to just say something real quick. Take a look at his screen name....you would THINK that this person would be black and referring to himself as some lameo pickup line...well, a line with BAD GRAMMAR.
but...here's the message I got:

"You do porn?? Thats amazing WHITE POWER!"

MY RESPONSE:......
ummmmmm...let me look at this douchebag's picture...OH MY GOD!!!

There is no way in hell that this guy is for real.  That is probably the scariest thing i have seen since I accidently walked in on my parents having sex.

I must look at his page...

Well, he's from Jersey. That explains everythig right there.

OH, and he's a "Goatherder"...well, Jersey is known for their influx of goats...

About Me:

 "My Ex went out for, " Girls Night", so I did the same with the Fellas..My crew and I went to a club in the heart of an Urban area..I will never forget, the song or what I saw next..The song, Hansons MMm Bop, the sight, my Ex sandwiched between 2 black men with erections on the dance floor...Needless to say this was the end and here I am. Bout me , Joy was brought to this world August 24th, 1978 @ 6:15 am in Queens NY, .. I Moved to Jersey in 2nd grade been here since. I am a hard working man , who lives and breathes Classic cars..I love what I do, and feel blessed to be able to do it..When Im not working which is not too often, I enjoy riding the Harley, and going on any kind of road trip in a classic ride..I enjoy going to scenic places, antique shops, and like to dress in Thermal underwear and walk around Wallmart..The thermals must be skin tight! Go big or go home..I like the Zoo, I like big fluffy animals, and I still cant figure out why the hell Giraffes were put on this earth, and why we need them? I feel watching sports is a waste of time..On a Sunday instead of getting drunk and yelling at the TV in a bar, at a bunch of overpaid atheletes who cant even hear me, Id rather hop on the hog, and drive through the mountains..The thing that bugs me about sports is People dont like the away teams, just cause theyre not from where you grew up? So lame, ugh! Dont get me wrong Ive sat through it, and would do it for the rite person but not my thing..I like to play sports not watch them, except Boxing, and UFc, thats entertainment. Im pretty much will do anything on a dare, and am always looking to have fun, and goof around..I dont care what people think, and am very comfortable with myself and everything I do..I will sing Kareoke sober, I will do anything fun sober, People think Im drunk when Im sober..I dont need drugs or alcohloe to be fun..Its a gift my Father passed down to me, its in my Italian blood ..I would kinda like a partner in crime that I could get into trouble with..A person that we could conctantly try to out do eachother in the stupidity department..I am always the entertainer, for once I would like to be entertained too :)... Its simple if you dont care what people think, have nuts of steel, great sense of humor, you may fit the bill..If you love the 1950;s, 1980's Elvis Rock, Tattoos, Cars, motorcycles, The beach, Car shows, you will be even higher in the rankings. My Music tastes not big on Hip Hop..Beastie Boys Run DMC, pretty much closest thing to rap il go. Oldies, Metal, Doo Wop , and Rock, is where its at..Favorite bands..Motley Crue, Elvis, Billy Idol, Godsmack, Social Distotion, Van Halen, etc I know Im missing tons..Favorite Movies, The Wanderes, Better off dead, Dirty dancing, Grease, all 6 Rocky films, Rambo, anything Stallone! Eddie and the cruisers, Ghost I cry at the end :( Boondock saints..Karate kid, The Goonies, and Gigi. Well guess you get the drift, Im looking for different than the norm becasue thats what I am..Fun, Fun is the key! life is too short..Im in no rush, just looking for a good click, then see where and what kind of trouble we could raise...."

My idea of a first date:  "My first date..I would take my date to The National Wholesale Liquidators..We we then purchse matching fuzzy Velor $10.99 jogging suits, my treat..We would get into our skin tight fresh gear, (which would be so tight it would leave nothing to the imagination) And head over to the most packed shopping mall, and power walk through the crowd while holding hands!..Matching Ambervision glasses, and gold chains optional.."

MY RESPONSE:
Well, at first I thought it was a guy after my own heart.

I thought that it was some guy who really didn't give a shit and was on the site just for the fun of it...and then he actually started talking about himself...and then I saw his real picture:

THIS MAN SCARES ME.

Really, I would almost prefer the guy in the g-string with the guns and the...man-fur...this guy looks like a wife beater. 

I'm also a little disturbed that he mentiones "sober" three times in one train of thought...and he mentions 'i dont need drugs or alcohol to have a good time'...I may be watching too many crime shows on tv but this sounds to me like a classic recovering 12-stepper. Not that there is anything wrong with a recovering addict...but in the past it does not seems to work out well...AT ALL.

Also, what is with his obsession with 'tight' clothing that leaves 'nothing to the imagination'. I can't tell if he's joking or if he's telling the truth. I"m willing to bet this guy is COO-COO and put in some humor to make light of the fact that he is...probably a robot.

Well, and Italian robot...who likes cars...but (according to his stats) doesn't own one.

Sorry, but that's kinda lame. I mean if you are going to rattle on about how much you love something...but you dont even OWN a POS to get you from point A to B...and then you post pictures like this:

I'm going to go ahead and say that you are ALREADY MISLEADING ANY POTENTIAL FEMALES.  I mean, i thought that this was a guy who collected classic cars...not some douche who goes from car yard to card yard and poses with OPP (other people's property...for those of you who were not rocking out in the 90s).

MY written RESPONSE:

... I actually didn't write anything. However, there is a part of me that REALLY REALLLLLY wants to write him just to say what he will write back....or if he will write back..

Something tells me I'm going to be doing something I will regret...very shortly...

 

For Nerd Eyes Only

I don't like to let slip this little secret of mine but:

 I'm a nerd.

Like, seriously...I can tell you the most useless crap from many a beloved fantasy and sci-fi repitoire. I try to hide it behind the bleached out hair and my avid self-esteem but, in actually, I was collecting Magic cards and Star Wars CCG cards with the best of them.
*the key word in that statement: was 

However, only because i pretend to be badass doesn't mean i'm not one to drop a nerdy reference from time to time...or come to blows over Boromir's honor...no...sometimes i just can't help it...and that's what gets me in trouble.

Like this guy...

Guilty: Myridny

Offense:

Okay, at first it was kinda funny....i opened my POF account to find that someone who looked like a chubby clark kent had written me...see exhibit A


Exhibit A: Clark Kent offers me a....fish?

 See, i even drew little glasses on him so you could see the striking resembelence to Superman!! And...look at that little curl on his forhead....but....what is that in his hand?
And...why is he on bended knee?
With..that thing in his hand?
And what's with that smirk?
It's almost like he's saying 'we're in the forest, i'm half dressed...and i have this fish. ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?!!!!"
and of course, the average person would be like 'oh shit...a fucking axe murderer!!!!'
But no..that's when he looks at you with his baby blues (behind the glasses of course) and he says "...LET'S WEAR RUBBER PANTS AND POLKA!!!"

yup...that's exactly how it would play out...and this man is a loon...but, regardless let's see what he wrote

FIRST MESSAGE
Date: 1/7/11

Heading: SURPRISE!!!

Body: ;) at you

My Response:
SURPRISE!!! I hate WINKY FACES >=[
Jesus...well, compared to a lot of the other messages i have gotten this one was nothing, ANd look at him..hes as harmless as the joker (in the old school batman tv show)...he gave me a box and when you open it you expect a bomb...and its just a silly sign that says 'bang'.

This guy shall get no response from me.

HIS SECOND MESSAGE
Alright, so maybe living with fishes in the forest made this guy lack social graces. Maybe he doesn't understand that if you READ my profile i actually mention that I DONT RESPOND IF I'M NOT INTERESTED. Or, maybe he was going to use a Jedi Mind trick...

Date: 1/9/2011

Subject: Re: SURPRISE!

Body: "Let's take a ride on a rocketship!"

My Response:
Well, this caught me off guard...you see, i never responded to him so there is no reason that the "RE:" should be in the title of the message...odd.

And secondly, that was a paraphrase of what Zaphod Beeblebrox asked Trillian when he met her at that fancy dress party.

Now, i didn't know if that's what he was aiming for but i figured if a guy looks like a comic book character then he HAS TO know Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. But first, let's take a look at his profile.

The Profile

Well, it turns out our friend is 35 years old...he's in to yoga....

About me: "Not your mister perfect
I like drinking ginger ale and root beer soda's.
Doing things like building something with my own hands make's me proud.
I like visiting new places, can be a new restaurant or a new town.
Sunny days are the best.
I have a nature too explore.
One of my favorite atributes is my ability to get dressed quickly.
I like to keep it simple and go with the flow.
I will try any food that comes my way. (I eat my greens and Love Pesce).
Movies I like are usually comedies, but I do like a horra with company.
I like cartoon's
The type of girl for me is independent, strong, confident & must have a wild side to her.
A Classic Beauty
my favorite color is blue
My opinoion is icecream cake is the most bestest.
disclamier/I'm not the a**hole I portait
For you to like me you must be able to deal with me ."

Alright...so you like ginger ale AND rootbeer sodas...does that mean that you like them...like..together? because...that's gross annd reminds me of 5th grade.
He 'keeps it simple'...alright, look at me...'simple' isn't even in my vocabulary...unless we are talking about work that i have to do or math problems..then i like SIMPLE.
I HATE comedies.
Cartoons? y ou actually put that in your dating profile? at 35 years old? ewwwwwwww
There are many things that I am...and what I am not is a CLASSIC BEAUTY!
He likes 'blue'..would that be Prussian? Baby? Cobalt? really...there are too many options out there for me to do a proper mental evaluation.
He likes ice cream cake...
"For you to like me you must be able to deal with me...."
WOW

Thank you for your wise words.
My god, what are you,,,,7? Hell, i'll give you 12...you attempted to use average words and you mispelled them. I'll bet you like video games too....

You totally didn't even read my profile, did you. As a matter of fact I dont even think you looked at my pictures. I think you just typed away at the keyboard like some monkey at a typewriter and magically you got my screen name...duuuuudddeeeeeeeee

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT....but he still made me laugh with his rocketship line...I suppose i owed him some sort of small response.

SOmething so irrelevant that it's obvious that i'm giving him the slip.... I GOT IT!!

MY written RESPONSE

Date: 1/9/2011
"ALRIGHT, you got me to respond. That was very Zaphod Beeblebrox of you."

THERE

i didn't give him a 'funny ha ha' line. I didn't ask how he was doing...hell, i didn't even give him my name...in online dating terms this translates to "I'm being nice...now please bugger off"

HIS THIRD MESSAGE:

Date: 1/10/2011
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Surprise!
Body: "thanks i will take that as a compliment.."

Ugh, no...take it as 'okay...okay...i see that you have contacted me. very nice. shoo shoo' I didn't tell him though, i figured with my lack of response he would figure that out on his own.

HIS FOURTH MESSAGE:

Date: 1/11/2011
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Surprise!
Body: "Hello
 My name is Mario"

Ummm....not only am I a little annoyed that it's been 4 days since he FIRST contacted me..and 2 days since i wrote him that partially digested sentence and iw ant him to leave me be.
But..his name is "Mario"?

Is this guy fucking with me? There is no way his name is 'mario'. I think he was privy to my nerd games and was trying to con me into responding with "lol! is there a luigi? tell the princess I said "hi" "
WELL THE JOKE'S ON HIM
Cuz I ain't responding....besides, this time he attached a brand spankin new picture to his e-mail...[please reference exhibit b:

exhibit b: Monkey kidnaps child on sketchy crotch rocket



....This picture scares me.

I dont know what it is..maybe its the Gomer Pile look on his face...maybe its that weird flexing 'derrr derrr' thing he is doing with his arm...or that little kid that he appears to be sitting on and suffocating.

Something in this picture isn't right...

MY RESPONSE:

*distant violin*

MARIO GET'S NO RESPONSE FROM ME!!!!! If only i had that damn blue turtle shell...

HIS FIFTH MESSAGE

Date: 1/12/2011

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Surprise!

Body: "How are you today?"

Funny you should mention that, Mario, i was actually doing really well until i saw that YOU FUCKING WROTE ME AGAIN!!!!'

Jesus, you've been hounding me for almost a week now. I think it's time to give up the search and write someone else random one sentence messages.

BUT WAIT!!!

HIS SIXTH MESSAGE:

Date: 1/15/2011

Subject:Re:Re:Re;Re:Re:Re:Surprise!

Body: "I'd like to take you for a spin"

WELL ISN'T THAT NICE.

I'd like to take you for a spin too...you'd better watch for banana peels mister.

I'm on to your game.

I dont understand what this guy thinks he is trying to do. I mean, usually with persistance comes progressively ANGRY e-mail about how i'm a stupid bitch and i'm going to die alone and whatnot.

But this guy...his e-mails dont go ANYWHERE.

and this 'take you for a spin'...*looks outside* its like...10 degrees outside and it is the land of ice and snow...yeah, we'll go for a spin to our fucking graves on your POS bike.

Or maybe you meant that like a 'sexual innuendo', i really hope that's not the case...because if he follows up that e-mail with something even more blatently sexual i'm going to shove a wad of kryptonite up his pansy ass.

Actually, I think i'm going to write him to take a ride on his rocketship and go back to whatever planet he came from.