Snuff-O-Vision (via Cameo for iphone)

In case you missed my beautiful movie that has been haunting facebook you can watch it HERE!! Sexy pumpkin carving and guts and Ministry for all.

(and if you like the app it's available for iPhones right now with droid to come--it's called "Cameo" and it's FREE, BITCHES)

What is going on in this video? WHY IS THE PUMPKIN CRYING?! Dude, because it's about to get carved up like it's turkey counterpart on Thanksgiving. Look at the beautiful curves on that squash! The overall 'you can't have this' attitude....yeah...that little pumpkin was asking for it. Taunt away little pumpkin, I'm going to make your day.

TAKEN BY THE T-REX--or "how i lost my dinosaur porn virginity"

 I'll bet  you're all just itching to know what the Hell IS Dinosaur erotica--well, wait no longer for I am here to pull the scales of prehistoric vanilla from your eyes!! 

First of all, let me be the first to admit that it pained me to pay $2.99 of american money to download this drivel.  I was hoping that it would keep me entertained for at least a few hours...maybe the weekend...BUT NO! It's essentially some crappy-ass story that didn't make it into dino-hustler...the whole thing took me less than an hour to read and in this short time i was met with a tale of terror, woe, vengeance and, let's not forget, SEXINESS!! Because, I don't know about you, but nothing says sexy like my own mental party of "Quest for Fire" starring a chick in a loincloth and the prehistoric equivalent of Hodor.

Shall we begin?

This is the story of Drin...she is pretty much the only hottie left in town after this T-Rex comes through and chews everyone up and spits them out.  You see, Drin was hanging out with the guys (seeings as how she is the only female huntress...and pretty much the best one there is) Not only can she speak fluent English (unlike her hunter counterparts) but she's the only one who can take down these various 'small lizards' and deer that the villagers require for food and provisions. On this fateful day the hunting party arrives home to find body parts of their loved ones strewn everywhere and their thatched roof houses destroyed. Clearly it was the 'BIG LIZARD' who did this!!!  What are a bunch of nomadic neanderthals who love getting it on to do? well, they take a vote of course!! Drin gives this State of the Union address about how they needed to hunt down the 'BIG LIZARD' because he's going to come back and eat them...but this other bitch in the tribe (some random 30 year old 'elder') says "BIG LIZARD BIG! WE SMALL!" and the non-dead members are all like 'yeah, fuck this shit, we're running away'.

Poor Drin, all she wants is to avenge the death of her mother...whom the T-Rex ate (to be fair he only snacked on her legs and a hand) but it looks like she has to go rebuild her hut somewhere else instead.

But wait!!! This is erotica, right?? Shouldn't we be getting to some ridiculous sex right about now? I mean, i've already read about 1/3 of this shitty ebook...

Nope, instead we are told about how they all got drunk on some shitty plant and passed out and had bad dreams. Not even bad SEXY dreams...just the usual dream that a dinosaur is going to eat you.
Like "OMG IT'S THE BIG LIZARD!! HE'S GOING TO EAT ME!! I'M SO SCARED!"
Bitch please. It's a fucking dinosaur...if you were really THAT SCARED of being eaten alive maybe you shouldn't be in the middle of an open field by a fire with all but a fucking neon light above your head blinking "EAT AT JOE'S" .
And what the Hell else are they going to have nightmares about? Not paying their taxes? Fucking dino dreams are probably all these people had to look forward to.

Well, she wakes up and she's sad so, naturally, the first thing she thinks about is how the sun hits her breasts...and how this guy totally wants to bang her but she doesn't let him because she had sex once with some other random guy (I assume he's also T-Rex poop by now) and she didn't like it so she was like 'fuck this shit' and decided ain't no penises going near that vajayjay again. DONEZO. *deep breath*

But does he take her by force?!

nope..he's just like 'whatever' (which was more like 'ug ug Drin...stick') and he walks away.  WHAT THE HELL KIND OF EROTICA IS THIS?!

Blah blah blah...the group moves on...blah blah blah...they find a nice place to make new thatched roof cottages for the BIG LIZARD to destroy and it starts to rain. Everyone is like 'oh shit, rain!' ('ug ug sexytime') and they run inside to have sex...
Well, the one guy is having sex with the 'elder' woman...everyone else is probably just jerking their own jurassic wanky.

**And i just want to point out that the author actually writes "and they had sex"...there is no descriptions or ridiculous overuse of smutty terms....no, she literally just writes "and they had sex". Please continue**

Anyway, Drin sees the outline of the BIG LIZARD in the distance (because no one else could hear a fucking 2 ton reptile stomping his way towards you). She runs inside the hut where Old guy was fucking Old girl and is like 'OMG, THE BIG LIZARD IS COMING YOU GUYS, WE GOTTA GO!" and, in response, the guy stands up and 'points his erection' at her, which is caveman for 'point me in the direction where you last saw the BIG LIZARD'...i guess...

They run outside and wake up the tribe...and the BIG LIZARD comes barging through the trees and is like 'BITCH, I'M HUUUNGRY'!!!

Though the tribe is primarily made up of THE HUNTERS it appears the only thing they could think of doing was standing there and screaming like little bitches. Except Drin--she's the Bitch in Charge and is like 'HEY BIG LIZARD! FOLLOW ME!!' and she runs off into the woods where this T-rex was like 'yeah, you know what...fuck these 20 or so people i got over here...i want that one skinny bitch...I like FAST FOOD!' (get it?) and Mr T-Rex runs after here through the trees and whatever the hell else is out there.

BUT WHOA! Joke's on the Big Lizard...because somehow (previously unmentioned in this tale) she had gone out to the woods to make booby traps--not to capture or kill the beast...but merely set to piss it off! She was so proud of herself! The first of her ingenious tricks was to hit him in the nose with sharp sticks;
Then (there was her pride and joy) this little hole she dug (somehow) that was big enough to make a Big Lizard TRIP.

In her stupid inner monologue she even says to herself "not to kill him...but to just aggravate him". HOW IS THAT HELPING ANYONE'S SITUATION.

At this point i'm 3/4 of the way through the book and there has been no sign of an delicious porn...until....

"... the big lizard used his two-fingered forearms to push itself up and out of the pit. Drin turned and ran for her next trap. Springing along the trail, suddenly as horny as hell, Drin had to fight the urge to touch herself between the legs as she ran and the big lizard gave chase."

Yes, because whenever I'm in a life or death situation all I can think of is getting off...that must be the part of psychology I slept through when we were discussed Fight or Flight or Fuck...

Anyway, this bitch never makes it to her next 'trap' because she is soooo turned on that she can't think straight and she gets herself cornered.

GASP!

The big lizard is coming..and he's pissed and bleeding and probably hungry as hell so...so he picks up this dirty, sweaty, stinky human and....sniffs her "sending an exquisite thrill throughout her body".  Then proceeds to tear her loincloth off where we are  met by a description of her 'dark curly pubic hair'...which is unfortunate...hairy bush is SO 1980's.

"Below her feet was an object which she was unable to identify, two feet in length at least, it was as thick as her arm at the elbow, except for the end which tapered down to a blunt point, dark red and solid....she began to struggle and writhe; there was no way that this creature would be able to shove that massive member inside her!" 

Now, maybe I'm just...worldly in my viewings of pornography and the mating habits of guys with rather grotesquely large 'members' but I know i have seen bigger shit than that shoved up some random chick's twat.  I get that this bitch had only been with Johnny Caveman and he sucked at life but, come on...Great American Dildo Challenge anybody? Clearly t-rex's are not 'hung' (at least not this one)...so now this bitch is all like "Oh my god, it's going to tear me apart!!' so she does the most natural thing ever: she spreads her legs as wide as they can go.

BITCH! don't even act like you didn't want that cock! If you DIDN'T you wouldn't be all like 'oh come up here in my hairy caveman vagina!' you'd be like 'these legs are locked and ain't no way big Jurassic ding dong is going in there'.

SO..here we are......now we get to see HOW A DINOSAUR HAS SEX WITH A HUMAN!! I mean, I had money that she wasn't going to be walking or sitting comfortably for a while but it was a risk that we all have to take in such a situation....

"The creature drove upwards, smashing the tip of its tapered cock into her sensitive pussy. It was way too big to actually fit and so the length of it slid along her dampness, spreading her pussy lips wide and stroking across the super sensitive tissues there..."

So clearly this T-Rex was about as interested in this bitch's vagina as I was in this book (hint, not at all) because he wasn't even TRYING to fit it in...instead this bitch is all like 'oh! let me hug your peepee!" So she wraps herself around his dick and he basically uses her as the world's first Fleshlight.  

She's busy rubbing herself up again gooey lizard dick and the t-rex is like 'i don't want to be the only dinosaur in the locker room who is still a virgin' so he continues to bang her in some strange tittiefucking dino way... Meanwhile Drin is like "oh, i'm not even going to pretend like i'm interested in this---this dinosaur gets no blow job loving from me' and instead peers down onto his prehistoric member to discover DINOSAURS HAVE PEE-HOLES TOO!!

"she stared at the tip, mesmerized, there was a hole in it from which a clear liquid was oozing, coating her torso and thighs with an odd smelling lubricant. Drin understood that this would be the hole from which the creature would come and looked away, suddenly worried that it would spray in fluid into her eyes."

WORST. MONEYSHOT. EVER.

I mean, I get it..whenever I"m caught in the clutches of a dino dong and I know that he could chew me to bits with his ferocious teeth the ONE THING that I'm scared of most of all...would be cockroaches...but after that would definitely be "gosh, i hope he doesn't get splooze in my eyes! That's the WORST that could happen..."

"As she came, she clutched tightly onto the big lizard's dick, her arms and legs tightening on the throbbing, red-hot member. The Tyrannosaurus Rex yelled loudly as pints of white fluid shot from the tip of its fat cock to splash onto the rocks below them....the big lizard rammed its shaft against her naked body, each time more of its semen ejaculated across the canyon, wetting the rocks below....
    Apparently finished, the T-Rex simply let Drin fall to the ground, her used and soaking body hitting the dirt..."

OH SHIT! Drin, you thought YOU were using the big lizard for your dirty inter-species love affair...well, he showed YOU who's boss! I guess you should just lay there in post-coital tears and roll around in the body-condom of splooge you were just blessed with BUT NO!! It's that damn old guy who talks like Hodor!! He was watching your kinky dino-action and now he's pissed--HE'S GOING TO KILL YOUR DINOLOVER!!'

Turns out Drin is a bit of a cunt and just lays down in her sploogy bed and watches as the T-rex proceeds to chomp this old guy as a post sex snack and stomps away.

And that's it. That's the story...Dinosaur eats village then makes the huntress into a cum coozie...

Said CumCoozie eventually walks back to the town (and i'm going to go ahead and assume she smelt worse than a week old gookie cookie) and tells everyone how the old guy died a valiant death and how she most definitely DID NOT have sex with the local wildlife....as a matter of fact....

"Drin had washed herself down and rejoined the small community around another large fire, scanning the young men for a suitable looking man to service her."

THE END. 

I don't want to be the one to have to tell her...but i'm going to go ahead and say that I sincerely doubt that any of those 'suitable looking' men are going to be half as hung as Mr Dinosaur...

My New Routine

HI EVERYONE!!
so it's been about a year since I have been on here bitching about crap...and I think it's about time that I started in again! Sadly (or happily...depending on how you look at it), I will no longer be doing the online dating thing seeings as how I now have myself a wonderful boyfriend. BUT DON'T PANIC! I have a great idea on how to keep you guys entertained.

I have taken it upon myself to snoop around online and find other blogs that are in dire need of my humble opinions--or just random things that i'm finding around Long Island and beyond that are in need of my two cents...but most importantly...I want to talk about shitty erotic books.

and PORN.

no, i will not go back and read 50 Shades of Grey from where I left off (not unless someone out there is willing to give me some mega bucks for the damages it will take on my psyche) but there are so many OTHER WONDERFUL BAD BOOKS OUT THERE that people need to know about! Like...Dinosaur erotica!! Would YOU ever read a book like that? probably not...but i'm curious and i want to know what the hell is in there. Maybe I could give advice on how to make their dino on lady action even more...wait for it....DYNOmite!!!  AHHHH YEAH!

And porn--who doesn't love to watch porn? well, I think I need to do a review of some of these beauties that i'm seeing online...i will exploit these ladies the way that women were meant to be exploited...  That's right--SHOW ME YOUR BOOBIES, BITCHES!!!!

50 Shades of Lame

Hello trusty readers!!!

I know I have been missing for a while, and i do apologize. Life has been crazy (and in the not-so-fun-to-write-about way) but now i'm back with a bunch of pent up aggression that I have to let loose. I'll get to the good old on-line dating horror stories eventually but right now we need to have a talk about a book that seems to be taking our country by storm: "50 Shades of Grey".

Now, before you get all judgy-face with me I would like to say that I have been against reading this book since day one.

Don't get me wrong, i love me some S&M erotica--I read the Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom when i was 17 (he is the grand-daddy of kink and the father of Sadism after all). I also work as a professional dominatrix and have seen things that would make you want to take a bleach soaked brillo pad to your eyeballs. Yes, dear reader, there isn't really very much that would shock me...however the idea that housewives across the country were suddenly reading about "S&M" thew me for a loop.

The breaking point for me was when i was talking to my stepmother the other day and she had mentioned that her good friend (probably in her early 60's) LOVED the book and was 'invested in the storyline'...but she needed someone to explain 'fisting' to her.

FISTING

Would you want to explain 'fisting' to grandma? No, I didn't think so...

Then there is the case of the 'story line'. My stepmother claimed that 'things happened and everyone was crying at the end'...da fuq?  Well, thanks to some piratical friends and my trusty Nook i was able to acquire said Book without having to pay a dime...thank god.


Alright, enough of my boring back story.....without further adieu I give you

50 SHADES OF GREY
(A critique of the first few chapters anyway)

So...when we begin this story we meet our heroine: Anastasia Steele. She's tall, thin, young, with long dark hair and 'blue eyes too big for her face'. *YAWN* OMG, did E L James even TRY to not make it sound like characters from a Fabio encrusted novel?
Anyway, so this bitch is living with her friend who is evidently really hot and has 'strawberry blond hair and green eyes'...oh, and she has lots of money...unlike our friend Anastasia...who is broke...but we'll get to that later.
So these two smoking babes are getting ready to graduate college and on THIS VERY DAY the hot roomie is sick and Anastasia has to go interview "Mr Grey" of Grey Enterprises or some shit.  After roomie waited like...6 months or something for this interview she decides that a stuffy nose is enough to keep her (the head writer of her school newspaper reporter and whatnot) from meeting the elusive Mr Grey so she sends her dumbass broke roomie instead.
So here we are--she has this BIG interview with this AMAZING guy and she sends her non-reporter introverted friend to go get a story for her to write.

So far i'm totally buying this story...*cough*

Anyway, Anastasia doesn't think she's attractive. Which is hard to believe considering how many times she oogles over herself in the mirror...or in her inner monologues (which are mind numbing). But it doesn't matter...she borrows her friend's Benz (because her old beetle wouldn't make it) and went to interview Mr Grey.

Ana (i'm going to call her that from now on) goes to this HUGE building that is evidently only run by busty hot supermodel blondes who exchange this weird master/servant relationship with each other. At least...that's what it seemed like to me...but to Ana it just seemed like another hit against her faltering ego...because...they were all so beautiful and she was so....BLECH

And now this bitch goes to meet Mr Grey....and she walks into the office and FALLS ON HER FACE! OMG, that silly goose! My God, I didn't see that coming at all...especially not after the seemingly endless paragraphs of her having low self esteem and being a clutz and all.

MR GREY: he's tall, with GREY eyes an he's handsome and rich and has curly hair...and has grey eyes...and has curly hair....get used to it...because that's all you're going to hear about Mr Grey.


blahblahblah i want to run my fingers through his unruly hair. blah blah
blah blah his grey eyes seemed to smolder...they turned a deeper grey blah blah
blah blah i'm not pretty blah blah

So just as we're getting bored reading her dull cliche descriptions Mr Grey seems to get bored with Ana's unrehearsed questions...because that's what I would do...I would go into an interview with a list of questions and not even look it over once and ask "Are you gay?" without thinking twice.

Meanwhile we get to start with Ana's repetitive inner monologue. Here, let me sum it up for you!


omg he's so hot! really, he's hot! i've never seen anyone like him...because he's hot. WHAT A CONTROL FREAK.pretty hair...CONTROL FREAK...grey eyes dancing wildly...CONTROL FREAK...is he looking at me? oh god, he's looking at me...CONTROL FREAK....i'm not pretty.


Eventually she leaves the interview and is on cloud 9 and in love with this guy she doesn't know who obviously has some sociopath tendencies that we can all see this early in the game.

For the next chapter you get to hear her talk to herself about how hot he was...and think about his 'grey eyes' and whatnot...and we find out she works IN A HARDWARE STORE!!!

A fucking hardware store...oh gee....I wonder if she is going to run into Mr Grey one day...buying supplies for his rape kit...maybe she will start getting ideas for the 'other' uses of tools and equipment...

I'll tell you, but first we have to meet her other male suitors--like Jose! A dark-skinned, buff guy who has always wanted her but she always saw as only a friend...and this other guy who's name i can't remember...but same thing, he shows up and is like 'hey, lets go out!" and she's all like "no! i'm ugly'

Meanwhile, Ana is having some torturous girl talk with her hot roomie over Mr Grey...kinda like this:
roomie: 'omg, he totally likes you'
Ana: 'omg, stop..no he doesn't'
roomie: 'omg, like, shuttup...he like...totally likes you'
Ana: 'well...he's a control freak and i'm ugly....but he's hot...what would he want with me' 


This nonsense goes on for many a chapter to the point that I was caught wondering if they were going to bust out the Magic 8 ball and ask it for some advice...and Ana goes to work...

BUT, OMG, GUESS WHO IS AT THE HARDWARE SHOP???
you're never going to guess!!!

MR GREY!!!!!

yes, this guy stalked this girl to the place where she works (about 2 hours away from where he lives)...and he does what most romantic guys do...he asks her for 'cable ties, thick masking tape and 5 yards of natural fiber rope'. AND SHE SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS! Nothing screams "RAPE KIT RAPE KIT'?! Instead he's like 'here's my card' and buys his crap and heads out.

Blah blah blah...more boring girl talk...blah blah blah...Mr Grey agrees to meet them for a photoshoot and he's like "hey Ana let's get coffee!"
So they get coffee but she doesn't drink coffee...i'm sure this is important to the plot somehow...i mean, if not why would she mention it another hundred times that she likes 'Twinings English breakfast' tea and...OMG HE HOLDS HER HAND.
Did you read that?! he holds her hand!!

Is this fucking high school?! I was told this is a book about sex and shit...where the hell is the sex??? WHERE??? So far I feel like i've been teleported back to high school and i'm forced to hear all my friends' awkward dating and crush stories.

Anyway, so these two are drinking coffee (AND TEA) and he's being all stalkerish and eventually he walks her to her car when DISASTER!!!  She was almost run over...by...A GUY ON A BICYCLE!

A FUCKING BICYCLE?!
'...heading the wrong way up this one-way street.


It all happens so fast-one minute i'm falling, the next i'm in his arms, and he's holding me tightly against his chest. I inhale his clean, vital scent. He smells of fresh laundered linen and some expensive body-wash. OH MY, it's intoxicating. I inhale deeply'


IT WAS A FUCKING BICYCLE, YOU STUPID BITCH!

"Are you okay?" he whispers...his thumb brushes my lower lip and i hear his breath hitch. He's staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious burning gaze for a moment or maybe it's forever...but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. OH MY."


If i had a dollar for every time this stupid bitch has said 'oh my' so far i could easily stroll down to the store and buy a fresh bottle of gin. and WHY, if this was such a traumatic ordeal, does he 'whisper' to her 'are you okay?'. If it was as life or death as it clearly was in her head he should have been like 'HOLY SHIT! THE FUCK, GUY?!' and then beat said directional-impaired bike guy into submission. 

WHERE'S THE SEX?!


Nope...no sex yet...no kiss...nothing...just a series of "OH MY"s  and her constant irritating consultations with her "inner goddess".

Her inner goddess: 
...does cartwheels
...frowns at me
...sits upon her lotus flower
...scolds me
...claps her hands
...reminds her that she just got FUCKED and not 'made love' to...we'll get to that later...

So...evidently the inner goddess is a boozehound...because she clearly told our friend Ana to get wasted at some random club...then told Ana it would be a good idea to drunk-dial Mr Grey.

Normally, when i get a drunk phone call at 3am I hang up on said person after hearing a few words of drunken garble...what does Mr Grey do?? HE USES HIS CELL PHONE TRACKER DEVICE TO STALK ANA AT THIS CLUB!! That's right...she steps outside and is like

omg, i'm so drunk...i need some fresh air so i can think about grey eyes and curly hair and describe these things in repeat and oh shit...it's my friend Jose...looks like he is trying to make drunk advances at me again. No way, Jose, I dont want your cliche taco flavored kisses!! NO QUIERO JOSE!


DUN DUN DUN!!! ENTERS MR GREY

"I think the lady said no"--mr grey


Thank you Mr Safe Word ...nothing like a guy who just appears out of the mist like fucking Brigadoon and is all up in your drunk grill. Ana, being quite the one with words, does the smartest thing she's done so far: she pukes all over the place and Mr Grey is her hair-holder...mmm....margarita vomit!!

What happens next???? Will there be an all our war between Edward and Jacob  Mr Grey and Jose?!  And what about the hot roomie?? will SHE get laid? Will Ana have more insecurity issues now that she puked in the strategically placed flower bed? Is Mr Grey Batman??

You'll just have to wait...

"Bee" mine

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!!

It's everywhere...its in the drug stores, in your dirty laundry, hell....it's even here IN THIS BLOG!

THE GUILTY: BeeFan005

THE OFFENSE: A seemingly innocent e-mail preceeded by a seeminly OFFENSEIVE picture.

The Subject: Hi

The Body: You look stunning.

Who is this guy?! I'm pretty sure this is the SAME guy who's picture was sent to me a few weeks ago...except that time he was wearing a g-string and was on a bet surrounded by guns.

Either way...I would like to take your attention away from his Cro Magnon sloping brow and look at his topiary chest/stomach hair. That's right ladies...that would be a set of hearts....and with that dear 'come hither' stare HOW COULD I SAY NO?!

Well, i couldn't say no...which is why i took a look at his profile...this guy might be the future love of my life....

Let's see...it says he's from "New Hyde Park"
he prefers not to say what his body type is
He's 27...damn, he didn't age well....
Occupation: GRAVE ROBBER/BEE KEEPER

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!

If this isn't love, dear reader, than i dont know what is!

about me: I'm big in to digging holes in the middle of the woods. I like going to the beach and rolling around in the sand right after I have gone swimming. I'm not big on brushing my teeth, I think it's been at least 5 weeks since i've done that. I love puppet shows. My friends call me meat tooth for short, or the dood. My favorite animal is a polar bear. I go for long drives at a last minutes notice all the time. I have an acute memory from names and addresses.

First Date: I would probably pick you up and we could split a birthday cake from a nearby supermarket.

Alright alright...so I had been had by Mr Beefan005...that's cool...but the guy who made this site must be lurking online somewhere, right?

VICTORY!

**posted at the bottom of the page**
Well I hope this made you laugh, this is my kinda sense of humor look me up if you want, this is the real me "agnaralation"

OOOOOOOOO

A hunt!! how exciting...time to go snooping for this 'agnaralation'

First of all I would like to say that plentyoffish.com doesn't have the best search engine known to man. Well, at least my dumb ass found it a little hard to navigate...
OH! i have to hit the 'search USERNAME" button...silly me...okay...where is this guy....

My knight in shining armor is....A GINGER?!

...

I dont know how i feel about this...i m ean, i am not going to lie. I do enjoy the 'devil-may-care' grin but...the red hair...I dont know if i can deal with some fire crotch action...Let's see what he's about.

Hes in Glen Head...I have no idea where the hell that is...

he does tech work in a hospital...alright alright...this could be promising...

About Me: Hey there, if you don't like loud music, skating, and getting gnar with things then just stop here. I'm originally from NY and moved to Mass for a few years, more like 7. I work at some area hospitals on Long Island and i'm still continuing my education. I'm a big outdoors kinda dude. I like fishing, hiking and of course skating, it's a huge part of my life. I travel a lot, especially in the warmer weather. I've never been to europe or cali, but that's def in the works. I like pizza with a passion as well as sushi. I have a ton of tattoos and def working on more. I'm a gentelman I suppose, open your car door kinda guy, but I def have a sailor mouth haha.

....
Well, what do you mean by "if you dont like loud music"? does that mean that you are going to be playing your crappy music at top volume all the time? I mean, because i like music of all kinds...but i LOVE silence.

Skating?

Like...in-line skating?
No kid, i grew out of that phase years ago. I know you are only 27 but...even when i was 27 I was totally over that shit.
Translation: You're an asshole and you dont quite understand taht doing stupid things will mean that you will have stupid injuries...which will end with your stupid ass in a sling and no money coming in. ANd then what?? You're going to be like 'oh, well, if you could have seen it, man...i got som AIR!!'
That's the kinda shit i used to do in highschool....and i realized that getting hurt...HURTS...and the other you get the slower you are to bounce back. Ugh, I am NOT going to date an overgrown teenager.

GETTING GNAR

WTF IS 'GETTING GNAR'
Is that like...GWAR?!  because, that's pretty awesome...sadly i dont think that is the case. Methinks it's time to resort the the ONLY source of online lingo: URBAN DICTIONARY!!!

GNAR:

A shortened version of the word gnarly, meaning high on the scale of dangerousness and coolness. Often used among the skateboard crowd

 

We got us a real mature one here!!!

 

maybe his actual 'working' in hospitals is in reference to how often he is seen being rolled into said hospitals. Ugh, AND he has tattoos (sorry, i know its a total pot calling the kettle black but) i don't like guys with tattoos. That's right. I said it.

 

Let's see....what could this kid's first date ideas be...

 

First Date: Go somewhere where we could talk, maybe get some coffee or pizza!!!

 

MY RESPONSE:

oH WOWWWWWW!!!! That sounds reallllyyyy chill, man. Maybe like...when your mom drops you off at the mall we can go into Hot Topic or Pac Sun and get some totally stellar hoodies and stickers for our boards. THEN we can eat pizza and french fries and like...see who else we know in the food court and talk about our latest GNAR adventures.

 

LOSER!!!

 

Ugh, grow up kid....(did *I* really just say that?!)

 

I'm not going to lie but...if i had to choose a Valentine I think i would go with contestant A--the Bee keeper/grave robber....at least then i could have all the honey and corpses a girl could ever wish for.

 

mmm.....necrophelia...beuse dead boys (and girls) don't say no ;)

Manson Boy in 3D!!

Just  when you thought it couldn't get any more humiliating...he writes back

(re)RETURN OF THE MANSON BOY!!!

How could this be?? Had just sent me a message about how he wants to give me another 'chance'...and then went on some strange psychokiller rant before posting a youtube video of himself which WAS GROUNDS FOR DEATH in many walks of life...

I didn't respond..as a matter of fact i did what i always do: I posted it to this website and then showed all my friends said video, surely he saw the hits and realized that i was making fun of him, right?

right?

RETURNING OFFENDER: icefreak3

OFFENSE:
Aside from existing in the same planet as i currently reside? He sent me ANOTHER E-MAIL!!

Subject: What the new pics? :O

Body: well, I just got my heart STOMPED tonight by another gold digger. Its so pathetic, what about you? do you "LOVE" a guy for WHO he is? Or just whats in his wallet? and here's a video of me if I didnt send it to you the last time.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sAOo_tbL0w
 
MY RESPONSE:
YOU LIVE IN YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE, DRESS LIKE A HIGH SCHOOLER, SLEEP IN A BUNKBED, DONT HAVE A JOB, DONT HAVE A CAR AND MAKE STUPID VIDEOS LIKE THE ONE YOU SENT HERE THAT YOU ALREADY SENT TO ME LAST TIME.
 
ARGHHHH!!! of COURSE i care about what is in your fucking wallet! do yout hink i want to take care of your whiney psychopathic mortal kombat wearing christmas light wielding self? NO! And "LOVE" there is no 'LOVE' here...if there was remotely a chance i would have at least given you the time of day...you're writing to my fucking inbox...as if i'm going to write back and be like 'Gee, that's terrible....I love a guy for who he is...i like my guy to be real...and honest....and to be 30 and sleeping in a bunkbed laden with pictures of Marilyn Manson in his mother's house. I always hoped that my man would be an independant filmmaker too..and star in his own films...of him...wearing stilly Hot Topic/Party City/Comicon outfits and trying to be cool...while filming himself with his crew of 1...Mr Tripod.
 
To be honest I just got my soul STOMPED on when i read this. SOMEONE ACTUALLY WENT ON A DATE WITH THIS ASSHOLE?!?! I want to find this person and see what she looked like...then i'll be like 'really, what was it that turned you on? was it the (lack of) hair? or maybe the poorly executed eyeliner....OHHH MYYYY GGOOODDDDDDDDDDD...
 
And the fact that he is like 'roar roar roar my date tonight sucked roar roar...watch my video' leads me to believe that he has no friends. Why bitch to me? i wrote you a cold letter saying you are not what i'm looking for and signing it with 'regards' and you STILL think that i'm going to give you the time of day? go tell your mommy!! or maybe you're a Norman Bates type fellow and mommy just doesn't respond too often.
 
Final thought: if you haven't seen the youtube video i suggest you watch it....copy and paste that link and check that shit out. OR ELSE YOU WILL MISS THIS:
 

"I do not fuck up"

Sub Zero taking a tumble

fighting a snow stubby penis with a light sabre

his ship came in...aground

see Spot in rehab

...and much MUCH MORE!!!!

mirror mirror on the wall...

I know I know...

It's been about a week since i last wrote in my blog...sadly i have this horrible thing called "work" that eats away at my soul and absorbs my every waking moment.

But, thankfully the creepers on the internet don't have frivilous things such as 'jobs' to keep them at occupied...

The Guilty: Allnighter013

(above caption courtesy of him)
If pictures could talk: "don't mind me, i'm just chillin in my wife beater and overly straight yet crooked hat. And that arm...its not just flexed baby that's the way it is GANGSTA"

The Offense:
alright, first let's take a look at his name "allnighter013" for some reason my brain goes to two places. First: I'm reminded of that night in undergrad where i realized there was a paper due on "The Communist Manifesto" at 8am the following morning and i didn't even read the book.
That was an all nighter.
And i would assume the number '13' would go with it very well because goddamn that paper sucked...and that book sucked too. Who would have thought for a little pamphlet that was like...40 pages it would take damn near all night and two packs of cigarettes to get through it (granted..i didn't know a damn thing i was reading but hey...'understanding' it was optional)

THE SECOND translation would be that he can partake in sexual intercourse for the duration of the night.

wow....i hope that's not true...and it's followed by the number '13'...so maybe that would mean that all night long we are trying to 'get it up' and it just ain't workin. Why the hell would i want that shit?

oh well, let's see what he wrote:

Subject: hi

Body:  Hey how are you doing? btw I'm J___
P.S.

your a cutie
 
MY RESPONSE:
P.P.S. can't you form a complete thought? btw i dont like you.
and you used the wrong 'your'...jackass
and i dont like being called stupid ass names like 'cutie'.
 
UGHHHH...is it soooo hard to write a goddamn sentence? obviously for him it was pretty difficult to think of anything more complex than 'the cat in the hat'.
 
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HIS PROFILE
...shall we?
 
 

Nope...nope don't 'luv' it....and your shirt it stuck in your belt...oh, and you collar is kinda doing its own thing...and, in the immortal words of Chris Rock "TAKE OFF THAT SILLY ASS HAT"  
let's see...it says he lives in Brooklyn, Hamptons, and NYC...impressive...he's omnipresent
he's 27 years old and a Catholic...and he's 'ACTIVELY SEEKING" a relationship. I guess writing women lame ass messages is pretty 'active'...i'll let him have that.
 
About me: I'm P.R. and have some Ital in me as well, damn proud of it too. I live & have a house out in the Hamptons but I'm a Queens Boy at heart, being that I was raised there and all. I also have a APT in Brooklyn near Williamsburg where I stay at from time to time. I'm more or less a down to Earth type of person. I guess you can call me a "Hopeless Romantic" just out to Enjoy Life and have Fun. Oh remember that Im Latin and Italian so I can get pretty Wild when the time is right ; ) You can almost always find me salsa dancing NAKED!! . . after a shower.. checking out da goods in my mirror.. Hey thats how I do..lol.. My friends tell me I'm funny as Hell at times but I don't see it, I'm just me. On my free time I like to chill with good friends, go to the movies, Eat tons of Ice Cream lol.,. its ok tho I do workout at least 3 times a week, eat pretty healthy and I even started drinking Protein shakes with 0grams of Fat and 50grams of protein "Thats right ****es".lol.. When the weather is nice you can find me Riding my baby A.K.A. motorcycle, kawasaki 1100. Love to going to the beach, playing sports like: baseball, handball and whatever...... If I have the time I do like to hit up a Lounge or club, once in a blue either in the Hamptons &/or NYC. I dislike when people are starting to tell me something and they say never mind, dont worry, or its not important.. Damn I hate that lol.,.
One more thing, for all you Wonderful Sweet ladies who say there are no good men left or out there... Please Listen to this: "GOOD Men are like apples on trees" The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most women don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren..t as good, but easy...... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they..re amazing. They just have to wait for the right woman to come along - the one who..s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.....

In my case, I'm type of man who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on me, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat or will stay awake just to watch you sleep, looking all cute. Waits for kisses but is happy enough just to be able to kiss you on your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you, thats just simply me. In the end Im just hope someone see me for me on the inside instend of the out. Xox ;)
 
MY RESPONSE:
..o! WHERE DO I BEGIN?!
Let's see...he  keeps talking about this "hamptons' house...clearly he has money...that in itself is a HUGE turnon to golddiggers like me and most other women...but then...we see the tradeoff...
 
He a house in the hamptons and an apt in williamsburg and he tells me that he is a 'down to earth' person. I'll bet he has a Deadhead sticker on his Cadallac as well...  He's a 'hopeless romantic' and in the same paragraph he writes that you can " almost always find me salsa dancing NAKED!! . . after a shower.. checking out da goods in my mirror..."
I think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit with that image.
Clearly he is a hopeless romantic when it comes to looking at floppy dicks (at least his own floppy dick) dance around in front of him. In which case I dont think i have the correct 'plumbing' suitable to ignite his true passion.
 
He rides a crotchrocket...blech...'moving roadkill'-that's what i call those assholes.
 
And WTF is up with this 'i'm latin' crap. Yeah, okay, first people get allll upset because people use 'stereotypes' to describe different ethnicities...and then we have jackasses like this douche going 'well, i'm latin so OBVIOUSLY that means ...but...what about the stabbing and gangs and like...Thunderdome and all other things that 'you people' do? 
 
WOOWWWW he drinks protein shakes-and LOOK! HE'S EVEN READING ME THE NUTRITION FACTS OFF THE LABEL! Golly! i can't wait to go on a date with him!
 
Then he puts shit that he got in some e-mail chain letter in the middle of his profile. SO the piece of shit spam that was sent to your inbox 8 years ago that you didn't want to read then has become the piece of shit spam on a dating site that you don't want to read now.  
'
Then we have his closing paragraph '...blah blah blah call you beautiful instead of hot'.
No you didn't asshole, you called  me 'cutie'...and there are many words i would use to describe me but none of them are in the 'cute' family. 
type of guy who 'calls you back when you hang up on me'. FUCKER! I HUNG UP ON YOU FOR A REASON!! I dont want your stupid ass calling and calling back and leaving messages like '...but i want to talk to you...but...i love you...and i understand and i want to TALK TO YOU'
I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU...CREEP!!!
 
I once had a creepy sociopath that i was seeing do that to me. If he wanted to talk to me and i hung up on him he would call...and call...and call...and his voicemails would get progressively meaner..and meaner...and the next thing you know i was scared to leave the house without full armor. *shudder* thanks for the warning wackadoodle...
 
"waits for kisses....kiss you on the forehead"
"show you off to the world...you are in sweats"
"holds your hand in front of his friends"
blah blah blah blah BLAHBLHABLHJDFJKLHNDSAFOIHSFD
 
YUK!!! this whole page offends me!!
I read this guy to be some douchebag who is like 'i'm awesome and i'm great and you belong to me...and i'm needy and clingy and needy and please like me...please...i'm lonely...and...i wish i had a friend...but i'm awesome...and i'm fat free...Patrick Bateman is my homeboy...wait here while i get my rain poncho..."
 
His Idea of a FIRST DATE:
Whatever we would like to do thats fun,... maybe have dinner afterwards go for a nice walk and talk. Get to know each other better and give me a chance to tell you silly jokes =)
 
OOHOOOHOOOHHHH
I have a silly joke for you: I think you're attractive and the 'one' for me!! <3 <3
NOOOTTTTTTTT
 
 
 
 
 
Now take your hair gel and your static cling and please...forget i existed